My "Big Deal"

Well this is it, the post where I'm going to tell you about the big thing that I did on Tuesday and Wednesday. Are you ready?....... Can you stand the suspense?...

To many of you this won't really be a big deal at all, but to me it was and is HUGE! Other than actually waking up and getting through each and every day during the last 4 1/2 months of my life what I did was probably the biggest accomplishment that I have done for myself since Shawn has died. It may even have been one of the best things I have done for myself EVER. (Well of course other than marrying Shawn, but nothing can compare to that!)

Just a little background for you. After I graduated high school I went to a four year college literally 30 minutes away from my house. The college is seriously the next town over from mine. One wouldn't think that this would be a big deal but come the first day of class as I was throwing up with nerves it was. I wasn't nervous to attend my first day of college, what I was nervous to do was to drive the 30 minutes alone in the car to the university. Who the heck gets nervous to drive to the next town over? ME!! Problem was I'm scared to death to get lost! I mean out of my freakin' mind terrified! I don't really know why I am that way I just am. I guess it is the whole anxiety thing. Alrighty, many of you are going to get a good laugh here. To help with my nerves my Dad actually took me to school the first day. Yes, I got dropped off and picked up by my parents my first day of college. Go a head and laugh if you haven't yet...it's ok really. Next day, same thing happened I was throwing up because I was so nervous to drive by myself. This time I followed my dad to the university. I could get home fine, but for some reason I was scared driving there. For the first week and half of college I would follow either my Mom or Dad to the university. After that I was fine, but God help me if there was an accident or there was a problem on the road and I would have to go a different way. I would just sit in my car and cry. After about 1 month I finally mastered the different ways to get to the school and then I was fine.

When Shawn and I moved to Pittsburgh (ugh!!) I had the same problem but about 100 times worse. We lived 25 miles from where I worked. If you have never been to Pittsburgh, don't go it's horrible!! There are tons of bridges, tons of one way streets and tons of traffic. For a person who is terrified to get lost it is their worst nightmare. (sorry anybody who lives there, but I truly hated driving in that town) Anyways, Shawn had my route all mapped out for me. On my first day of work, same thing happened, throwing up with nerves. Since Shawn was so great and didn't have to work the first two weeks we were there he drove me. He would drive the 25 miles to drop me off, drive home, drive back to get me and we would drive home again. I would pay attention every time we drove, but I was so scared to drive this by myself. He drove me for my first week. My second week of work I followed him to work in the morning and then drove home at night by myself. Still laughing?....I know, there is seriously something wrong with me.

Anyways, back to the "big deal" Over the weekend I was talking on the phone to one of my friends. My friend was kind of bummed out feeling and suggested that we meet somewhere halfway for both of us. That way we could hang out and spend time with each other without each having to drive the entire distance. Well as you can imagine I started to panic. I wanted to see my friend I really did, but I also didn't want to drive to the halfway point to meet them. Halfway would be about 2 1/2 hours in a car by myself, not really knowing where I was going. I tried everything just to get my friend to drive the whole way to my house. I offered gas money, food money, and a free place to stay. You name it, I offered it. I wanted to see my friend, but I didn't think that I would be able to drive there by myself. Remember, I've always had either my parents or for the last 12 years of my life Shawn to drive places on "long" trips. Not to mention the fact that I'm HORRIBLE with directions, which totally feeds into my fear of getting lost. So I told my friend that I didn't think I would be able to make it with the power being out. I could tell that they were a little upset and bummed feeling.

After all if my friend could do the 2 1/2 hour drive why couldn't I?? Why couldn't I...? because I was scared out of my flippin' mind!! What if I got lost, what if something happened to my car, about a zillion what if's raced through my mind. Then I thought about my friend Megan who drove with a 5 month old baby to my house in Michigan from her house in Illinois, that is a 6 hour drive with a baby! I also started thinking to myself that if I want to keep visiting my friends in Youngstown then I need to suck it up and just drive it myself. I can't always depend on people to drop me off and pick me up if I'm the one who wants to do something, especially if it deals with seeing my friends. I also got to thinking that me driving myself someplace alone would be something that would make Shawn very proud of me. I also thought that if I could manage the little 2 hour trip then it would give me enough confidence to be able to go farther on my next trip. After all I don't have Shawn to "cart" me around any more. Driving places is just another thing that I have to learn to do on my own now that Shawn isn't here.

