Yup, good ole mac and cheese that is what got me today. As soon as I came down stairs and saw it on the stove I got a big lump in my throat and the tears came to my eyes. Stupid Mac and Cheese! You must all be thinking man this lady has really flipped her lid, why the heck would Mac and Cheese make a person cry.
Typically on Sunday's Shawn and I would eat Mac and Cheese before he would leave for work. Or we would eat it occasionally for dinner if I was lazy and didn't feel like cooking. I would always boil the water and 'cook' the noodles. After I drained the noodles I would yell to Shawn, "Your up!" He would then finish making it. I'm not really sure what he did to it, but it was always so creamy, cheesy and wonderful. I think he added 2 pieces of cheese, and then extra butter, but never any milk. When it was his turn I would usually go into the living room and sit down. After he was done mixing it up he would always bring me my bowl and give me a kiss on the top of the head. He did this every single time we ate this 'meal'. That is why tonight's Mac and Cheese brought tears to my eyes. I've tried to eat Mac and Cheese a few times since Shawn has died and I just can't. It doesn't taste the same, it's not creamy, cheesy or wonderful and most importantly and my favorite part there is not a kiss on the top of my head.
It is really weird how one minute I can be having a 'fine' day and the next minute something like the sight of something stupid like Mac and Cheese has me teary and wanting to bawl my eyes out. I hate this, I really really HATE this, every single part of it!!
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I would like to take this time to thank you all once again. Over the last several weeks I have had many new readers as well as those of you who have been with me since the very beginning. Each and every one of you have left me the most wonderful, thoughtful and heart warming comments. I really appreciate each and every one of them. Your comments bring a smile to my face and make me feel a little bit better at the end of the day. I would love to meet each and every one of you and give you each a big hug for being so thoughtful and wonderful to me and to Shawn as well. I think Shawn would get a big kick out of how many people read my blog now. I also know he would appreciate each of your words to me. Thank you for every word you all have typed to me. I greatly appreciate it...more than you know. Thank you!!! Oh~also a few of you have commented on how 'pretty' I am...thank you for that comment as well. You all are great!
30 comments:
What a sweet memory, so special :)
I completely agree. Certain smells, the tune to a song, a commercial, almost anything can trigger a memory. Some will be good others may be bad, I also think this is a sweet memory for you to share with us.
Your honesty is my favorite part of reading your blog. I realize the pain that you feel when these memories come up but from the outside looking in I think it is fantastic that you have so many special memories to fall back on. There are so many special things the two of you shared that you can still hold onto even though you can't hold onto Shawn.
Jen,
I've been reading your blog for a while, (I was on WebMD, which led me to Jayme's blog, which led me to yours, and I'm hooked.) But I've never commented until now. I just want you to know that you've really helped me to appreciate my husband, the good and the bad. When he does something that gets on my nerves, I think about you and how devestated I would be if I lost him. Thank you for writing on your blog.
Sometimes it's the little things that you once took for granted that become the big things when you're grieving.
Plus, good mac & cheese will bring tears to anyone's eyes. ;)
On another note, I never watch music videos anymore but happened to see this one on TV last night. The theme is different from your story, but the words completely reminded me of you. Tissue alert on this one, so save it when you need a good cry. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8khHqMntkbQ
I'm sure the small things will be rough for awhile.... but its the small things that will help you hold onto wonderful memories!
Kristin~
Thank you for sharing that song with me. That was actually the first song I heard and saw the video to on the morning of Shawn's funeral. Like you said the theme is different but the words are oh so true. The song is on the radio all the time hear and it usually brings tears to my eyes every time. The video makes it even worse.
Oh, the little things will always get you. That is such a nice memory though.
And totally off topic, you finally convinced me to read Twilight, I read it in three days and started New Moon last night! So good!
I was thinking about you on Friday evening, as my husband and I were driving north to pick up my stepdaughter. We passed by the exit where (I am guessing) one would get off to get to your house, and I started telling my husband about you and your story.
He's the same age that your Shawn was, and every time I think about that, I think of how much I need to appreciate the fact that he's here, because there are others out there who aren't so fortunate.
Still praying for you, and thanks for sharing your story, even the really hard stuff.
Jen,
I just recently started reading your blog. I too am a widow, it's been 19 months now for me.
I don't know what it is about food that always got me going too. Especially grocery shopping for some reason - I'd often leave the grocery store sobbing thinking of the things I used to buy especially for him. It's those little things that are so simple, but yet mean so much....
My heart goes out to you....
hi! my name is tammy and i recently started reading your blog. i'm not even sure how i came across it, but i did and i read it from start to finish. can't stop reading it now. sad is ultimately how i felt when i would initially leave it. hopeful is how i feel when i leave it now. i haven't exactly handled my pre wedding stress as nicely as i would have liked to, my fiance would be the first to agree with me there. poor guy. but my point is that because of what i've read here, i'm hoping to be the best wife to him that i can be, because he really deserves it. he's amazing, and your story proves that nothing in life is guaranteed. i will kiss him more and appreciate him more and tell him how much i love him more, because of you and shawn.
