Knife in the Gut

For the last 5 months I knew this day was going to come. Since the week before Christmas I knew that this day was going to be here sooner than latter. Last Friday I mailed out the yellow manila envelope with my name and address on it...at that point I knew it was going to get here any day. Even though I have been dreading this day I needed it to get here so I could finish what I needed to finish. I knew this day was going to be hard, but like all the other days the last 5 months I knew I would get through it. What day is this I am talking about you maybe asking?...

I returned home today from a rather good day I might add, went to the mail box and instantly saw the yellow envelope staring me in the face. At that moment I knew what it was. The day had arrived. The results of Shawn's autopsy had been mailed to me.

Like I said I had been preparing myself for this, I knew it was coming and I knew it was going to suck reading all of the results. However, I knew it was something that I needed to do. For a few moments I just sat in my warm car and looked at the envelope. Thinking that if I maybe looked at it long enough I would just wake up from a really long, really really bad dream. Nope...still not a dream...my 31 year old husband is still dead...and I'm still a 31 year old widow still living without my husband. I sat in my car thinking that this really sucks and sucks bad! For a few minutes I even sat in my car contemplating how and why I was put in this horrible situation.

As I was sitting in my car I looked at the clock and realized that it was 2:45 pm. I wanted to read the results but didn't think I wanted to read them while I was alone and my family wouldn't be home for another few hours. I didn't want to wait that long. So I slowly started to open the envelope. I took the long folded up document out of the envelope unfolded it and right away saw the words Autopsy Report-Patient Name: Shawn R. Coin

I knew that was what I was going to see at first, but I guess nothing can prepare you for seeing your husband's name in print next to the word 'autopsy'. Instantly tears came to my eyes, I started to quickly glance over the results as the tears fell from my eyes onto the paper. I flipped through a few more pages and realized that I couldn't read this alone.

So I called one of my best friends Jennie (http://happymayhem.blogspot.com/2009/01/welling-up.html) who was with me in the ER the day Shawn died. Jennie has been huge for me during this entire last 5 months. Our friendship has changed so much but it has defiantly changed for the better. She is there for me when I need to cry and she is there for me when I need to laugh. Basically since the second Shawn died she has been there when ever, where ever I have needed her. I love her so much!

Jennie answered the phone in her usual up beat/perky/happy voice. She asked me what I was doing and I told her that I had just gotten the autopsy results. Jennie replied with a somber "Oh" She asked me what it had said and I told her. For the next several minutes while crying I read the results to Jennie while she sat listening and crying on the other end of the phone 5 hours away.

I knew the day after Shawn died when they did the autopsy that he had more than likely died from a massive heart attack. I was prepared to see that on the report. They were right, the results showed that the immediate cause of death was an Acute Myocardial Infarction. (massive heart attack) Shawn also had 5 other contributing heart related conditions as well that are listed as secondary cause of death. Again, I was prepared to read that. Those were the things that the medical examiner told me about the day after he had died.

What I was not prepared to read were words like...terminal, rigor mortis, pulseless, and pronounced dead. Reading those words stung. I knew they all happened but I guess it was different reading them on paper. I also wasn't at all prepared to read the account of what had happened during that morning. Again, I have heard from the coach's what they saw and what they did but reading it was so awful. Reading how the coaches/trainers tried to save Shawn by giving him CPR about tore my own heart apart. They all tried so hard to save him and worked on him for several minutes before EMS arrived. I will NEVER forget what they all did for Shawn. It was also kind of hard reading my 'interview' of what had happened in the days prior to Shawn dying. I won't go on and on with what else the autopsy said, nobody wants to read that, nobody should ever have to read that. I will tell you though, and only because I've already shared so much of this with you all the worst part of the entire report and that was the following words..."despite efforts from emergency personnel the decedent passed away." Once again, I know it isn't a dream and I know it's real, it just feel so awful to have to read those words about your husband.

After reading all the results with Jennie, we sat and talked for a while longer. We tried to talk about other things, but I don't really think either of us were to that point yet. So we said good-bye and told each other we would talk later, and we did. We talked later several hours later. We talked about Shawn and we talked and laughed about other things as well.

After I got off the phone with Jennie I decided to look through the other mail I had gotten for the day thinking it really couldn't get much worse than what I had just read. Other mail was, a bill for me, the last hospital bill for Shawn, a coupon book for Babies R Us and an informational packet addressed to "Mr. and Mrs. Shawn Coin" on how and why we should consider saving our babies cord blood for their future.

Talk about a knife in the gut.