Wrapping Gifts

The clock on my wall is telling me that it is now 11:45p.m. That means that I only have 15 minutes left until it is not Christmas Eve. My first Christmas Eve with out Shawn, which will in turn quickly lead to Christmas Day without Shawn. My heart hurts bad today thinking about this. I haven't actually cried yet today, I have been close several times. I bet when I close my eyes tonight and curl up with Shawn's T-shirts to go to sleep the tears will begin to fall down my face. Nope, I'm wrong the tears are starting right now as I type this.

I took a break from wrapping the pile of Christmas gifts that I have yet to wrap to write this post. I got two wrapped and needed to take a break. I don't know if I've mentioned this before but I HATE wrapping the gifts. I can't stand it! The only gifts that I ever wrapped were the gifts for him. I don't have the spatial relation skills to wrap. I always cut the darn paper to short and have to end up adding to it, or cutting the paper to long and needing to trim it up. I'm also a bit of a perfectionist and the pattern of the paper must match up or it will drive me wild. Wrapping has always been Shawn's thing. He is, I mean was really good at wrapping the gifts, even the ones that are in odd shapes. The two of us would sit down on the floor together, I would hand him the gifts and give him pieces of tape as he needed them. During this time the two of us would just talk and enjoy the time with each other. Every year we would wrap the gifts the night before Christmas Eve because we knew we would be too busy the next day.

This year there is no talking going on as the gifts are being wrapped. It is just me sitting on the floor in my bedroom in silence with tears rolling down my face as I remember Shawn with every gift that I'm wrapping. There is nobody to hand me the tape or to help with the oddly shaped boxes, there is just me this year to wrap the gifts for Shawn's family and for mine. Even worse there are no gifts this year to wrap for Shawn. Saying that makes me sick to my stomach. After I wrapped the first gift I put the tag on it and when I went to write who it was from I actually wrote "Jenny and Shawn". I thought about keeping the tag that way, but I didn't want to upset the person getting the gift, so I put another tag on it. Both my mom and sister offered to help me wrap this year because they know I hate doing it, but I didn't want them to. I appreciate them offering to help I really do. However, even though I hate doing it I feel like it is something I need to do on my own this year. I think it is because I know it is just another thing that I know I now need to do on my own.

Sounds stupid to be crying over something as simple as wrapping gifts, but it was Shawn's thing and that is why I'm crying. I'm not crying because I'm not capable of wrapping, I'm crying because this is what Shawn did and now he isn't here to do it and that hurts, it hurts my heart really really bad. I'm crying because it is almost Christmas Eve and I won't be waking up next to Shawn in the morning. I'm crying because tomorrow I will be going to Shawn's Grandma's house for Christmas dinner without him, going to sleep tomorrow night without him and waking up on Christmas morning alone yet again. This is the worst feeling I have ever felt in my entire life. The feeling of emptiness and being alone. I hate it, I'm doing 'ok', but I hate feeling this way! I'm trying to be happy and look at the 'positives' of the situation if there is any and to be strong, but I really can't stand this. I just want to try and get through the next two days in the best way that I know how, with the strength that Shawn gave me.

Sarah told me today that another widow once told her that the anticipation of the holiday or the anticipation of a special day was actually worse than the holiday or the special day itself was. For me this was true for Thanksgiving, the day before was much worse than the actual holiday. Hopefully the same will be true of tomorrow and for Christmas day.

Well I need to blow my stuffy nose and wipe the tears from my face and get back to wrapping the remaining 15 gifts. I want to get them finished before I go to bed tonight so I don't have to worry about them in the morning. With any luck hopefully Shawn is watching me now and he will help me out by making the pattern of the paper match up for me.


Shawn,
I hope you have an AWESOME Christmas in Heaven!
I love you and I always will.
Love,
Jen