Well, I'm coming out of the lurking blog world to say hello. I haven't read your blog for very long, but I must admit, I have to check on you daily. I really like your honesty, and how real you are. You aren't trying to put on a show for anybody. I'll be praying for your strength daily. I want to thank you for forcing me to stop somedays and thank God for my own blessings, realizing that life is just too short. Oh...I guess I forgot the most important part! My name is Randi Nelson, and I live in Idaho Falls, ID. A dear friend of mine, Kriss, led me to your blog.
I hope you have a blessed Thanksgiving. I truely enjoy reading what you have to say.
Randi~
Hi, Jen. I've been reading your blog ever since I saw your comment on Bring the Rain. My heart has been so heavy for you.
I agree with another Blogger who said this has made her appreciate her husband more. Don't feel silly about being upset by "little things". These are the things that we always treasure. They're very special. Please know that I am praying for you. ((hugs))
Also, my husband thinks Bo is the cutest thing, and I have to agree...but we already have 2 Weimeraners and I don't think I could handle another dog!
In honor of I am not even sure what I thought I would delurk today and say I have read from the beginning as well. You are a brave and courageous woman and I admire how you have dealt with all that has come your way! Please know I am sure there are more like myself silently reading and offering up prayers for you! Blessings to you today.
(((HUGS)))
My blog is private now but email me if you want in. timkelly at tds dot net
That is a great memory! I think it's those little things that just out of the blue will get you all choked up.
Hang in there girl! you are doing great! :)
oh my what a post-- I am so sorry for your loss and how your can share your raw emotions with us - thanks for this--- ((hugs))
We would never think you had flipped your lid! Smells trigger my memory so strongly. I can see where Mac & Cheese would do it. Stupid Mac & Cheese!
Seriously - you have handled yourself with such strength and grace. I really admire you.
Awww, Jen what a sweet memory. Thank you for sharing it with us.
Jen
I have started reading ur blog thanks to Sarah Schieber. I worked with her husband. Im a 911 dispatcher. I cant even begin to imagine what either of you are going thru since these men were your husbands. Chad always gave me words of encouragement and strength when it seemed like my life was down. Im sorry for ur loss and I enjoy reading your blog. You are a very strong person and congrats on that. Im your age and couldnt imagine losing a spouse. What a terrible loss but u are doing an amazing job on ur blog! Keep up the good work
Danielle
Well, I got home to read the mac n cheese story and then had to follow that dang link to the video. So, now i'm crying too.
But, on a lighter note. Look at all of your followers. Not only are they here supporting you, it's like I said, YOU are an inspiration. Maybe this is the start of your big "thing".
Hi, Jen! I have only recently started to follow your story, but I have heard it before. (Jennie is one of my best friends) I wish I could offer you more than just words-you are an amazing woman. Thank you for sharing your story with all of us.
Jen - that's the thing about a love so deep. The oddest things become, "your things" and you never look at them the same way again.
Thanks for sharing and being so gracious as to accept our words.
oh my...i have had to make another trip to get another tissue...mac&cheese???? what an awesome memory to have...those small things will be the ones that in the end will make you giggle!!! hang in there!!!
Oh wow, that story had me crying too. Thank you for sharing this memory, Jen. I'm praying for you tonight - that you will feel the loving arms of the Lord wrap around you.
Hugs,
Amanda
I have read your blog for a while but have never commented. I'm really, truly sorry for your loss. I wanted to thank you too for reminding us to appreciate our husbands and loved ones more since we never know how long they will be with us.
Whenever you feel up to it and are ready to, can I suggest you look into a really good yoga studio or instructor? I find it helps me tremendously in my every day life in that it makes me feel tranquil yet strong. It is also a great stress reducer. I wish I could help you somehow and this is just a suggestion so please take it or leave it as you wish. I won't pretend to know how you feel but just know that I have great empathy for you and my heart is truly sad for all that you have had to go through. (((HUGS)))
Still thinking of you!
I cannot imagine what you are going through, but just know we are here to listen. I am also praying for you.
Also, I agree-that song is very sad!
Jen
I completely understand what you mean by the littlest things making you cry!! A while back I even wrote a post about it on my blog! Know what you mean!!
Creeps Up
Man that Mac and Cheese sure sounds yummy!!
How special! I too love your honesty and appreciate you putting all of this out there for us to read. When my sister died I was commuting to work 45 mintues each way and I would listen to the same Sarah McLauclan song over and over and I would cry and cry and I think it really helped me get through the grief. Now when I see Mac and Cheese I will think of you and remember how special the simple things can be. Thanks for making me appreciate the simple things!
PS. Can you ask your brother to please add the Name/URL option to his blog so that I can comment to him. I don't have a blog but want to let him know I read! Thanks!
Yep, I know that feeling. You are going along great and then BAM - i hits you. But, if you flip it around, you can try to turn those into things that make you smile. Things that ten years down the road, you will still have those memories and you will smile!
I hope you are doing okay - I think about you often. Maybe one day we will get to meet - I am only a state away!
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