Recently I was having a conversation with someone, I honestly don't even remember who it was with now. Really that is not all that important. Anyways we were talking about life and why things happen in life, whether they are good things or bad. We were starting to question the "why's" in our lives. Something that I'm learning you probably shouldn't do. There are nor real answers for many of the why questions people ask. Anyways as our conversation continued it made me think of a question for myself to ask and then answer. Yes, i was basically talking to myself at this point. In a very short time span I had two different answers for the question that I was asking of myself. What is the question I asked myself you maybe asking...
Question: If on that February day in 1997 when Shawn and I started dating would I have continued to date him, fall in love and marry him 4 years later and spend my life with him if I knew that our life together was going to end as quickly as it did? Hard question right?? Easy answer however!
Answer Number one: My first response was a very quick reaction and not well thought out. I answered in my own head with a "Hell no" Why in the world would I want to fall in love and live a life with that person if I knew that they were going to die? Why would I want to be hurt like that? For one second and one second only I thought it would be easier not to love somebody, then love them and have them die and be left alone to continue living. Then I started thinking in a more rational manner.
Answer number two: Yes! If when we started dating way back when and somebody would have told me that Shawn was going to die in 2008 I would indeed still date, fall in love and marry him. No questions asked. If someone would have told me he would have died one year after we got married, I would still have married him. Here is why I now can have that answer....
Since Shawn has died I have quickly come to realize that life is extremely short, way shorter than I think people really understand or care to understand for that matter. However, what I have also learned is that your life should be happy. Really happy! I'm also not saying that your life is going to be hunky dory all the time, because there will be hard times, but for the most part I honestly feel that every person truly deserves to be happy in their life. With that being said I can say that if I would have known Shawn was going to die I would still want to be with him and I would have still married him as well. Why? Because, we were happy, we loved each other and we had a great life for the 11 years that we were "us" I wouldn't trade one bit of that happiness for the hell I've lived for the last 5 1/2 months since Shawn has been gone. I have gone over the good times time and time again in my mind. Remembering those good times, my family and friends has gotten me to where I am today. I can honestly tell all of you that I'm doing "well" I do still have 'bad' days, but they are less than what they were and I deal with them as they come.
In the last 5 1/2 months I have changed in many ways. The way I think about things has changed, how I react to things have changed and the new person I want to be is still changing and growing. The bottom line I guess is that I will always, always love Shawn, he will always be a part of me, Shawn helped to make me, me. I am who I am because of him. I wish like I have never wished for anything before that he was still here and this would have never of happened to me...but it did and I have accepted it in the best way that I know how. I know Shawn is never coming back and like I said, I have accepted that even though it still hurts to say it.
In the last month or so I'd say that I have realized that I do want to be happy. I do want to love a man again, and I want to be loved back. I have made a choice that I don't want to live my "new" life in fear, I don't want to be a miserable person because what has happened to me in my life so far. I'm just not that type of person I don't think. I'm not not going to fall in love again worrying that something may happen to them. If something is going to happen, it is going to happen, and well there maybe little I can do to control that. However, I want to be happy and I want to love that person every minute of everyday and live life in a good way. I don't want to be scared, I want to live.
I also think what has helped me get to this point is that I know Shawn would NOT want me to be sad and unhappy the rest of my life. He always wanted the best for me. I truly believe and feel that Shawn wants me to fall in love again, he wants me to feel love again. Shawn always wanted me to be happy. I know one day I will be happy again.
Well there is my really long drawn out answer to a kind of deep question. I hope you can all understand my answer as I'm not sure it all came out in words how I wanted it to.
17 comments:
I think everything came out just right. I think that all of us have that what "what if". For me what if I did not move back home when things went crazy for me. Would I have met my husband. Would I have taken another path. I think some times things go wrong for different reasons. At the time it happens we do not know why. But in the end it makes us a stronger person. I know I have become a stronger person because of some of the things I have gone through. Great words you had. I am happy to hear you want to fall in love again. That is a big step and you will find it again.
