Definition of A Widow

I have been mulling this post over in my mind for a while now. I had lots of thoughts in my mind about this post but didn't have much thought in the direction I wanted to go with it, and I wanted this post to be right. Then last Wednesday I read my friend Sarah's post about her experience being a speaker at The First Annual Conference on Widowhood. http://sarahschieber.blogspot.com/2009/07/wonderful-world-of-widowhood.html. (By the way it sounded like a wonderful experience and I'm now kind of upset that I didn't go myself.) Anyways, while I was writing my comment on her blog it came to me how I wanted to do this post. Also at that moment I remembered a conversation I had with an older lady on the plane on my way to Chicago. So here it goes.

After reading Sarah's post it really made me wonder what it meant to be a widow. I know you are all probably thinking "What is she talking about...she is a widow, she should know already" Trust me it sounded funny in my own head as well, especially since I have been a widow for almost a year. But yet I began to wonder what other people thought being a widow meant. Then I really began to think about what being a widow meant myself. Did my definition of the word widow change within the last year?

According to the dictionary a widow is, "a woman who has outlived the man to whom she was married at the time of his death; esp., such a woman who has not remarried" I think this is the definition that we all know and understand. However, I feel that there is so much more wrapped up in being a widow other than what the definition states there to be.

When I used to hear the word widow for some reason my mind always jumped to the Golden Girls. When I would hear the word I would immediately think of Rose, Dorthy, Sophia and Blanche all sitting around the kitchen table eating cheesecake together. I'm not really sure why I had that vision of a widow in my head but for some reason I did. A widow was supposed to be somebody who was old. A widow was a lady with white curly hair, with flowers on her sweater who was either living alone after the death of her husband. Or a lady with white curly hair, with flowers on her sweater living with a few friends of hers that were also widows. They would live with each other so that they wouldn't be alone. That my friends was what I thought of when I heard the word widow prior to August 18, 2008.

Since the day Shawn died my definition of a widow has changed almost as much as my life has. On that day I became a widow at only 30 years old. How does that happen? How did I go to work that morning married and loving my husband and then four hours later become a widow? I quickly realized that you don't have to have silver hair and live with three other ladies in order to be a widow. It can happen at anytime, to anyone, sadly at any age and it happened to me!Don't get me wrong, I knew that unfortunately"young men" do die leaving their young wives behind as young widows, but I guess I never really thought about that. I didn't think about it until I was sitting in that ER room after the doctor had told me that Shawn "didn't make it". Once the doctor said those words..I became a widow! Nothing like a life altering tragedy to make you rethink the meaning of one little word.

Now when I think of the word widow I think of much more. I think of becoming a stronger person. When you become a widow at any age, but especially young you learn many many things. You learn things about other people, you learn how to do things you never used to do, you learn to become an independent person and you learn to be you without being attached to someone else. The last 11 months I have learned about ME. I know I still have lots to find out about Jenny, but I think I'm on my way. Finding me and who I am without Shawn is one of the hardest things I have ever done in my entire life. But yet,I 'm doing it every...single...day. That to me is what the definition of a widow now is...facing life, continuing to breath, continuing to live when you are faced with the darkest time of your life. It would have been so easy just to give up and let life pass me by. I think many many widows probably have had that same thought. Living, loving, and surviving life after the loss of your beloved husband is much harder than passing life by. Much harder, but doing all of those is also making me a stronger person.

Being a widow has made me such a stronger person than I ever thought possible. I honestly can't think of a much worse situation to live through than losing your husband, becoming a widow, and then losing your baby all in just four short weeks of each other. Like I've said before if someone would have told me "this" was going to be my life years ago I would have told them just to dig the hole right next to Shawn. I never in my wildest dreams thought I could have lived through so much pain and grief. That is where the strength comes into play. Shawn always told me I was stronger than I gave myself credit for. There are a few of the Coach's that Shawn worked with that always told me I was a strong woman. They wished they could find girlfriends like me. Being married to a football coach is a tough gig, I had to be strong...I just never realized how strong I really was.

I think one of the hardest things I've learned about being a widow is just the feeling of being alone. You have to adjust your entire way of thinking and your entire way of living. You no longer need to get two cereal bowls down from the cupboard in the morning. You don't go through as much tooth paste. With Shawn coaching there where times when I was alone, especially on the weekends when he had away trips. I was alone, but not really. I always knew he would be home the next night. When you are a widow you can't look forward to the next night, because there isn't one. You learn to do things alone, you learn to become more independent.

When I started driving myself back and forth to Youngstown that was HUGE for me. I had never driven anywhere further than one hour in the car by myself before...ever! I had always had Shawn and we did it together. Last week was also a pretty big deal for me. I flew for the first time by myself in an airplane. Not a big task for some, but for me it was HUGE!! I had to sign in by myself, carry my own luggage, find baggage claim, switch planes, find my way to my connecting flight, switch planes again and do the same thing on the flight back home. But you know what? I did it!! I was so proud of myself once I found my connecting flight in that big airport I was about skipping down the terminal! If you would have asked me 11 months ago to go and visit a friend alone, I would have laughed in your face. However, things change...I have learned to be alone, I've changed. And like Sarah while I'm so amazingly blessed to have my family and great friends in my life, and while I imagine the day when I will fall in love again I now know that I will be 'ok' alone until that time comes, if it ever comes. There are times when I actually like the stillness of being just be and being by myself. I'm even considering getting my own place after getting some money saved up. I know I can do this and actually looking forward to it. Living through the death of Shawn has made me a stronger person in so many different ways. It has taught me so much about myself, things I don't know I would have figured out before. I want Shawn back with me every single day. While I still don't understand the 'why's' too all of this I'm trying and I know I may never be able to figure all of this out. I just have to be open to the possibilities of what is still yet in front of me and embrace them as they come.

While I was on the plane last week I was sitting next to an older lady. You know the type...silver hair, flowers on her shirt, and white shoes that matched her white purse. She looked at me when I sat down in my seat. I smiled and said hi. She just kept looking at me for some reason. Then all of a sudden she reached right in front of me and looked at my necklace. She then asked me where I had gotten it. I thought she was talking about my journey pendant. She said no and actually picked up Shawn's thumbprint pendant off of my neck. She asked me what store I had gotten it at because she liked it and thought it was a 'neat' idea. I thought great, now I'm going to have to tell her that I didn't get the pendant from a store, but instead from the funeral home where my husband was at. I proceeded to tell her that the pendant was a thumbprint of my husband and that I had gotten it after he passed away. I got the most shocked look from her. She sat straight up in her chair and said, "But you aren't old enough to be a widow, that only happens to people my age" I told her, that is what I used to think to, but that yes it did happen to me, yes my 31 year old husband did die, and I was his 31 year old widow. She instantly gave me a big hug and told me how sorry she was. Then she asked me how Shawn died. She immediately thought he died in a car accident. I told her no, and then she guessed cancer. Boy was she shocked when I told her that Shawn died from a massive heart attack. Then I got the 'oh but he is so young look' The conversation with her just reminded me that there is no age limit to becoming a widow. It can happen at anytime, to anyone, at any age. You don't have to be the Golden Girls to be a widow. I am a widow and I'm about as far away from Blanche, Rose, Sophia and Dorthy as you get.

Now 11 months later I have a totally different understanding of a widow. It's a strong woman, who in the face of death and the worst time of her life chooses to move forward, to keep breathing, learning to be strong, make it through the hard times, and while most important learn about herself in the process.

Now I ask you... What is your definition of a widow? What do you think of when you hear the word...widow? Has your definition of the word changed at all through a life experience.