Meet My Support Group #5

In the weeks and months following Shawn's death almost everybody I knew suggested that I join some sort of support group. Friends and family thought it would be good for me to talk to and meet other people who were grieving the loss of a spouse. I however wanted nothing to do with this idea and I didn't think it was a good idea for me.

When I think of the words 'support group' I think of meeting in a random church basement with pale blue cider block walls and folding chairs arranged in a circle. In a corner of the room there would be a coffee maker and Styrofoam cups. People much older than I am would then sit down in the circle and say, "Hi, my name is Sally, and I lost my husband two months ago." I also used to think that the people in the group would be much older than I am, actually I think of elderly men and woman. I did not want to put myself in that type of situation. They were not going through the same thing I was. Yes, those people lost their husbands/wives so they knew the pain I was going through. However, those same people in those other support groups got to live an entire life with their spouses, because remember they were old. I did not get to do that, my life with Shawn was just getting started. I did not want to go sit in a circle and listen to a75 or 80 year old talk about the great long life they had with their spouse. When I think about it now, it is pretty horrible for me to think that. Whether you lose your spouse of 1 year or 60 it still hurts more than you will ever know. Just remember these were the thoughts that I had about three months after Shawn's death. When people would suggest a grief support group I would reply with, "I have my family and friends, they are all there for me and those are the only people that I need." I also didn't feel comfortable pouring my heart out to a group of people that I didn't know about the life I had with Shawn. Also, remember I can be a pretty stubborn person when I want to be, so I pretty much wrote off the idea of attending a support group.

Then one day last year around the end of November I received a letter in the mail from another young widow in my town. She was writing a letter to myself and to two other ladies because she had lost her husband and wanted to form a support group. A support group especially for young widows. She had gotten our names through the funeral home because we all used the same one. I read the letter and then threw it in the trash almost immediately. The next day I got the letter back out. I remember thinking to myself that I had met Sarah when I really didn't want to and her and I were forming a great friendship. I thought I would give this lady a call and see what she was like on the phone. A few nights later we met for dinner and once again it was so nice to talk to somebody who knew exactly what I was going through and the emotions I was feeling. She mentioned the two other ladies and said that they were also interested in meeting because they had been to those "other" support groups and didn't find the comfort they were looking for.

I went home and thought about it and decided that yes I would meet them. I was very hesitant. To be totally honest with you I really didn't want to go and I was for sure not expecting to get anything out of it. (Boy was I wrong) I was kind of doing it to make my family and friends happy. One week later the four of us met as a group at a local restaurant in town. We met for the first time at the beginning of December and I remember looking around the table thinking we all looked like pure hell. We all looked tired, sad, frustrated, and about ready to give up.

We started talking and realized that all of our husbands died within three weeks of each other. Their dates of death were Aug 15, August 18, September 4, and September 7. We all used the same funeral home and actually two of us at a time were actually at the funeral home with each other without knowing it. Here is the really odd thing, three of our husbands died at exactly the same time. Even though I was hesitant to meet them it did feel really good to talk to somebody who knew exactly what I was feeling.

I thought I would share a little about each of them with you. That way when I talk about them on my blog you will "know" who I am talking about. For the sake of their identity I'm not going to use their real names, but just an initial.

First is "P". "P" was the one who started the group. Her husband passed away three days before Shawn and he passed away from cancer. P's husband was only 43. I can not imagine what it must have been like to watch the cancer take her husband. The entire time he was sick "P" never left his side, she took care of him until the very end. The two of them enjoyed hunting and fishing together, they were married for 14 years. "P" is credited with bringing all of us together.

Next is, "N". Her husband died unexpectedly two weeks after Shawn in an awful accident while trying to repair his car that had broken down. Together they have a beautiful teenage daughter, were married for 18 years and loved to spend time as a family. They have a huge yard and always enjoyed doing yard projects together. "N" is the one in the group who is always taking care of the rest of us and wanting to make sure everyone is doing ok.

Then there is "L". She was married to her husband for 25 years and have four children, two of which are away at college. He also passed away unexpectedly in a motorcycle/car accident three days after "N's" husband. They enjoyed spending time at their cottage, spending time traveling, and hanging out as a family. "L" is always looking out for each of our best interests and is watching our backs and taking care of us all the time.

(I wont go into detail about me, because, well you already know my story)- Now you know the make up of my support group.

At first we started meeting every week at a restaurant and we would just talk and share the different things we were each feeling. Again, being totally honest when we first stared I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to do this every week. At first it was really hard. As comforting as it was, it was also hard listening to other people talk about their grief, at least for me it was. Slowly things started to change. In the end of January we decided to do something fun for a day. We had all made it through our first set of Holidays without our husbands, so we decided to reward ourselves. So for one day we rented a limo, went shopping at an outlet mall, and then spent the afternoon at a spa getting pedicures and facials. It was one of the first times we spent time as a group doing something 'fun' instead of talking about our loses. I think that day was a turning point for all of us, we all bonded in another way. After that day we decided to stop meeting at the restaurant and instead started meeting at "P's" house. It was a much nicer environment and the four of us could take more freely without having to worry about who was sitting behind us. As the winter went on and Spring started we all realized we were getting closer not only as a group but as wonderful friends. By the time Summer started we still were having our weekly "meetings", that I was now really enjoying and looking forward to, but had also started doing several other things as well. We go out to eat, go shopping, go to movies and doing other fun things together. Sometimes we will do things as a group and other times we will do things with whoever of the four of us is available. The four of us have really formed a very special bond...a bond that will last a lifetime. We all joke that one day we will all be living in Florida like the Golden Girls.

All of us are always watching out for each other. We are there for fun times, but still are there on the days one of us has a bad day. One day this summer "P" was having a really hard few days. So myself, "L" and "N" went to "P's" house at night when we knew she wasn't home and the three of us decorated her drive way with a huge flower pinata, a huge red Elmo balloon and a card that sang "We Are Family" when she would open it up. We knew she was having a hard day so we thought we would at least make her laugh when she got home. We laugh, cry, and talk with each other all the time. We have gone from some really dark and sad days together to the start of more happy times. Almost every day one of us talks to another member of the group.

I want Shawn back more than anything, but I also know and believe that people are brought into your life for a reason. Especially at times in your life when you need them the most. I kind of like to think that that all of our husbands met in Heaven one day, got to talking, and brought all of us together. As I said I was hesitant to meet them at first, I thought I had all the friends I needed. The truth of the matter is I needed more. Specifically, I needed "P","N", and "L", I needed them without even knowing it. I'm so blessed that I stuck with the group and that I gave it a chance. I can honestly tell you the four of us have a bond that not many people get to experience in their life. We are young widows, we are each others support, we are survivors, and more importantly we are friends for life and there is no doubt in my mind that four angels up in Heaven brought the four of us together down here on Earth, during at time where we each needed each other the most.

"P", "L", and "N" if you are reading this I want you to know that I love you and don't know what I would do without each of you!