#25- 100 Days

When ever there is a major event in ones life it is funny how we count the event. We remember significant events in days, weeks, months and years. After a person is married they walk around with a smile on their face. When a stranger asks how long you have been married you say, "3 weeks or 3 months" One usually counts in months until they reach one year of marriage, then it turns into years. Then once one gets pregnant they walk around glowing telling most anybody that will listen that they are 5 weeks along, 25 weeks, or almost 40 weeks. Rarely have I heard a lady say "I'm 5 months and 3 days" Typically pregnant women speak in weeks. The same is true for when the baby is born. Proud parents walk around telling people that their baby is 5 weeks, 12 weeks or 15 weeks old. Then it changes to months until the babies first birthday, then it moves to years. As I'm thinking about it I'm finding it funny how we 'count' the important things in our life. Today is another milestone for me, although not a happy one.


100 days, that is what I'm counting today. Today, Wednesday November 26, 2008 at 10:45 a.m marks the 100th day since Shawn has been gone, since I have been a widow. 100 days,14 weeks, 3 months and 2,400 hours. I've said this before but I'm going to say it again. There is part of me that feels like Shawn just died yesterday because everything is so vivid yet in my mind...the smell of the ER, the clothes Shawn was wearing, the looks on my friends and the coach's faces, my painfully long feeling drive to the ER even though it only took 20 minutes, the phone calls telling our parents and the way that Shawn looked as they were wheeling him into the ER. That is all so fresh in my mind I remember everything of that day and of that morning...everything. Then there is the other part of me that feels like it has been so much longer than the 100 days. This is the part of me who is missing Shawn more and more every day, the part of me that misses the touch of his hands,lips and body, the part of me who misses the conversations that we used to have every day, the part that misses the love and security he gave me and the part of me that still 100 days later sleeps with his dirty shirts that no longer smell like him but make me feel good. 100 days that is a long time to be away from the person that you have loved the most in your entire life. Shawn and I were never apart for more than 2 days at a time. In being together for almost 12 years we were never apart for longer than 48 hours and that only happened during football season. Every other night we were with each other. 14 weeks/100 days that is an extremely long time to be alone when you are used to being with your husband.


I know there will come a time when I stop counting the hours and the days, that has mostly already passed. I know there will come a time when I stop counting the weeks and just say how many months he has been gone. Then I know the time will come when the number of months will turn to the number of years. However, for now I count the number of weeks and months. I wake up every Monday morning and that is the first thought in my head. "Today is another week that Shawn has been gone" I think it even before I step foot out of my bed on Monday mornings. I know the number in my mind, I don't even have to look on the calender. The same is true on the 18th of every month. On the morning of the 18th I have to add a number onto the amount of months since Shawn has been gone. It is a horrible feeling.

I know one thing and that is this. No matter how many weeks, days, months or years that Shawn will be gone I know that I will always love him more than I have ever loved anyone in my entire life. I also know that no matter what happens in my life, if I'm alone or with someone else I will still always love Shawn with my entire heart and body. I will always remember how important he is to me. As the months pass I may lose track of the exact number, I will never lose track the number of years that day is forever etched in my memory. I will never forget our love. I will never forget how Shawn loved me and how he made me feel. I will never forget the love the two of us shared. Hours, days, weeks, months, and years will all pass but my love for Shawn will never pass.