Another Big Change #23

I've never been a big fan of change. Matter of fact just thinking about a major change makes my tummy hurt and makes me all anxious feeling. I lived and am living through the biggest change in my life. The change of not living with Shawn, and not waking up and going to sleep with him every morning and night. I'm learning to live with that change. With Shawn's job as a college football coach change could happen at any second. Coaches interview for new jobs, get new jobs, resign from jobs, and get fired from jobs every single season. It's part of life as a college football coach. I didn't like it, but I knew it could happen at the end of every football season, and I learned to live with it. Well, yesterday I found out about another huge change.

Yesterday afternoon I received a phone call from one of the YSU coaches that I'm still really close with. He was calling to tell me that Coach H (the head coach at YSU) resigned as Head Coach earlier in the day. In a way I think everyone who was or is a fan of YSU football could see this coming. The last two years have been extremely hard on the entire team. First Shawn passed away, players got hurt, and players left the team very unexpectedly. Both last year and this year YSU had winning seasons, but just barely. For those of you who don't know or understand college football, just barely doesn't count. You need to WIN, and you need to WIN often. It's the politics of the game. Fans, press, and boosters don't often care if you are a 'good guy' or not. The last several weeks rumors and the media have been very hard on Coach H. I have not talked to Coach H, but I think he probably thought it was in the teams best interest if he stepped down as Head Coach.

In college football when the Head Coach steps down or is fired it usually means that the rest of the staff will also be let go as well. More times than not a new Head Coach wants his own team of coaches with him, not coaches from a previous staff. This has happened at YSU as well. So, for me this means another big change. The coaches, coaches wives and families that I have come to know and love while living in Youngstown and being part of the YSU football family will more than likely not be in Youngstown when I go and visit. When you coach college football the entire coaching staff and their families form into one big family. That was very true while I was at YSU. Wives become friends, you have to, you have to be there to support each other because being a college football coaches wife is hard and at times lonely.

There are several coaches on that staff that Shawn and I became immediate friends with. Those are the same group of coaches that have been huge and remained huge for me following Shawn's death. They are the group of coaches that all came to Shawn's funeral in a big charter bus. Five of those coaches were Pall Bearers for Shawn. Coach H spoke at Shawn's funeral and said the most amazing, sincere, heart felt things about Shawn. The YSU coaching staff wasn't just a bunch of coaches sitting in an office breaking down plays, they became family, we all became part of the YSU football family, for that, their love and support I will always be grateful.

It's going to be so different from now on when I go to Ohio. The majority of the time I spend with Jennie, Lora and their families and for that....thank God will not change. However, usually one or two nights while I was there I would go and hang out with the guys. We would go out to eat or hang at one of their apartments. We would talk, have a few drinks, watch football, talk 'shop', and of course share our memories of Shawn. That is what will be changing, and that breaks my heart. I know I will always keep in touch with the YSU staff, I know I will ALWAYS keep in touch with "my guys", but at the same time it is going to be so different not seeing them and spending time with them when I'm in town.

Also in a totally selfish way this change is hard on me for a few other reasons than just not being able to hang out with the guys. This may sound kind of silly, but every time I went to Youngstown and hung out with the guys in a way I still felt connected to college football. I still was able to feel the connection to the last and probably most important team that Shawn ever coached for. I still felt like I was part of the YSU family when I was with the guys, and that was an amazing feeling. The other thing that is getting me about this whole 'change' is the fact that the new coaching staff will no NOTHING about Shawn when they step foot into that stadium. They won't know what kind of husband he was, that his wife made the best damn chocolate chip cookies every Monday, what kind of coach he was, how he always worked his ass off for the team and more than anything when they look at Shawn's big tribute picture hanging in the video room they won't know that Shawn died after football practice doing a job that he loved to do. The coaching staff at YSU knew all of those things about Shawn, they worked all the time to keep Shawn's memory alive. The new staff won't know a thing about him, and well in a very selfish way that really makes me sad.

So this marks another change in my life. Yes, I will be fine, I am fine, and in the big picture of life this isn't nearly as hard as losing Shawn. I'm going to Ohio in a few weeks to celebrate Christmas early with Jennie, Lora and the kids. Most of the guys will still be there, so for the last time I will be seeing and spending time with them and their families. I will have one last chance to feel the love of The YSU football family. I will hold onto the memories of YSU, the staff, and our big coaching family just as I hold onto the memories of Shawn...in my heart.