Strength I Didn't Know I Had and not Sure I Wanted

Many of you have written to me and have asked me what I mean when I say that in some way I feel Shawn prepared me for his death. Weird thought I know. You have also asked what I mean when I say Shawn's strength is what is getting me through this difficult time. This post is going to try and answer both of these questions. I only hope the words come out how I need them to so you all get the full picture of what I mean when I say those two statements. (this may be long as well)************************************************************************************

August 18, 2008 was the worst day of my entire life. For those that don't know that is the day that Shawn died. I knew it was bad when we were put in our own little room, however I was still hoping and praying for the best. Somewhere deep down I knew that Shawn was already gone, it was just a feeling I had in the pit of my stomach. I saw Shawn being wheeled into the ER and he didn't look good. While in the room I prayed and prayed that Shawn would be 'ok'. When the Dr came in and started talking I could tell that the news wasn't good. After what seemed like hours of the Dr talking, he told us that there wasn't anything else that they could do for Shawn and that he had passed away.

I remember everything about that day and the moment that my entire world changed, everything except what I as Jenny Coin, Shawn's wife did right there in that instant. I don't remember if I cried or not I know I had a tissue in my hand, but I don't really remember crying. I remember screaming, but I don't know how loud or what I really said. For all I know I screamed in my head and not out loud. I remember wanting to throw my purse, but I can't remember if I did or not. I wanted to tell the Dr to do more to save Shawn's life, but I don't remember if I actually said that out loud to him or was just thinking that in my head. I do remember thinking that I was going to throw up and asking somebody to get me a garbage can and some mints, for some stupid reason I remember that but don't remember what else I did. I'm pretty sure I screamed, hell I may have even made a huge scene. I really don't remember my reaction until one thing happened and I remember this clear as day. All of a sudden I had this feeling wash over me. It felt like warm water had just been pushed through my veins. It was a weird calming sensation. I don't really know any other way to explain it. All of a sudden I pulled myself together and did what I needed to do. I truly think this feeling I had was the last 'gift' that Shawn was able to give to me at that moment and for the days, weeks, months, and years that are to follow and that is the gift of his strength. The strength of Shawn and the strength of me. I know people say that God never gives you more than you can handle, but I never thought I had strength like this, nor did I ever want to be this strong.

Shawn always used to tell me that I was a stronger woman than I gave myself credit for. He would get mad at me when I told him I wasn't a strong person. Shawn would get really mad if I told him I didn't think I could do something. I never really believed him when he told me that, I never really believed him when he told me I was a strong person. How could I believe that I was strong when I depended on him for so many things?Don't get me wrong. I did things on my own, but I always asked Shawn his advise on things. I always ran something past Shawn to make sure it was ok. In a way I liked depending on Shawn. I was never the type of person girl who wanted "it all." I never wanted the perfect job, with the perfect family. All I ever wanted was to be the perfect wife, to the perfect man and a mother to our perfect children. I guess you could say I'm kind of "old fashion" I liked knowing my husband was taking care of me. I liked the feeling of needing him. I liked being there for Shawn when he needed something. I loved cheering him on in the stands on Saturday afternoons during the season. I always told myself that I wasn't a strong person because I "needed" Shawn so much. You can't be strong and "needy" at the same time.

Don't get me wrong being married to a college football coach is a tough gig. You spend lots of time alone and have to figure out real quick how to do things on your own. The first year was hard on me, I wasn't used to having Shawn gone so much. I will never forget the first time I had a flat tire(different post for a different time) Thinking about it now I think there may have been a 'bigger reason' why I was a Coach's wife. It sounds odd to say, but I actually think the life style of being a coach's wife prepared me a bit for his death. During the time Shawn was coaching I learned how to become more independent, I grew as a person during this time, I learned a lot about my self and I guess you could say I gained strength by being married to a college football coach. This is what I mean when I say I think that Shawn prepared me for being "alone" I know I can take care of myself. Please don't think that I'm saying that Shawn knew or thought he was going to die. I just think our life style prepared me for my future.

