So...Today is My Birthday #2

It is a little after mid-night as I type this on November 2, so I guess that makes it my birthday. My 32nd birthday for all those who are curious about my age. I get all the time that I don't look my age. Usually people will guess 22 or maybe 23 on if they are a really good guesser. I know I probably don't look 32 but really 22...come on! Before I tell you about my big birthday plans (not!) I want to tell you about my on edge Sunday.

At 6:00 this morning I suddenly woke up out of a sound sleep with tears dripping down my face. I have not woken up crying in months and months. After I woke up a bit I realized that I had a dream about Shawn. As I was laying there details of the dream came to me. In one aspect it was a great dream. I saw him, felt his skin on mine, heard his voice, was able to lay my head on his chest, and was able to fell his arms around me. It was wonderful! In the dream Shawn had not been feeling well so we went to the doctor. The doctor told us that Shawn had a rare disease that little was known about and there was no treatment for and that he was going to die in about 2 weeks. In my dream I never saw the doctor it was just kind of fuzzy little details. However, the doctor told us to go home and spend our time with each other loving one another. We did just that. I was able to lay my head on Shawn's chest at night when falling asleep (I used to fall asleep like that every night). The two of us talked, laughed and shared memories with each other, we went for walks and we spent every minute just loving each other.

I think in real life I was trying to wake myself up from the dream I was having because I remember tossing and turning right before I woke up. Right before Shawn was to die in my dream I woke up. Once I was awake, but before I had opened my eyes I though to myself that maybe, just maybe this really was just a horrible dream and I was going to open my eyes to find Shawn sound asleep on his side of the bed. I opened my eyes,in a fraction of a second looked at Shawn's side of the bed and realized that my life the last 14 months was not a dream, but real, as Shawn obviously was not sleeping next to me. UGH!! For the next half hour I just sat in my bed and tried to get the dream out of my head. It was one of those dreams that just sticks with you. I even turned on the t.v. for a little while thinking that maybe if I could get something else in my head I would be able to fall back asleep. Finally around 7:30 I fell back to sleep, but only to keep dreaming about Shawn. Again it was just the two of us spending time with each other. It was so great to see, hear and feel him in my dream. Those kinds of dreams are great, but I'm not going to lie they make waking up alone without Shawn that much harder.

I think the dream just kind of set the tone for the day. I was teary all morning and I was kind of irritable all day long. I was having one of those want to be left alone kind of days. Then it hit me...today (well yesterday) is the day before a marked 'event'. Over the last 14 months I have come to realize that the days or day leading up to a special event or holiday are usually worse than the actual day is. I think it is the anticipation of facing another special day without the person that you love. It happened last year at my birthday, his birthday, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. The days before were way worse than the actual day. Once again...UGH! I was kind of hoping that I wouldn't experience that this year with all of the special days quickly approaching. I should have known...the grief never ever goes away. So I just let myself have a kind of crabby day and I hope tomorrow, well today will be better.

I really don't have that many plans for my birthday. It's still just a regular ole day. As usual I'm going to go to the gym, then I'm meeting my cousin for lunch. After that I think I'm going to have to take Bo to the vet...again. His allergies are out of control again. After that I plan on curling up in my bed and taking a little nap. After my parents and sister get home from work we will all go out for dinner. Then it's home to sit on the couch and watch Dancing With the Stars. I told you, a really exciting birthday huh? Later in the week I will be celebrating with my friend Kim- we are going to go for dinner and drinks. I really am doing much much better than I was last year at this time. I am having more and more fun and that feels good, actually really good. However, at the same time it still feels really odd to celebrate my birthday and other special days without Shawn. I'm not totally to that point yet, and that is ok too.

I know I shared this with you last year on my birthday, but I want to share it again this year as well. I want to share with you the last birthday letter I got from Shawn. He wrote the letter for me on my 30th birthday. I read it last year before I went to bed and I will be reading it again this year. On November 2, 2007 Shawn wrote to me:

Angel,
I know this hasn't been easy in any way shape or form. However, despite all the bullshit we go through on a daily, weekly, monthly, and seems now yearly bullshit, I can't imagine anybody else to go through it with. That being said while the journey has been less than desirable, we are just getting started. I can't imagine anybody else I would have rather gone through the journey with. I hope this will celebrate our past journey and we can realize that our journey together will get better, and the best part of OUR and OUR FAMILIES JOURNEY has yet to begin.

I love you Angel more than you will ever know or I can convey!

Love,
Hoss

P.S.-You jump, I jump
P.S.S.-I can't wait to start our family together with you...our journey has yet to begin

Shawn wrote me that birthday letter to me just eight months before he died. For those of you who don't know or who are knew to my blog Shawn used the word 'journey' more than a few times in that letter. That was his entire plan, that year for my 30th birthday Shawn gave me the Journey diamond necklace. I still wear it today. I know none of you knew Shawn, but I hope by reading this letter you can tell just how great he was.

Our journey ended way to soon. However, I'm grateful and blessed to have spent 12 amazing years with Shawn. Each and everyday was special and I have a life time of memories stored in my heart. Are my birthdays the same anymore? No, they are not. Shawn always made a big deal out of my birthday. There are things that Shawn always used to do that no longer happens. Those are the memories that I will always remember and will always think about on my birthday today and for years to come. Those memories will bring a smile to my face today.