Later that night I called my friend back and asked if they wanted to meet halfway the next morning. Plans were set were we were going to meet and I got packed up. For Christmas my Mom got the family a GPS system, so I programed in the destination where I was going. I also printed off the directions from Mapquest just in case I needed them. I figured I couldn't go wrong with something that I could read and something else that talked to me telling me where to turn my car.

Tuesday morning at 10:15 I pulled out of my drive way...alone!! I had my cell phone, a pile of CD's, the GPS and I was off. (Bo had to stay at home) I wasn't really all that nervous until I hit the highway then I started to get butterfly's in my tummy. I instantly thought of Shawn and the fact that I wanted to do this for him to make him proud of me. I also said a little prayer asking God to help me on my drive and to allow this to be a good experience for me. I looked through my CD's to find just the right one to listen to. However, for some reason I didn't really feel like listening to music. For the first hour of my drive I just drove and listened to what the GPS was telling me.

During this hour I really thought a lot about my life. I thought about who I wanted to be, what I wanted to do and what I need to do to get there. Don't get me wrong I didn't get my life figured out in the first hour of driving but it was really great to have that time to myself and only myself to think about what ever I wanted to. The last hour and half I talked a little on my cell phone (don't worry I have a ear piece) and then sang out loud alone in my car to some music. I really had a good time in the car. I was in the car for a total of 5 hours in the two days and it was actually a really great time for me to think and to reflect on what has happened in my life and what I want to happen in my life.

Exactly 2 1/2 hours after leaving my house I arrived at my destination without getting lost!!! I did it!!! I drove and found my location by myself!!! When I pulled off on the exit the GPS told me to and found our meeting place I parked my car and just sat there for a few moments. I was so proud of myself. Then the tears came to my eyes... I wanted to tell Shawn that I had done this great thing. I wanted to tell him so bad! I actually picked up my cell phone to call Shawn and tell him I had gotten there without getting lost. I put my cell phone down and "talked" to Shawn instead. I thanked him for giving me the strength to do what I had just done, I thanked him for taking care of me and for being my Guardian Angel, I thanked him for loving me and I told him that I loved him. I also thanked God for my strength and safe trip as well. When I got out of my car I darn near did the Happy Dance in the parking lot, but quickly decided against it. The next morning I got back into my car and returned back home. Once again without getting lost! Go me!!

Over the last 4 1/2 months I've had several people tell me that I should just get in the car and go someplace. They told me that it would be a liberating experience for me and would most likely help me in many ways. I didn't believe them because I was scared to do this. I was scared of getting lost. But as I was thinking about my trip I quickly realized that NOTHING in my life has been scarier than what I have gone through in the last 4 1/2 months with losing Shawn, the baby, losing what my life was, and trying to figure out where my life is going. Nothing has ever been this scary for me. How the hell could a 2 1/2 hour car ride compare to that?

I'm so grateful that I got in the car and then I went. Words can't really describe the feeling I had when I got there on Tuesday afternoon. I don't know if I have enough confidence yet to drive across the country or to drive where there is crazy traffic, but I do know that I can now drive to Youngstown now when ever I want to see my friends. I know I can do other small trips as well.
So to Teresa, Jennie, Megan, Lora and Aunt Lori, thank you for telling me to get in my car and drive. I think this was probably the best thing I may have done for myself.

Oh~I also bought myself a brand new TomTom GPS system of my own today!! It was on sale for a great price and I thought why not? Retail therapy once again and something to help me with my lack of direction skills.

Watch out world...here I come!