I'm Back

Here is a picture of Bo helping me blog. He likes to type on the computer and loves to blog too.

Last night Bo and I arrived back home from Youngstown. Sadly we had to come home a day early because of the crazy winter weather. So instead of coming home today Bo and I got back into town early last night. We left Ohio with 35 degree weather and no snow and arrived in Michigan with about a foot of snow and freezing temperatures. My new moto for this winter is "stupid snow" Today is only the first day of winter and I'm already SICK of it! It feels like it has been cold and snowy here forever. I hate the cold and and I hate the snow even more. I really need to find someplace warm to move.

Anyways enough complaining about the crummy winter weather here in Michigan. Onto my trip to Youngstown.

I had a wonderful time while in Ohio. My friend Jennie and her fiancee Chris picked me up at the halfway point. I laughed so hard on the 2 hours car ride back to Youngstown I had tears running down my face. Jennie is one of the funniest people that I know. If you want or need a good laugh I would suggest going to her blog http://happymayhem.blogspot.com/ She has always been a great friend to me, but has been especially awesome during the last four months. (It was four months on Thursday since Shawn has been gone) Whenever I'm having a hard day Jennie is always one of the first people that I call. She always seems to know what to say, and when she doesn't know what to say, she says something to make me laugh. So the car ride was great and the three of us had many laughs. I stayed at their house on Sunday night. Their 3 little boys were so excited to see Bo and I. We spent Sunday night just talking, hanging out and playing with Bo. Monday morning I got up and went to work with Jennie for a while until it was time to visit with another friend.

From Monday afternoon till Thursday morning I spent time with my other great friend in Ohio Lora, her husband Chris and their 2 1/2 year old little boy Luca. Luca and I have a great relationship and we love hanging out together. Like Jennie, Lora and I have been friends for a while, but have gotten closer within the last few months as well. I actually think that the three of us have gotten much closer as friends with everything that has happened with Shawn and the baby. I had a great time at Lora's house. On Tuesday night her husband Chris took a half day off of work. He got home around 7:00 and the four of us just hung out. We listened to Christmas music on TV and danced around in the living room, we also watched Bo and Luca run around the living room. It was really great and I enjoyed myself a great deal. It was awesome seeing Chris, Lora and Luca enjoying each other as a family. At one point during that night I got a big lump in my throat because I was so happy for their family and for the love that the three of them share. I was so happy for them, but at that exact same moment I felt a twinge of sadness for myself. Sitting there in their warm cozy house watching how happy they were as a family made me realize how far away I am from having my dream of a happy family now. I couldn't help but think about Shawn, myself and our baby and what we would look like as a family at this same time next year. Only to realize that I won't get to have that dream. Later that night after Luca went to bed Chris, Lora and myself had a great time. Chris got all kinds of snack type foods for the three of us to eat. All 3 of us snuggled in on the couch and watched game shows on TV. It was so much fun sitting there just hanging out and spending time with my friend and her husband. Lora and Chris if you are reading this, thank you so much for that night. It was great and I can't wait till we get to do that again. I also got to enjoy some wonderful one and one time with Luca. We played in his play room and had lots of fun. I also got to watch him play on the computer. It is amazing to me how good he is with the computer, he works the mouse like a pro. He played a puzzle game and put all the pieces together. Watching Luca do all those 'big boy' things brought tears to my eyes. Lora joked with me that I was probably going to cry more at his wedding than she will. Well, she is probably right! Also while at Lora's house I was able to spend a little time with my former boss Teresa who has been great to me as well. We only saw each other for a little while, but it was nice to see Teresa once again. Teresa has been another person who is helping me to understand the 'whys' to what has happened.

Thursday was a hard day for me for some reason. I just had one of those days where I woke up wanting to cry. One of those days where I felt like I could just cry all day long. I left Lora's house and drove the 20 minutes back to Youngstown. While I was driving I had about a thousand different memories of Shawn and our life that we had in Youngstown, memories of my old life filled back into my mind. As soon as I got into town I had to stop and get gas. I stopped at the gas station that was only about 2 blocks from where Shawn and I lived. As I was standing outside pumping gas the tears just started streaming down my face. It was all just coming back to me so fast. This was the gas station where Shawn pumped the gas for my car, the gas station that was right down the road from where we used to live, the gas station where Shawn filled up my car for the last time just 12 hours before he died. I was standing there getting gas just crying all alone. It was really a horrible feeling. Since it was Thursday it was Jennie and Chris's turn to have me back at their house. So after getting gas and crying like a fool I drove to their house. Everyone was at work so it was just Bo and I. I got on the computer and started reading and commenting on the blogs that I read daily. For some reason I decided to go back and re-read my post about 'strength' from the day before. Again, I just started to cry. I cried because I realized I am stronger than I thought, and I cried because I missed Shawn and felt like I really needed him to hold me tight at that moment and tell me that everything was going to be ok, that I was going to be ok. I thought for my own sanity I should probably go and take a nap.