Now to the 'meat' of the post. I have had people tell me that they are amazed at my ‘strength’ the last almost 4 months. My closest friends and family have told me that they were afraid that I would just live in my bed and that they would have to take turns watching me. To be honest I'm very surprised at my self with how "well" I have been doing. I'm telling you I use the word well very loosely. Trust me when I say there have been many days when I have not wanted to get out of bed, and many days when I have just cried, I know there will be many more of those days as well. However, I can honestly tell you that the reason I think I'm doing so well is because of Shawn. Shawn and the person he helped me to become with the strength that he instilled in me. Shawn ‘coached’ me to be the person that I am today. The strength that he instilled in me is the strength that is getting me through this time.

When Shawn and I started dating in January of 1997 we both used to say that I was like a little flower blowing in the wind. I would make everyone else happy without worrying about what I needed or wanted. I had NO backbone and would just let people walk all over me. I was having problems in college and didn't want to finish and I NEVER wanted to move away from my home and from my parents and family. As our relationship grew and progressed Shawn helped me to see that there was more "out there" for me. He helped me in my classes and with his help I got the best grades I ever had. Shawn began to talk about moving away to finish up school. I was scared out of my mind. I didn't want to move far away from my parents, but I also didn't want have a long distance relationship either. Again, with the help of Shawn I at 22 years old packed up my stuff and went to college 7 hours away from my parents. Shawn was awesome and helped me to not be so homesick. Three years later we both graduated from college on the same day. I owe my college degree to Shawn, without him and his encouragement I would have never finished.

After we graduated we moved farther away from home yet, when Shawn got another coaching job, this time outside of Pittsburgh, Pa. Again I owe this to Shawn. I learned so much about my self by moving away from home. I saw that there was more out there in the world other than where I was born and raised. Shawn instilled the strength in me to spread my wings and fly...to see what else the world has. Just three days before Shawn died we had talked about where we wanted to move next. He asked me where I wanted to go and I looked him in the face and said, "Bub, I will move to the end of the earth if it means you get the dream job you have always wanted." I would have never said that 12 years ago. I was willing to move because I was no longer scared. I knew we would be ok where ever we went. Again, Shawn was sharing his strength with me, making me stronger. Little did I know that three days later my entire world would change and I would need our strength more than ever.

Over the course of our relationship and marriage Shawn taught me so many different things. He taught me how to look at things in different ways. We grew up together, we changed as people together. I helped him and he helped me. Now that he is gone I realize exactly how much he really did teach me about life. He was my teacher, he was my coach. Shawn will always be those things to me. Shawn was always such a strong person in every aspect of the word. He is the person who helped me to become the woman I am today. I wouldn't be 'me' without him. Shawn allowed me to see that I wasn't weak, he helped me to be strong, he taught me to be strong. The strength that Shawn instilled in me and helped me to see is what helps me to get out of bed every day.

I don't know what my future holds. What I will do, where I will go, or who I will meet. I do know one thing and that is this. I am who I am today because of the greatest husband in the entire world. I owe so much to Shawn. And yes, now at this moment I know I'm a strong person, but I owe my strength to Shawn. Although I never ever wanted to be this strong. Shawn may not actually be here with me but he helps me every single day. He is with me every second of the day, helping me in every aspect of the grief that I face. I want to make Shawn happy, I always have. I want Shawn to know that I'm ok, I want Shawn to be proud of me. Like I said I don't know yet what my future holds, but I do know that Shawn and the strength that he gave me will always be a part of my future. I will be ok because I know Shawn will always be with me.

As I'm typing this I'm thinking of one line in the Daughtry song "What About Now" that is on my playlist. The line I'm thinking about is...What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?These words make me wonder a very powerful thought and that is this. What if Shawn's "job" on this earth was to make me Jenny Coin, all I was meant to be. Was it Shawn's job to help me to grow into who I am today? I'm so grateful for what he did for me and for who he helped me to become. I'm grateful for what Shawn is still doing for me. I only wish that Shawn and I could have lived into old age together so Shawn could see the person that he helped me to become.

I miss Shawn so much right now, I need him really bad. I need to feel Shawn's arms around me. I need and want Shawn to tell me that I will be ok.

(I know this got to be a really long post. I'm sorry for that. I also hope I didn't ramble too much and this all made some sort of sense to all of you.)