A Fading Voice

It has been a a long time since I have had a dream about Shawn. Usually when I dream about Shawn I wake up feeling good. I think I feel good when I wake up because many of the dreams I have had about Shawn feel like he is visiting me. In my dreams I get to talk to him, touch him, see him, and hear is voice. Some where in my dream Shawn usually tells me in some sort of way that he thinks I'm doing well and he will tell me that things will be ok and that he believes in me. Oh how I wish he was able to tell me those words once again. I always believed Shawn when he would tell me that when he was alive.

When I have this type of dream I really wake up feeling like I have spent some time with him and that makes me feel great in one way and horrible in another. Those dreams make me feel good because I am grateful that I got to see Shawn and spend some time with him. On the other hand it makes me feel totally horrible inside and out because I wake up realizing that it was just a dream and I still wake up alone in our bed without him by my side and that is a truly horrible empty feeling. I have had 3 or 4 of these type of dreams about Shawn since he has died. I think I have shared at least one of them with you. However one of the nights I was in Youngstown I did have a dream about Shawn and it wasn't the kind of dream where I woke up grateful because I felt like I had a visit with him. Instead I woke up with a horrible empty feeling and it was very unsettling for me. The night I had this dream I even woke up in the middle of the night after the dream was over. I woke up crying...yes I woke up in the middle of the night with actual tears coming out of my eyes. After that I just sat there for a little while and tried to think of some good memories of Shawn and I. When I woke up again in the morning I was still a bit shaken from the dream but I was ok.

I hadn't really thought much about the dream until last night. Once a week I meet with 3 other women who have lost their husbands as well. We all live in the same town and all of our husbands died with in one month of each other. We get together to talk about what we are each going through and to lend support to each other because we all know what the others are feeling. Anyways last night we were eating dinner and one of the lady's shared with us a dream that she had about her husband. Her dream was kind of the same as mine where she woke up feeling unsettled about the dream. This was the first time I had really thought about the dream I had since I had it. I shared my dream with the girls and then drove home thinking about why I had this type of dream instead of the "happy" dreams.

I remembered that as I was falling asleep the night of my dream I was thinking about Shawn's voice. As I was laying in my bed I was thinking about the sound of his voice and about how deep it was but yet soft at the same time. I also tried to remember the sound of his voice when he would say my name. Even though I remember the sound of him saying my name I started to realize that I was having a difficult time trying to remember the sound of Shawn's voice in other situations. I remember his voice but at the same time it is starting to fade a little and I remember laying in my bed hating that feeling. Hating the feeling that I'm starting to forget the sound of my husband's voice and it has only been 7 1/2 months since he has died. How horrible is that...I'm starting to forget?! I remember everything else about him but for some reason his voice is fading from my mind and I hate that and I don't know why. Before actually falling asleep I did try to have a few good thoughts about Shawn but I think the thoughts I had about his voice is what prompted my dream.

In my dream I was at my friend Jennie's house. Jennie was having a party at her house so there were tons of people there and a few of the coach's were there as well. We were all having a great time playing games and playing with the Wii, and just laughing and having a great time. All of a sudden the doorbell rang. I remember looking around like it was a weird thing for the doorbell to ring. (at Jennie's house everyone just walks in) I don't even remember who answered the door but someone did. I remember I was in the kitchen getting something to eat. Then I heard Jennie say "Oh my God I can't believe that you came to the party." After she said that I walked out of the kitchen and saw Shawn. Well at first I saw him. He was standing right in front of me. I remember I was totally taken back that I was looking at Shawn. Then I ran to him to give him a hug and he was gone. Gone all besides his voice. It was like he was there at the party with us but he was invisible at the same time. The only thing that was there was Shawn's voice. I remember every time I went to go to Shawn the voice would get farther away from me. It was like I was reaching out grasping for something but it was being pulled away from me at the same time. I could see it and hear it but couldn't get to it. I remember at one point stretching my arms out to get to Shawn's voice. Then all of a sudden in my dream I heard Shawn's voice say "I love you" and I remember thinking that was good enough for me. I just needed to hear those words in his voice. It was great that I got to hear those words but awful at the same time that I couldn't reach where they were coming from. It was like I had it and it was getting taken away from me at the same time.

I don't know why I had this dream. But it really kind of shook me for a while. I don't know if I had this dream because I was thinking about the sound of his voice before falling asleep. I don't know if this dream was put in my mind to have me remember the sound of Shawn's voice. I really don't know. I did like being able to hear his voice one more time, but I HATED the feeling of not being able to get to Shawn. I HATED that every time I would go towards the voice it would get further away from me. I just don't know.

When I woke up in the middle of the night after my dream I tried to think if I had anything that had Shawn's voice on it. I don't! I have no voice mails of him, I really have nothing. The only thing I have with Shawn's voice on it is our wedding video. I am by no means ready to watch that...I don't think that I can do that just yet.

I think more than anything this dream means that I miss Shawn....I miss his touch...I miss his voice....I miss him!