Well...I Did It

It is now officially the day after Christmas, my first Christmas without Shawn. Now that the day Christmas day is over I can say that I made it through another first, actually two different firsts if you count Christmas Eve. All things considered I think I did pretty well, I had many moments with tear filled eyes, but I handled them and made it through the last two days. The day before Christmas Eve when I was wrapping gifts was actually harder than the last two days were. Again, I think it was the anticipation of the two big days.

Christmas Eve day my family and I just kind of hung around the house, we really didn't do much of anything. I needed and wanted this to be a very low key Christmas this year, I didn't want a big deal made about Christmas this year. If this would have been a "typical" Christmas Shawn and I would have gone over to his Grandma's house for dinner around 4:00 and stayed till around 8:00, then we would have drove home to my house, watched some of the Christmas Story with my brother and sister and then went back to his parents house to stay for Christmas Eve night.

I knew that this year I didn't think I would be able to stay the night at Shawn's parents house without him. At first I didn't really know if I even wanted to go to Christmas Eve dinner with Shawn's family. After thinking about it I knew Shawn would have wanted me to go, so I went for him. Most of the family and friends were to arrive around 5:00 for dinner and then open gifts up after. I knew I wanted and needed to go to the Christmas Eve service with Sarah at 6:00 (she was singing Christmas in Heaven once again) so I went to Grandma's house around 3:00 and left around 5:15 before there were too many people there. On the way to Grandma's house my heart started to race. I was nervous to go to the first big family gathering without Shawn. (I didn't go to Thanksgiving this year) I wasn't sure how they were going to be with me and I wasn't sure how I was going to handle being there with all of Shawn's family. This was the first time I had been with everybody since his funeral. For the most part everything went well. There were a few awkward moments, but I guess that is to be expected. There was one point when we were all in the kitchen I looked around at everyone and then looked behind me, the place where Shawn usually stood. He wasn't there and that felt really weird to me, then I got the lump in my throat and the tears in my eyes. I quickly walked out of the kitchen, remember I don't like people seeing me cry. Shawn's aunt and uncle must have saw me because they met me in the living room and they were both their to give me a hug. It was good knowing that they were there for me. Around 5:20 I had to leave to make sure I made it to church on time. I went around and gave all of Shawn's family a hug. This was another point in the night where I got tears in my eyes, it just felt so different saying good-bye to Shawn's family without him there with me, and knowing that I wouldn't be seeing them on Christmas morning. I cried for a few minutes in the car on my way to church. Poor Jennie...she got a teary phone call from me once again. As usual she let me talk, talked to me, made me laugh and made me feel better.

The Christmas Eve service was beautiful. They sang the traditional Christmas songs, the choir there is just amazing. Then the Pastor re-told the Christmas story. I haven't been to a Christmas Eve service in years. It was really nice and felt good being there with Sarah and her family. Sarah sang Christmas in Heaven near the end of the service. I've listened to this song a million times the last month and haven't cried in a while while listening to it, but Christmas Eve night was entirely different. Sarah didn't even have the first note all the way out and my tears were rolling down my face. Her voice is so powerful and the words to the song is so true and meaningful. While Sarah was singing I kept imagining Shawn and his very first Christmas in Heaven. I wondered what he was doing, who he talking too, did he meet any new friends like Chad (Sarah's husband), was it snowing there and I selfishly wondered if he was thinking about me. I also wondered how much better Christmas was in Heaven compared to here on Earth...I can only imagine. Even though this song made me cry on Christmas Eve night Sarah brought me so much comfort while she was singing. The service was truly amazing and one that I don't think I will soon forget.

Once I got home from church my family and I just sat around and talked for a while. My brother's girlfriend had made it into town and we just talked and played some of their Wii games. It was actually kind of fun and a nice distraction. A short while later everyone went to sleep. I had forgotten to put my gifts for the family under the tree so I went up to my room to get them. As I was putting the gifts under the tree I looked up at the mantle where our stockings hang. Everyones' stocking was laying on the floor stuffed with goodies. Everyones' stocking except for Shawn's which was still hanging on the mantle empty. Talk about a knife in the gutt. I wanted Shawn's stockign up this year, I wanted Shawn to still be a part of our Christmas, but it hurt like hell seeing his stocking still hanging on the mantle all alone. I went up to his stocking and touched it, the same time I touched it I got goose bumps, I think it was Shawn telling me that it was going to be ok and that he was still there with us.

Christmas morning we all woke up and talked for a while before opening our gifts. Shawn and I usually pass out the gifts to the family, but this year my brother helped me. I sat in the chair where Shawn usually sat. It felt good to sit there. During one point of the morning I looked outside and it was so sunny...finally the sun in Michigan! In my head I told Shawn thank you for the sunshine, I needed to see it after days of it missing in action. I'm not even joking right at that moment I got a warm rush all through my body. I know that this was Shawn, it was Shawn sharing his part of Christmas morning with me. I didn't cry, instead it brought a smile to my face and made my heart stop hurting for a few minutes. The family breakfast was hard, it was really hard all sitting around the table for the traditional Christmas morning picture. It hurt looking around the table and not seeing Shawn there, but somehow we all got through it. I'm not sure how all my family did it, but I know I got through the day with the strength that Shawn gave me once again.

In the afternoon before eating our Christmas dinner I decided to go out to the cemetery to visit with Shawn. I knew that there was going to be a lot of snow, but I didn't expect there to be so much snow that I couldn't find his grave. Thank goodness for the big block M sticking out of the snow. That big M made me laugh. I made my way to his grave to find his grave blanket all covered up in snow. So I decided to get the snow scrapper out of my car and 'shovel' off Shawn's grave. There was so much snow that I couldn't find his headstone, but I did dig out his grave blanket. While I was there I told Shawn as I always do how much I miss him, I told him that I love him, and that I always will. Once again I thanked him for making me who I am today. I told him that I think about him every minute of every day and that I can still feel him with me. I also told him that I hoped and prayed that he was having his best Christmas ever, his first Christmas in Heaven. I only stayed for a short time because it was so cold, but at least I had a few moments with him.

The rest of my Christmas was pretty low key. We ate dinner as a family at the table, again it felt weird without Shawn being there. After dinner we all played some more Wii games and just hung out. Bo was really tired from playing with his cousin Porter(another Boston) so he and I decided to go to bed early. After talking to a majority of my friends and 4 of the coaches Bo and I went to bed. Bo fell right asleep, I on the other hand ended up laying in my bed thinking about Shawn for a while before falling asleep. I thought about how much I miss him, how much I still feel like I need him and depend on him. I thought about the touch of his skin, the look of his eyes, and about the way he smelled. I thought and wondered how his day went. I hope his Christmas was the best one ever. I also thought about the dream that I had about him a few weeks ago and how he told me that I was going to be ok. I fell asleep thinking about many different thoughts of Shawn, feeling sorry for myself that he is no longer here on Earth with me, feeling sorry for myself that I can no longer hug or kiss him when I need or want to. At the same time I fell asleep thanking Shawn for everything that he did for me while he was alive, thankful for how he loved me, thankful for the life that he provided for me, thankful for who he helped me to become. My last thought I had of Shawn last night was of him sitting in Heaven looking down at me and smiling his silly little smile he would give only me. I know that Shawn will always be with me no matter what day of the year it is. That feeling my friends, the feeling of Shawn still with me, still helping me and still giving me the strength to get through this is the best gift that anyone could get me this Christmas.

Once again sorry this got so long. I figured I've shared so much of my journey with you I wanted to share my first Christmas without Shawn with you as well, I hope you don't mind.