How Music Helped #18

When I first started NaBloPoMo I asked for suggestions to blog about because by the end it gets hard to blog everyday. Well, the only suggestion I received was from a reader who wanted to know how music helped me through my grief. So, I thought to kind of tie back to Monday's post about "Yesterday's Rain" I would in fact write about how music has helped me.

I have to be totally honest here when I say at first music was really hard for me to listen to. In fact I didn't listen to any music in the first few months after Shawn died. It was just too hard to have the radio on and have "special" songs come on. Almost every song I heard reminded me in some way of Shawn. It was just too painful to listen to music, so for about three months I didn't listen to any music. Not in my room, not in my car, not on T.V, not anywhere. It was just too hard and I didn't like listening to it and crying at the same time. It was just easier not to listen.

The week before Shawn died Brad Paisely released a new song called, "Waiting on a Woman". If any of you listen to country music I'm about sure you have heard it. It is a song about a man who is always waiting on a woman. The last verse of the songs says,

"I've read somewhere statistics show
The man's always the first to go
And that makes sense 'cause I know she won't be ready
So when it finally comes my time
And I get to the other sideI'll find myself a bench, if they've got any
I hope she takes her time, 'cause I don't mind
Waitin' on a woman.
Honey, take your time, cause I don't mind
Waitin' on a woman."

The first time I heard that song I was in the car with Shawn. We actually were coming back from a shopping trip where we had gotten a few things for the baby. When I heard the last verse of the song I instantly got all choked up. (Yes, I'm a sap like that) Then Shawn looked at me and said in a total serious tone, "If I go before you I want you to know that I will find a bench and wait for you because that is how much I love you" Insert tears here. Two days later Shawn passed away. The day he died I saw the video for this song on T.V....totall tear jerker. Needless to say I didn't listen to this song for a very long time. Now, I can listen to it and remember Shawn telling me that he would wait for me and it actually makes me feel good remembering that moment that the two of us shared.

The night before Shawn's funeral for some reason I had video's on the T.V., I actually fell asleep with the T.V. on. In the morning I woke up to Carrie Underwood's video, "Just A Dream" Since it was the day of his funeral I was in a state of total shock so I didn't get up and turn off the T.V. I had actually never heard that song. I remember sitting there thinking to myself, that this is a song about death...turn off the TV...turn it off. However, I just couldn't, instead I sat their in my parent's guest bedroom crying my eyes out as I watched the video. For me, it wasn't just a dream, the song was now my life. Still to this day I have a really hard time listening to that song on the radio, and there is no way I can watch the video. Still.

Shawn's all time favorite country group was Brooks and Dunn. Shawn loved them! He had every tape, and every CD. Shawn would usually go to the store the day that their new CD was released and then would come home and listen to the new CD over and over again. One of my all time favorite memories of Shawn occurred while we were dating. It was a few weeks after we had told each other we loved each other for the first time. We had just finished ice skating at a local ice rink and of course a snowball fight. We were sitting in Shawn's car listening to Shawn's Brook's and Dunn CD in the car. The song "Neon Moon" was on and I remember Shawn singing the words to me and pretending to play the steel guitar at the same time. I "liked" Brooks and Dunn before that night, but right there while Shawn was singing their song to me I too fell in love with Brooks and Dunn, just like Shawn had. Over the years the two of us attended several Brooks and Dunn concerts and we always were the first to buy a copy of their new CD. When Brooks and Dunn announced a few months ago that they were going to retire, I immediately wanted to call and tell Shawn. I know he would have been crushed. Last month when Brooks and Dunn's last CD came out, you bet I was the first in line to buy "our" copy. I have loved listening to all of the songs that are on it. Fifteen months later, I can now listen to their music and remember all of the great times that Shawn and I had enjoying their music.

Right before Christmas last year my friend Sarah gave me a copy of her new single "Christmas in Heaven" I immediately opened it up and played it in my car. I remember at first I just sat their in my parking spot listening to the words. Then I think I must have drove around town for at least 45 minutes just listening to the words over and over again. I have to tell you that song really really helped me get through last Christmas. If you know somebody who has lost a loved one then you should visit http://www.sarahschieber.com/ and buy the CD for them.


By the time Christmas was over last year I had decided that I needed to start living my life again. I had had enough of sitting in my house and enough of feeling sorry for myself. I started to get a routine going for myself and I also started listening to music once again. Sometimes it was still painful, but there more times than not I would listen to a song and remember good times. Listening to music was starting to not hurt so much, but rather it was starting to help me.

In February Sarah began working on her new album, "The Long October Road" when she was finished recording she gave me a "rough" demo of the CD. I can not begin to tell you what listening to that CD did for me

I would listen to this CD over and over and over again. Sarah wrote this CD out of the grief that she had over the loss of her husband. She got it, she understood exactly how I felt. She took her feelings and the words out of her journal and put them into songs. Every single song on that CD spoke to me in some way or another. "The Long October Road" helped me in my grieving process more than I can begin to describe. I can not tell you the number of hours I would just sit up in my room and listen to this CD. I listened in the car, in the tanner, in the shower, and fell asleep to it at night. When I would listen to the song I knew exactly what Sarah was singing about. I felt like the songs, "Breath In, Breath Out", "Box of Memories", "My Beloved" and "The Long October Road" were written for me. Listening to these songs were giving me hope once again. I still listen to this CD all of the time. Most of the time I can now listen to this CD without crying. Although, if I'm having an "off" day and need to cry, I curl up on my bed and will listen to this CD and it is a healthy cry now. This CD really started me listening to music once again.

Now for a new music memory. One night when I was spending time with "T" we were talking and listening to music. I had no idea what group we were listening too, but I kind of liked them. They had a different sound to them, but a quality I liked all at the same time. I give all the credit to "T" for turning me on to Kings of Leon. I love love their new CD! I'm not a dancer at all, and I find myself wanting to break out into a dance when I listen to their music. I listen to this CD most of the time when I'm at the gym because it really motivates me. I'm glad that "T" introduced me to this group. Like I said it is my first new memory of music that I had.

Like I said now at 15 months (15 months today actually) I'm finding that I listen to music more and more. I'm now able to listen to music that Shawn and I used to listen to together with a smile on my face and remember the good times associated with those songs, instead of crying to them. There are still times when I hear a song and instantly think of Shawn. There are new songs being played on the radio that I would love for Shawn to hear. Or songs that I think Shawn would sing to me if he was still alive. One of those songs is "Then" by Brad Paisely. The words in that song are just something that I think Shawn would say to me. So after not listening for such a long time it does feel good to have music back in my life once again. Now, music is feeling better and better.