5 months

Today is January 18, 2008.(it might be a little passed when this gets posted :-) This morning at 11:37 marked 5 months since Shawn has been in Heaven. Five months since I have been a widow (no matter how many times I say it I still HATE that word), 5 months since I have lost the love of my life and my best friend, 5 months that I have been 'alone', and 5 months since my life has changed in such a drastic fashion.

When I think about my life 5 months ago it brings a smile to my face. It makes me happy. After struggling for so long things were really starting to fall into place for Shawn and I. We were paying off bills, we were living in a nice town house, after 13 months of trying we were finally pregnant, we loved each other more than anything and we were happy, we were really happy! I remember so much about the day Shawn died. I remember that it was a beautiful sunny day. When Shawn left for work at 6:45 it was already hot out. I remember the exact clothes that both Shawn and I were wearing. I was already starting to have morning sickness and Shawn stood in the bathroom with me that morning while I was getting sick. I remember walking Shawn to the door in my tank top and shorts. I remember Shawn leaning down and giving me a kiss...my last kiss. Shawn had not been feeling good for a while, he had been to the Dr's but they found nothing really wrong. I remember he didn't feel good at all that morning and I was worried about him. After he kissed me he looked at me with this sweet/caring look in his eyes. I asked him "what?" The next thing he said to me was the last words of his I heard and he said, "Angel, I need to get better so I can take care of you and our baby. Don't worry about me, we will go to the Dr today, get referred to another Dr. and I will be ok...I promise." With that he leaned over gave me another kiss, whispered he loved me in my ear and pulled out of the driveway. That is what I remember about the morning of August 18th before 11:37 a.m...the last time I was really happy.

I don't want you all to think that I haven't had any good times since losing Shawn because I have. I have had times the last 5 months where I have been happy, but it is a different kind of happy. It's like I can be happy for a few minutes or for a little while, but then it all comes flooding back to me. I guess the best way to describe it is like empty happiness. Happiness with a big empty void. I've laughed with my family, I've laughed with my friends Jennie, Lora and Megan, and I've laughed with my new friends here at home Sarah, Marni and Collette. I've had the type of laughter where you think you are going to pee your pants! It's great! The laughter and the good times does feel really good and I think the laughing and the good times are great for me. However, most times the second the laughing stops I feel it...the big empty spot in my heart...the heart ache. The big empty space in my heart where Shawn is supposed to make me laugh, make me happy and make me feel good. The spot that has been empty for 5 months. There have been so many times in the last 5 months where I have wanted to tell Shawn what I've been laughing about. That's what hurts the most. Not being able to tell him things, not being able to see the smile on his face when I tell him something that made me happy. Shawn always told me that when I was happy...he was happy. I don't know when I will be really happy again.

I could totally be fooling myself, but I think the last 5 months I've been doing 'ok'. I won't say good and I won't say bad but I will say 'ok'. I have the good moments and then I have bad moments as well. I think I'm just trying to adapt to everything that is so new and different to me in my life right now. There are times when I don't even know what to think or how to think. Today I was in church and I was looking around at people. There was this cute couple sitting in the pew a crossed from me. They were probably around my age and had a baby that looked to be around 4 months old. I found myself just staring at them for a while. They were so damn happy looking. The mom was holding the baby, the dad's arm was around his wife and his hand was on the baby's leg. At one point the baby dropped it's pacifier and the dad reached down and picked it up, mom said thank you and the dad kissed his wife on the forehead. As I was looking at them I realized I had tears in my eyes. I was so happy for them, happy that they were happy. At the exact same time I was happy for them I was also jealous. I was jealous because they have what I wanted and now what I'm so very far away from. I really was happy for the couple in church today but sometimes seeing those happy families takes my breath away and rips at my heart. That is something I will never ever get to have with Shawn. That my friends is what breaks my heart, that and missing Shawn is what I cry about at night when I fall asleep.

The last 5 months I do think I have become more independent. I've done things that I have never had to do before. Many of them are simple things, but still things that Shawn used to do for me, that I now do on my own. Like scrapping the snow off my car. Shawn always did that for me because he knew how much I hated doing that. The first time I had to scrape my car off this winter I did it with tears in my eyes, but I did it and I've done it with every stupid snow storm since. I think the biggest and the best thing I've done for my self since Shawn has been gone was the trip I took to see my friend. That was such a great experience for me and now I know I can go places on my own without being so nervous about it.

I'm still a long, long, long ways off from finding "New Jenny" but I think I've made some progress and I think I might be on my way. I still don't know who I want to be or what I want to be, but I do have some ideas and I guess that is a start. I need to find 'me', I need to find 'Jenny'. I really believe that Shawn is going to help and guide me to what I need to be doing in my new life. With the strength of Shawn I will find my new normal, I will figure out who 'Jenny' is, and hopefully again with the help of Shawn I will be happy again one day. I want and need to be happy again one day.

Five months...in one aspect it feels like so so long ago, in another it seems like just a second ago. I never would have thought on the morning of August 18 my life would change in such a drastic way. Like I said I remember everything about that day and probably always will. I still remember the way Shawn smelled, the feel of his soft skin against mine and the way he made me laugh. I hope as time goes on I will always remember those things. I never want to forget his smell or the touch of his hand.

I know Shawn is in Heaven and that is a much better place than were we are all at. I know I should be somewhat grateful for that and in one way I am. I'm glad he isn't sick anymore and I'm glad he isn't hurting anymore. I am glad that things are finally peaceful for Shawn. Then there is the other part of me...the selfish part who doesn't yet understand why it had to be his time to die and why he had to leave me. This is the part of me who misses Shawn more than I ever thought possible, this is the wife who needs her husband, the part that wants to snuggle up to him at night in bed. The part of me who wanted to have children and grow old with the first man I fell in love with. This is the part of me who is trying to figure out who I now need to be when all I ever wanted to be was Shawn's wife.