#26-Happy Thanksgiving

As I'm typing this it is 11:30 on Thanksgiving night. The first thing I want to tell you is to please go and visit the Bring the Rain Blog http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/2008/11/redeemed.html. Angie wrote the most amazing post today and she asked each reader to participate in a Thanksgiving challenge. There are some very powerful comments on her blog. Her challenge really makes you stop and think. Go and visit her site and read her post and read through some of the comments people have left.

I have made it through my third first without Shawn. First was my birthday, then Shawn's and now Thanksgiving. It was a different Thanksgiving than in years past but at least for me that was ok. My brother wasn't able to come home either, so having Matt missing and Shawn gone was weird. We didn't eat at the table, with the good dishes, instead we ate in front of the TV with the every day dishes. We still made and ate all the traditional Thanksgiving foods (actually my mom and sister made the food, I didn't make crap) I seriously don't think I have eaten that much food in one day since Shawn died, but it all actually tasted really good. I am still full feeling.

No today wasn't a typical Thanksgiving for me. There was no bouncing back and fourth between two families, there wasn't making room for two different dinners, there were no conversations with Shawn while driving back and fourth, there was no waking up to Shawn whispering "Happy Thanksgiving baby" in my ear. This Thanksgiving was not normal for me, but then again everything I've faced in the last three months hasn't been normal. I'm still working on finding my new normal. After thinking about it, it was an 'ok' Thanksgiving. Not normal, but not as horrible as I thought it would be, just different.

Bo and I went to the cemetery today and took out Shawn's grave blanket. (I will post a pic soon) I talked to Shawn as I always do. I told him again as I do every time that I go that I miss him and that I love him. I told him that I hope he was having a peaceful and wonderful Thanksgiving in Heaven. I also told him that I know deep down that I'm going to be ok, it's just going to take some time. I also told him that I know he and our baby are watching over me and protecting me and I thanked him for that. I also told him that I still don't understand why he had to leave me, but that I didn't blame him. I actually thanked him for giving my life so much meaning. I told him I would be forever grateful to him, for making me the person I am today. I thanked him for loving me how he did and for the amazing 11 years we had together. I also told him that I'm so thankful that I have every memory of him and of us that I do. I told him that many times the memories I have bring tears to my eyes, but I can't wait for a time to come when I can think about those memories and smile and be happy instead of crying and being sad when I think about them. I thanked him for being my husband, being my best friend and for being my one and only first true love. I told him that I can't wait to meet him again in my dreams one day soon. I told him that I loved him. Then I just stood there for a few minutes before I left.

Since this is still Thanksgiving I feel like I need to give a small list of the things that I'm thankful for in my life.

• I'm thankful that Shawn was the man that I married and even though our life together ended way to fast, I so thankful and grateful for the life we had together and for everything that Shawn did for me.
• I'm thankful for all of the memories that I have of Shawn and of our life together.
• I'm thankful that my parents opened their house back to me so that I could come home and be with family until I can figure out where I want my life to go next.
• I'm thankful for the support that my little sister and brother have given me since Shawn has died.
• I'm thankful that at this moment I don't have to return back to work and have had this time to really think about my 'new' life.
• I'm thankful and grateful in so many different ways for my friends. I have always thought my friends were important to me. However since losing Shawn my friendship with all of my friends has changed and changed for the better. Each friendship is much stronger. My friends were there for me on the worst day of my life, I will never forget what they did for me after Shawn died and what they have each done for me since. I really feel that it is my friends and family who are helping me to get through this grief. My friends are helping me to go on and live. I can honestly say that I love all of my friends. You all know who you are...
• I'm thankful for this blog. At first it was just a silly way for me to write about my boring day. This blog is so much more to me now. I feel like this blog has been a great outlet for me to express my feelings and emotions.
• I'm thankful for the many new friends I have found through my blog. You guys have all been so great. I'm amazed at how much support can come from 'strangers' that I have never met. Each of you have left me such wonderful, supportive comments to me. I can't thank you enough for that. Thank you again for the comments and wonderful encouraging words. They really do mean a lot to me.
• I'm thankful that through my blog I have allowed many women see their husband in a different way. As horrible as it was and still is to lose Shawn, I'm thankful that I was able to help others to not take their husbands and their relationships for granted. I'm thankful that with what I'm going through others are able to love their husbands in a more profound and meaningful way. I'm thankful that now many other women kiss their husband good night and good morning and that they may say "I love you" just one more time during the day.
• Oh man...I almost forgot to say I'm thankful for my crazy little dog Bo, who makes me laugh even on the sad days.

These are just some of the things that I'm thankful for, I could really go on and on. Even though I have lost so much this year I still have so much to be thankful for.

Happy Thanksgiving and I'm thankful for each and every one of you!