Happy Birthday Shawn!! #21

As I said in yesterday's post today would have been Shawn's 33 birthday. It has been 15 months and it still feels wrong to say, "should have been". It should still be his birthday and he should still be here to celebrate it! Period!...But he is not.

Of course the "big thing" I wanted to do today would not work. I seriously tried for several hours to get it to work on my own with no luck. I tried downloading programs and everything without success. Then earlier this afternoon my brother tried walking me through something he thought would work. It did not. He does seem to think that he can make it work for me when he comes home next week for Thanksgiving. So the "big thing" will have to wait until next week. I'm really bummed out about it. I so badly wanted to share with you the Shawn's Tribute Video that they made for me at the funeral home. It is a 13 minute movie with pictures of Shawn throughout his entire life. All of us in the family picked out the pictures, but I picked the three songs that the pictures play to. I picked the theme song to The West Wing, Neon Moon, and of course the UofM fight song. All of which had special meaning to both Shawn and I. I'm so upset that I couldn't get it to work. I really wanted to show you all that video today for Shawn's birthday. I thought that would have been a great way for you all to get to know Shawn better and a way to honor him on his birthday. (I don't know, maybe it's a way of Shawn telling me that he doesn't want a hundred pictures of him out for the entire world to see) Oh-well, I'm still going to show you, but it will be sometime next week. Instead what I have done is fine a few pictures of Shawn that I had on my computer. I hope you like them, although I don't have any of him from when he was little.
Shawn and I at his sisters wedding.

The two of us taken at a family reunion 12 months before he passed away.

Working in his YSU office.

Today hasn't been all that bad of a day. This morning I went up and took a UofM grave blanket I had made especially for Shawn out to the cemetery. I placed it on his grave and was talking to Shawn telling him how much I miss him and how much I love him. It was kind of chilly out so I didn't stay for long. Right before I left I told him that I think about him all of the time and that I can still feel him with me, I told him that no matter what happens my future I hope that I can always feel him. Then I asked him to give me a sign if he was ok with that. It was cloudy when I arrived, but as I was starting my car back up, I kid you not the sun came out and a full ray of sun reached all the way from the sky down to the drivers seat of my car. Uhm, I'm taking that as I sign. I told him I loved him and left.

Every year on Shawn's birthday the two of us would always order Chinese take out and go home to eat it while we watched the UofM vs OSU game. Today, was no exception. I went and got take out for myself, Mom, and sister. Then I watched most of the game. Let me tell ya, Shawn would not have liked this game one bit. Then again, I don't think Shawn would have liked the last two UofM seasons! It felt good to do something that the two of us used to do, especially on a day that was special to us. Later tonight, I'm going with some friends to see The Blind Side. I know this would be a movie that Shawn and I would be seeing together.

It feels odd or weird to me now that I am a full year older than Shawn ever got to be. Shawn was only 31 when he died. Now, I'm 32 and it just feels a little strange. He was 31, never his 32nd birthday. Actually kind of hard to put into words. I don't know, I thought I was going to be able to explain it, but I don't really think I can.

So on what would have been Shawn's 33 birthday I spent the day doing things that I think Shawn would have liked. I wish more than anything, than life itself that he was still here to celebrate his birthday. However, I know he is having the best birthday in Heaven, and for that I'm grateful!

Happy Birthday Bub!!! I miss you and love you more than you know!!!!

(watch sometime next week for the tribute video. I'm going to make it happen!)