Good-bye 2008

Well it is 1:42 a.m on January 1, 2009. The year 2008 is now a memory. Wow that is really hard to believe! As always it is going to take about a month to get used to writing 2009 on things. I wasn't going to write a New Years post but after reading my last post I felt like I should elaborate a little on why I didn't really want to see 2008 end. (I will post later today about what I did yesterday)

In my last post I briefly tried to explain why I didn't want to see the year end. I just couldn't seem to get the words typed how I wanted them. After talking with my friends Sarah http://sarahschieber.blogspot.com and Jennie http://happymayhem.blogspot.com/ I think I got the right words figured out now.

As I said before Shawn and I never really did anything special on New Years Eve. We never went to any parties and we never went out. We usually just stayed at my parents house and watched movies until 11:50, then we would watch the ball drop and go to sleep. We were never the type to go out and party. Once we would get to our room we would always tell each other "This is going to be our year" Every year we would say this. One year ago tonight as we were talking in bed before falling asleep we set out two goals for us. Goal number one was to hopefully allow Shawn to either get promoted or to find a 'better' coaching job. Goal number two was to get pregnant. Two 'simple' things is all we wanted to happen for us and our family in 2008/early 2009. 2009 was supposed to be our year. At that time one year ago tonight little did we, or little did I know that things were going to be so dramatically different from our goals that the two of us set. 2008 was going to end in such horrible way and 2009 was going to begin for me and not us in such a different way that I would have ever dreamt.

That is what started to really get to me late this afternoon. Simply dealing with the fact that 2008 was ending. It sounds silly to say, but even though 2008 was so bad to me I felt like holding onto the year 2008 and not wanting to let it go because that was the last little bit I had left of us, it was the last little thing I had left of "ShawnandJenny" Instead of going to bed tonight saying that "This is going to be our year" I now have to go to sleep tonight alone saying/thinking "How am I going to make 2009 my year?" The day Shawn died I knew it was no longer "Shawnandjenny" it was going to be just Jenny. It really kills me to say that, it hurts to say that. I never wanted to be just Jenny. I loved being the two of us, that is what I wanted my life to be. Shawnandjenny and then one day I wanted it to be the three of us Shawnjennyandbaby. Again, now it is just Jenny. No Shawn, no baby, no the three of us, just Jenny.

Every year I usually make a list of New Years Resolutions some years they are kept and others well not so much. This year I'm not making the traditional list. Why you ask?...Well I think the things I need to do for myself in 2009 are going to be hard/too huge to check off. In 2009 I need to take the time to find ME and find out who I want to be and what I want to do. For the last 12 years I've been Shawnandjenny. It has always been and us thing, now it's an I thing. I need to find Jenny and I'm imagining it is going to be a big job. It's hard to find a new you and a new normal, especially when you weren't expecting to have to find another way to live. I think as the this new year passes I will figure out who I am and what I want to do and where I want to go. I know it is going to take time. I think in many ways I have already changed in the last 4 months. I think there are many parts of me that are still the same, but at the same time I know there are other parts of me that have already changed in the last 4 months.

So as I sadly say good-bye to 2008 and the last real moments of Shawnandjenny, I'm also going to try to embrace with strength what 2009 will have in store for Jenny, and the new life I'm going to try and find. Hopefully with any luck in one year I will have myself and my new life figured out or at least on the right path. It would be a great feeling to post one year from tonight the new direction my life is leading me and what I will be doing. I guess time will only tell what 2009 will bring for me, I suppose the opportunities for me are endless. I shall see.

HAPPY NEW YEARS to each and every one of you and thank you once again for following what is going on with my life. You all have been awesome!!