It was Bound to Happen

I woke up this morning to the sun shining and thought to myself that this was going to be a good day. Guess what...I thought wrong!! Boy was I wrong. I woke up at 9:30 and by lunch time I was in tears, and it lasted all afternoon.

I guess it was bound to happen. I haven't had a day like this in a long time, probably three or four weeks. The last few weeks even with the Holidays haven't been to bad. Don't get me wrong I've had many moments, but I haven't had a day where all I do is cry. That is until today...and it all started with me making two pumpkin rolls.

My sister is having a jewelry party at our house tomorrow night and I was asked if I would make two of my "famous" pumpkin rolls. I didn't have a problem with that and told her that I would bake them for her. I've made tons of pumpkin rolls in the past and never had a problem until today. I'm a bit of a perfectionist when I bake...all must be perfect, especially when serving to other people. Anyways as I was peeling the wax paper off of the first cake, it started to tear leaving huge hole in the center of the cake. I was so mad, there was no fixing it so I just ripped the rest of the paper off and started to eat the cake. The same thing happened as I was peeling the paper off of the second cake. I was so mad and didn't understand why this was going on. This never happened to me in the past. Why now? Then I remembered...this was the first pumpkin rolls I had made since Shawn died and he always helped me. It was always his job to peel off the wax paper. That thought pretty much put me into a tailspin and I spent the next several hours just crying.

I was crying as I finished pulling the wax paper off of the fixable roll. After I was done I just sat down on the kitchen floor and just cried my eyes out. I mean cried like I haven't cried in a long time. I probably haven't cried like that since I found out about our baby. I propped myself up against the dishwasher and wept and wept. I screamed out loud and everything. I asked God why he did this to me. I asked God why he needed Shawn when I needed him so much as well. I told God that I don't understand why my life needed to change, I was happy with my old life, I loved the direction my life was going. I even told God that I was mad at him for taking Shawn and our baby from me. I told God that I don't understand why he chose a different path for me, but that on most days I'm really trying to see the "good" in the horrible situation that I have been placed in. Then I talked to Shawn and told him that I miss him more and more every day. As I always do I told him that I will always love him no mater what happens in my future. I told Shawn that I would love for him to touch me just one more time. I told him that I needed his touch and his words. Oh...what I would do to feel Shawn's arms around me one more time and to whisper in my ear like he always did that things will work out and that I will be ok. I would give anything in the entire world to have his arms around me just one more time, even if it was only for a minute.

During this whole time poor Bo just stood by my feet looking at me like I had totally lost it. At one point I was crying so hard that he turned away from me, I think I scared my poor sweet puppy with my tears. I went down and sat on the floor next to him. After I sat there for a few seconds he crawled up in my lap, look up at me with his cute little face and then licked the tears off of both sides of my face, he even licked the tears off of my neck. Needless to say that just made me cry more. After about 5 minutes of Bo taking care of me I decided it would be good for both of us to go take a nap. So we curled up in our bed and took a little nap. I woke up sad but feeling a little better...at least the tears had stopped.

I really hate days like this. I know they are normal and I know they are bound to happen and that days like today are supposed to happen, but I hate when they do. I especially hate when they sneak up on me like it did today. I was fine and then BAM out of no where, tears in the cake batter. I really am trying to look at my new life and my new path in life in a positive way. I don't know why Shawn had to die and why I had to lose our baby. I don't think I will or can ever understand why this had to happen or why my life is so different now. What I'm trying to do now is make the best out of the worst situation I have ever faced. I know that with my new relationship with God and my growing faith and the strength from Shawn I will be able to look forward and begin to feel positive about the new path I will be walking, it's just going to take time.

However, this doesn't mean that I miss Shawn any less, because I don't. I miss him more and more every day. It's hard to think of my future without him, it's hard to plan my future without him. I don't know what my future holds for me...will I be alone, will I meet a new man, will I have a totally different job, will I ever be a Mom? As of now I don't know any of this, time will tell. The only thing that I know for sure is that Shawn will always be apart of my life, he will always be with me and that I will always love him!

Just think today's tears all started over a silly pumpkin roll. No baking for me tomorrow. :)