Ok It's Official...I Don't Want to Do This Anymore

I knew this morning as soon as I woke up it was going to be a rough day. I woke up at around 6:00 this morning, rolled over and for some reason I didn't really know where I was. I felt very panicked and kind of upset. Once I got my bearings and realized I was at Jennie's sleeping in my bed at her house. I looked over and saw Bo sleeping at the end of the bed and tried to make myself go back to sleep, only I couldn't.

Instead all I could do was think about Shawn. Thinking of how much I miss him and how much I wished that he was beside me and that we were in our house, and in our bed...together. I thought about many of the good times we had while we were together. Then by 7:00 the tears were flowing out of my eyes. I pulled myself together so I could help get Jennie's kids ready for daycare. Then as I was driving back to Jennie's house the tears started again. It was 8:30 in the morning and I was already in tears twice. Not a good start to the day.

As I was driving down all of the familiar roads that Shawn and I used to drive down together I thought more about the great times the two of used to have. They were great memories and memories that I will never forget and I smiled while thinking of them, but at the same time they made me a little sad. I wish so badly that Shawn and I would have gotten more time together to make many many more memories. However for reasons that I'm sure I will never understand that was not to be the case.

I haven't had a 'sad' day in a few weeks so I'm sure it's about time for the tears to come out again and I will let them. I've learned that it is better to let them fall than to keep them bottled up inside. So I've let the tears fall throughout the morning. I hope as the day goes on my mood will improve. However, right now at this moment feel like a rug has been yanked out from under me and I'm left kind of hanging in a state of limbo. I know I will be fine, I know I will get through this and come out on the other side.

However right now at this moment I'm admitting that I HATE this! I hate feeling like this, I hate how the grief can come up and bite you in the face when you are least expecting it. I hate the fact that Shawn isn't here with me and I'm left to find a new life for myself, when all I ever wanted was a life with him. I hate the fact that I'm now a widow instead of a wife. I hate the feeling all alone, even when I'm in a room with lots of people. As much as I wanted this year to go by fast so I could get through all the "firsts" I hate that I'm looking 11 months straight in the face, August 18 will be here before I know it. Have I mentioned that I hate this? Well I do, I hate this and I don't want to do this anymore.

Maybe I'm feeling this way today because it has been cold and rainy for almost three days straight. I'm not sure, but I know I don't like it. Hopefully the day will get better. Right now Jennie, Bo and I are curled up in her bed watching TV together. Even though Jennie feels like ass she still was there for me today to wipe my tears for me. So here the two of us sit in her bed, me crying, missing Shawn and Jennie with her swollen sore face and Bo in between us. What a day!

I know I will be fine, and I know I have to deal with all the emotions surrounding Shawn's death. But for today I miss him so very much it hurts my heart and I would do anything to have his arms around me. I would love for him to tell me that everything will once again be ok. I would do anything to hear his voice just for a while longer. I would do anything for just one more kiss. I miss him so so much.

I know I will be ok and I hope I will find love and happiness again one day but for today it's official...I hate this and I don't want to do this anymore.