Today is another milestone since losing Shawn. It has been 13 weeks since Shawn has died, tomorrow is the official 3 month mark (92 days). In so many ways it feels like such a long time ago that I last kissed Shawn's lips, smelled his skin, or received a kiss from him. In another aspect it feels just like yesterday. I don't know what feeling is worse. To have the feelings so fresh in my mind or to have them start to slip away. The shirts I have been sleeping with of his have almost lost his scent. I still have the shirt he had on the day he died, but I'm saving that for the day that there is no more smell of Shawn in the other ones. For now I'm grateful that I can still 'feel' him with me. I know that there will never ever be a day where he is completely gone from my mind or heart.
On Friday night I was 'talking' to Shawn before I went to sleep. I was asking him to give me a sign that he was 'o.k.' with how I was handling the hurtful situation that happened to me earlier in the week. I hadn't dreamt about Shawn for a few weeks, that night I did dream about him. (I think that was my sign) This was such a vivid dream, I could see him, feel him and even hear his deep strong voice. My heart stopped hurting for just a brief moment during the dream **This will also be on the blog with Sarah and I so if you don't want to read about it now, don't read on.**
In my dream I met Shawn in a big beautiful looking Victorian house. There were lots of rooms with lots of people but very peaceful. Shawn came up to me kissed me on the lips and took my hand. I followed him into his room. Once we got there he told me that he was doing ok. He told me that it was great because he had lost so much weight and for the first time in a long time his back and knee didn't hurt, his chest had stopped hurting as well. Then he took off all his clothes to show me the weight he had lost. It was Shawn just skinnier. When he took off his shirt (he had on the U of M jersey, jeans and the hat I had him wear for the funeral) he told me to close my eyes. I closed my eyes but asked him why he wanted my eyes closed. He told me he didn't want me to be shocked or scared of the scar on his chest from the autopsy. I slowly then opened my eyes. I wasn't scared of the scar at all but went up and touched it, I even kissed his chest how I did everyday when he was still here. Then Shawn told me that the scar meant that his heart wasn't hurting anymore because they took all the 'bad hurtful stuff' out of him.
The next part of my dream he took me to his favorite park. It was beautiful as well, lots of green grass, warmth, sunshine, and children playing. We just sat and talked at the park like how we used to do when he was living. Then he walked me to this bridge, kissed the spot on my neck that he always used to kiss, told me he loved me more than life itself, and told me that he missed me. He also told me that he was ok and that I was going to be ok. He told me he had to go. I asked him to please stay with me for a little while longer. He gave me one more kiss and turned around and walked down this road. I stood there in shock that he was leaving me.
Again he was gone, just so fast...like the day that he died. Even though I know it wasn't his fault I still feel like he left me so fast. The dream was so real that I woke up shocked that he wasn't laying next to me. Ugh...I hate that feeling...I hate it bad.
It was a great dream and I'm thankful that I got to 'see and touch' Shawn again, but after waking up that morning and still now a few days even after the dream I miss him more than I did in the days before. I've said it in the past, I miss him more and more every day. I think it's kind of like how you love somebody more and more every day. However like I said I'm very glad we got to be together in this dream. In one way I'm scared to dream about him again and waking up with out him there next to me. Then in another way I can't wait to dream about him again one night soon so we can be together again.
Shawn,
I miss you, love you and I always will.
16 comments:
Oh Jen, I'm sure your dream must have given you tremendous comfort, but I can only imagine how horrible it must have been to wake up and realize that he's not there.
But I think he sent you a beautiful message!
(((Hugs)))
jen,
i want to thank you for commenting on my blog. i really appreciate it when someone else finds me who knows the devastation that comes from losing their husband.
it is coming up on a year for me and i have to warn you, it is almost as bad as the first month. i am having SUCH a difficult time right now. like you said, i too miss aaron more and more every day. there have been good days in this last year, but the devastation still hits me often. my breath is still taken away often and i start to panic when i let reality sink it.
i am so sorry about your husband... and when you told me about losing your baby as well... i just lost it. i am so sorry. if i didn't have aaron jr here, i don't know how i would have coped. his sweet face and smile have brought me through some pretty dark days. even though he is only two years old, he has been my strength through some pretty horrible times this year.