After I woke up I felt a little better. I was having a late lunch with the football wives. We ate a fancy little place and had a good time. We ate our food and just sat around the table talking. We talked about Shawn and what had happened, we talked about the football season and the adversity that the YSU team faced during this season. I told them about my new friends back at home, Sarah, Marni and Collette and we talked about Sarah's song Christmas in Heaven. We had a good time and it was nice to catch up with all of them.

After lunch it was back to Jennie's house. As usual fun was to be had there. After the three kids and Bo went to bed we just sat in the living room and talked. Oh and we watched Lost. Jennie and Chris are addicted to that show. They watched it and tried to fill me in as we went. It was nice to be back with my friends and their families. Both Jennie and Lora have been so great to me, it was just nice being able to hang out with them.

Friday was a good day. I went to where I used to work and watched the Christmas program at the childcare center. This also gave me some more time to hang out with Jennie, since we only really got to spend time with each other at night. The kids did a great job singing Christmas songs. It was also nice to be able to see some of the people that I used to work with. After the Christmas program at the center it was time to go back to Jennie's house and have our own Christmas party with Jennie, Lora, myself and the four boys. We had a great time. This was the first year that the three of us actually got together at a house and had our own little party. It was really nice to be able to have our own little party just the three of us. I hope this is a new tradition that the three of us started. This was also the time I was finally able to give them the gifts that I had been making for them. With everything that has happened to me this year I really wanted to give my friends something really special this year. I decided to paint them each a jewelry box and then make them a beaded friendship bracelet. Each bracelet is the same design with the same beads, but each has two different heart charms on it. One of the charms has the saying 'made with love'. I figured each Jennie and Lora would like the bracelet but I was very surprised with their reactions. Once they both opened the jewelry box and saw the bracelet they both got tears in their eyes and told me that it was the best gift that they had ever gotten. I told them that I wanted their gifts this year to be extra special because they had done so much to help me, and that I couldn't have gotten through the last 4 months without them. Then the three of us just kind of looked at each other and all got teary eyed. We are probably the only people to cry at a Christmas party, but that is ok, it was another special moment that the three of us got to share. I love you Jennie and Lora!!! I think I have mentioned this in other posts but Jennie, Lora and Teresa were all there with me in the ER the day Shawn died. The three of them stayed with me at our house until late that night when my parents got to Ohio. So for obvious reasons I gave each of them Sarah's "Christmas in Heaven" CD as part of their Christmas gift.

After our Christmas party I met three of the coach's that worked with Shawn at our favorite Mexican restaurant for dinner. Two of them were Pall Bearer's at Shawn's funeral. During dinner we talked football, talked about the season and talked about Shawn each sharing different memories of him. It was really nice to be able to hang out with the guys again. Being married to a football coach, I've always seemed to have more guy friends then girl friends. It was nice to see them each again and to have a part of my 'old life' back if even for a little while. After Shawn died my relationship with the guys changed, in many ways we have became closer. I talk to two of the coach's several times a week, and two of the other's I talk to several times a month. They check up on me and take care of me from 5 hours away. There are 4 special coach's on that staff that will always have a special place in my heart and I love each of them.

Once I left the guys it was back to Jennie's house for one last night of fun before leaving for Michigan. Before I met with the guys we had decided that we were going to play board games. I don't think I've had so much fun playing board games as I did that night. At first it was just Jennie, myself and Jennie's cousin Tommy playing. We played the game Blurt and all got a little crazy acting, but it was so much fun. After a while Jennie's other friend Amanda came over and played for a while as well. We had a great time. It was so nice to be able to laugh again and just silly little things that were going on. Finally around 2:00a.m, we decided to call it a night and all went to bed all very tired.

Saturday morning I got packed up and ready to head back to Michigan. Jennie and I dropped two of her boys off at her Aunt's house and then went back down to the stadium so I could say my good by's again to the coaching staff. Then we went back to her house got Chris, and loaded up my stuff and left Ohio. The three of us had another great car ride with lots and lots of laughs and good conversation. (Jennie and Chris if you're reading this I can't wait til June....) You guys are the best and I love ya!

As usual this got long, maybe I should have posted more during the week. O-well.

Anyways I had a great time in Youngstown visiting my awesome friends and football family. I haven't laughed so much in a long time. Even though I had tons of fun while in Youngstown it was a little bit harder than I thought it was going to be being there for a week, a week without Shawn. Everywhere I went there reminders of Shawn, reminders of us and the life that we shared. Some of the memories made me smile, others made me sad and I cried. I had a GREAT time with my friends and laughed a TON, more than I have laughed in a long time. Even after all the laughs I was still left with the constant empty ache in my heart. I had a wonderful time and I really can't wait to go back and visit but nobody or nothing can take away that constant empty ache that is always in my heart and stomach. The ache and pain that comes from missing my Shawn.

(Jennie and Lora when you read this don't you dare think that I didn't have fun...because I did. Don't think that I'm not coming back...because I am. I love you guys and I will see you very soon!!!)