Hi Jen- I found your blog not too long after you started wtiting. I am almost ashamed to say I have just been lurking. After todays post I want to tell you how proud of you I am, I know I am a stranger and it may not mean much but, I know it takes lots of courage to recognize life goes on. I have never been in your situation (came close) I cannot begin to tell you what would be right or wrong. I just want you to know that I admire you. Keep looking toward the future.
I work in the retirement business so I get to know a lot of widows and of course they are a lot older then you, but the ones that I see go on with life and really live in spite of their broken hearts are the ones that do it because their husbands strived to make them happy. I remember one widow in particular telling me that she wanted to love again because she thought it would be a testimony to her late husband and their relationship, it would say to the world I had a good husband and a good marriage and I want that again. She remarried at 85. You have a great heart and I know God will bless you with a good man when you are ready.
What a wonderful post! You continually amaze me with your strength - I know Shawn has to be just glowing with pride as he watches you now.
You're one tough cookie Jen! We all want to see you happy!
Wow!! What a great post! Just started reading your blog but you seem to have become a very strong woman. I can't imagine what you have been through in the past months but I can say that you have emerged from it a very wise person. Keep it up!!
Oh and I have a Boston too... aren't the great?? Although mine is HUGE, 45 lbs-he is really tall (and a little fat).
Hugs to you and Bo
Completely understandable, and I agree. I think it came out right.
I have to say, you have mentioned it before, you started your blog for fun and it started out "boring." My blog was once boring and I would get excited if I had 3-5 comments. Like you life circumstances have turned my blog into a boring blog few cared to read, to a more interesting blog that quite a few are reading. It's amazing the support we can get on blogging. FYI, we just found out that our baby has cystic fibrosis. It's going to be a journey indeed. I do feel like the support available through blogging will be priceless. I can completely understand the way you feel about the blogging.
Good Answer Jen! You are so right, we have to learn to be happy in the "now".... Keep smiling :)
Jen
I love your positive attitude! I've admired that about you since I first started reading your blog. I think your answer was perfect and everything came out great! You deserve to be happy and to love again! Someone told me once that the fact that my father remarried (dated for that matter) so quickly was a tribute to my mother and their marriage! The fact that he would want to get remarried or be in a relationship shows what a great relationship they had by wanting to get in another. I had never seen it from that perspective before and it was really comforting to think of it in that way!
I am not sure if any of that made sense but know I think you deserve to love again and believe the Lord will reward you with a life full of happiness!
One of my favorite quotes of all time, "Tis better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all" ~Tennyson
Hey Jen,
Wow, you just amaze me, you really do.
I try not to look at the 'what ifs', because I truly believe that HE has a plan for us, one we might not always understand, but I believe the is a reason for everything.
It seems to me with every blog post you write, you are getting stronger and more hopeful for your future.
Your insight into whether you'd want to "do it all again" if you knew how it ended is good.
Another way to think of life is that everyone we know and love right now will be out of our lives at some point, through any number of circumstances, including death. If we let fear of that loss, be it temporary or permanent, keep us from living and loving, imagine what we'd miss out on.
There are so many things that can go wrong - but there are so many that can go RIGHT, too!
I'm truly happy to know that you are looking towards the future and that you feel at peace with the idea of someday finding love again. You've already come such a long way since I started reading a few months ago.
Still praying for you!
Wow, the power of your emotion in this post really touched me. You really know how to explain things. Much of your growth the past 5.5 months takes other people YEARS to accomplish. I continue to think of you, and continue to be amazed by your positive, glowing spirit.
I'm happy that you see your life in this way Jen! You are a blessing.
It came out perfect Jen, you said everything just right- and it was a beautiful post.
It came out perfectly and beautiful... Shawn wants you to be happy---no doubt about it---you have such incredible courage..you always amaze me.
Liz
I feel the same way. Seeing all you have gone through, if my husband were to die, I'd still have married him. That's real love. (((HUG)))
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