you are amazing. if you weren't amazing, you wouldn't be going through this. if there is one thing i have learned from going through trials, it is that Heavenly Father doesn't give us trials of this magnitude if he doesn't think we can handle it. there are some days that i don't know how i am handling it, but somehow... i am. i know i receive a lot of my strength from the Savior and i am grateful for Him.
this dream you had reminded me of one that i had of aaron towards the beginning of this painful journey. i won't share it here, but it had a message in it that i really needed to hear at the time. i still pray every night for a message from him that he loves me. i hope and pray that i receive that message someday... hopefully soon.
thank you again. it helps me not feel so alone when i know about someone else going through this as well. i am sorry you are going through it, but i am glad you contacted me. let's keep in touch.
with love...
leslie *
I'm glad you got to 'see' Shawn. It sounded like a beautiful & peaceful dream.
E x
That was such a powerful dream. I am glad you had a chance to see him and visit with him. People have told me when you dream about someone you lost that means they are thinking about you.
What a blessing to get to see and touch your precious Shawn, even if it was in a dream. Here is to hoping this is one of many such dreams. I am so sorry for the pain you felt when you woke up by yourself.
Please know that because of your story, I see my husband with entirely different eyes now, and take "mental pictures" of each special moment we have together.
That just made my heart ache....
I truly believe God lets people's spirits visit us in our dreams... just for that reason - for comfort...
Aww Jen what a good dream. You made me cry. I'm sure that was very comforting and hopefully it made you feel better that he is okay. I think that dream was a great sign from Shawn. ((((HUGS))))
What a wonderful, but incredibly sad dream. All at the same time! Your words brought tears to my eyes. I know that dream was, in a sense, real. Shawn was put there in that dream to comfort you and let you know that he is ok.
Thanks for sharing this part of your life with perfect strangers.
Amy
Jen,
Having read about the loss of your husband and your baby has broken my heart for you. I think about you sometimes and cry and I don't even know you. You're such a strong woman.
You need to know that, just because you are attempting to move forward with life, doesn't mean you are forgetting Shawn, or leaving him behind. He will always be part of you. No matter if you fall in love, remarry, that doesn't mean that you love him any less, it just means, simply, that life DOES go on.
Even when it hurts to breathe, even when it feels almost impossible to open your eyes in the mornings and take a step, when it seems that the world is moving along without you, you find that strength to live from deep down inside.
Your memories of Shawn's love and the love you shared together, will always be with you, no matter where you go or what direction your life may take.
You are absolutely doing the right thing, trying to find out who you are before making the decision about where your life needs to go.
After reading your blog and seeing the pain and hurt you've been through, I have appreciated my husband AND my children a hundred fold. Life is so short, and we truly do not know when we will take our last breath on this earth.
God bless you and be with you on your journey, Jen. You seem like such a sweet person, and I pray every day for God to send you a healing peace for your heart.
Jen I wish you many comforting dreams like this !!! And I also love your picture profile, it is so pretty !!
Molly in BC
p.s. I found your blog through the comment you left on Angie's blog
Wow. That's quite a dream. And I understand how it can make you miss him more but I think it was a really great dream to have - the comforting feeling it gave you.
Oh, I can't even begin to imagine how you feel. I am sure your dream gave you comfort and pain at the same time. I believe that Shawn was truly there with you. I was once told that when you dream of those who pass, it is really them coming to tell you something. I am sure Shawn is with you the most when you are at your weakest. I am SO sorry for your loss.
Oh, I cannot imagine having such a vivid dream. I think it is awesome that you got to "see" him for a bit and be close to him.
I continue to pray for you. Big hugs...
Wow, Jen. That dream was amazing and brought me to tears. I cannot imagine what you are going through and am heartbroken for you. I'm so glad the Lord gave you that dream so that you could feel close to Shawn again.
Hugs and many prayers,
Amanda
You have me in tears, Jen, so I can only think of how you must be feeling. What an AMAZING dream, though. I'm so glad that you were able to remember it in such detail. That really was Shawn with you, as he always is, but you were able to see him in this case. I hope that your time spent together in your dream will bring you more comfort in the upcoming days, weeks, and months. Continue to take care of you, love on Bo, and heal.
What an amazing dream. I'm trying to type through my tears. God bless and keep you.
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