Two More Milestones...Check

(Warning...this may get long!)
This weekend has come and gone, meaning that I have made it through two more milestones. As usual the days leading up to the milestone was worse than the actual day. Well, maybe not worse, but perhaps more anxiety filled. Anxiety is usually what I feel in the days leading up to a particular day. I know it helped being in Youngstown surrounded by all of my friends.

Saturday marked 8 months since Shawn has been gone. It is still hard for me to wrap my arms around that fact...the fact that he is actually gone. I mean, I know he is gone and that he died, it is just a huge thing to understand, to accept, and to deal with. Although I know all of these things the emotions surrounding it all is just so big and open it is hard to fully take in and understand at times. In one way 8 months feels like it was such a very long time ago, then in another way it feels like it was just yesterday and I'm still trying to catch my breath from losing Shawn. I have since caught my breath (for the most part), and I'm learning to live my life again but there is still that constant ache in my heart from missing Shawn more than I have ever missed anyone or anything in my life before. This is the ache that I'm not ever sure will totally ever go away. I went to bed on Friday night thinking about Shawn and the baby...thinking about what our life was like, what should have been, and about where I am today. I didn't cry or get all weepy. I was just thinking about everything that has changed in the last 8 months and how drastically different my life is now, than what it was then. I was married to a great man, had a really nice apartment, had a good job, had just found out I was pregnant, and most importantly Shawn and I were happy. Then WHAM....in a blink of an eye EVERYTHING and I mean everything changed. I was no longer married to a great guy...I was a widow of a great guy, I didn't have a job, moved back in with my parents, left my friends, and then lost our baby. In the few months after Shawn died I really didn't know how my life could get much worse. I mean how could it? The months of August-October I hardly left my house, I hated going to town, I hated doing just about anything. In November I started to pull myself out of the "funk" and started doing more things. By the time Christmas rolled around I was starting to realize that Shawn would not want me living like this. He would want me to be happy and to start living again.

It was a difficult decision for me to make, but I knew laying around and feeling sorry for myself wasn't going to make things any better for me or for my future. So with the strength that I got from Shawn, my family, and friends I started to pull myself together. I would say that things are going "well" right now and that I'm the right track to figuring things out. Please don't get me wrong...I still HATE that this all had to happen to me! I still don't understand why and I really try not to think about that because it makes me crazy feeling. I still have my days where I hate seeing "happy" couples, or a "glowing" pregnant person, but those days are happen fewer than what they did. I still miss Shawn more than anything and I think about him all of the time, I still have nights where I cry myself to sleep. However, I'm also just now starting to look forward to my future and what it has in store for me. I'm coming to terms with the story of my life and the chapters that I have left to live. Is it the story that I wanted and that I thought I was living 8 months ago...No!...it is drastically different, but it is still me and my story, and my life to live. I have made the choice to try and be happy, to live my life, and to move forward to what is yet to happen in my life. Who knows...maybe my story will still have a happy ending...only time will tell. For now I'm taking it one day at a time and hoping and praying for the best. Remember my friend Sarah? Well her new CD "The Long October Road" is being released at the end of May. Well on that CD there is a song called "Breath In, Breath Out" and that my friends is what I have been trying to do all along, breath in, breath out and take it one day at a time.

Even though Saturday was the 8 month mark, I did have a wonderful day. Here in Youngstown it was a beautiful and very sunny day, with a temperature in the high 70's. A great day for a wedding wouldn't you think? Well that is what I did...I went to a wedding. "T" had invited me to his cousin's wedding a few months ago and I accepted his invitation. I don't get dressed up too often, I'm more of a jeans and T-shirt kinda gal, however I found the cutest sun dress to wear. Everyone told me I looked great and for the first time in a long while, I felt great as well. I was a little hesitant at first to go to a wedding just because I wasn't sure how the crazy emotions of grief would effect me and I didn't want to go to the wedding and be overcome by emotions and end up in a puddle of tears. However, I'm so glad that I went! "T" looked great in his dress shirt, pants and jacket, and we did have a really good time. Much to my surprise, I handled my "grief" emotions really well. I'm a sucker for a wedding anyways, but the only time I got a little teary was during the ceremony when the couple was saying their vows...I must admit the tears filled my eyes when the both said "to death us do part?" Tears didn't fall down my face or anything like that, they just kind of pulled in my eyes. Then I thought to myself that I really do hope that the young newly married couple standing in front of me would be happy together and would live to be old and gray with each other. After the ceremony "T", myself and his family went back to his house and hung out until the reception was to start. Although we didn't dance (neither "T" or I dance) we did have a good time at the reception. I was introduced to so many different family members, I don't know if I will ever be able to keep them all straight. After the reception I went back to "Ts" house for a few hours and we just hung out with his sister and brother in law. It was a great day, and I really did have a good time. "T" if you are reading this...thank you for inviting me, and I did have a really good day and night.

Sunday marked yet another milestone. That of my due date. Again,hard to believe that all this time has gone by and that I should have either had our baby or just about to. Sunday was a day spent with Jennie and her family. I got up in the morning and told her about the wedding, then we quick cleaned her house and got ready to go to "T's" nephew's first birthday party. (Have I told you before that "T" and Jennie are cousins? Anyways, the party was fun, and we all had a good time laughing and messing around. After the party Jennie and I came home and dropped off her three boys then the two of us headed to a place in Youngstown called Mill Creek Park. Even though I have lived in Youngstown for three years, I had never been to the park. Jennie wanted to take me there and show me around. While in the park Jennie and I walked the trails and talked about life. Before we left the park Jennie wanted to show me a small waterfall and mill that was in the park. She took me to Lanterman's Mill. Once there Jennie showed me this waterfall. Jennie told me she wanted to come here on this day because it is where the old meets the new. We sat on the lookout above the waterfall for some time just listening to the sound of the falls. Then Jennie shared some things with me about how she thinks the waterfall represents my life, what I have gone through. I'm not going to share our entire conversation with you because it was a moment just between the two of us, and to be honest typing it wouldn't do the conversation justice and I don't think I could do it without crying again! What I will tell you though, is how grateful I am to have Jennie as one of my best friends. Jennie has been a huge rock for me. More times than not she gets the teary, snotty phone calls when I'm having a bad day. I have three best friends, and I'm so happy that Jennie is one of them. I could have NEVER of gotten through the last 8 months without her, Lora and Megan. They have all been there for me countless times and I love them all so much. Jennie, if you are reading this thank you so much for thinking of me and for taking me to the park, it was great and I really don't think I will ever again look at a waterfall in the same way. I love ya!

So there you have it my weekend. I will be leaving for Michigan in the morning and I will update with lots of pictures of my trip when I get back. Thanks for reading and thank you for all of the kind and sweet comments the last few weeks. As always I greatly appreciate them.