My Mind is Officially Gone

I have always been the type of person who is a little ADD like. My mom used to tell me when I was a teenager that I would forget my head if it wasn't attached to my body. I have always been the person who goes to leave and returns to the house at least once to get something that I had forgotten. As I got older and after I got married I started making lists of things that needed to be done. Not so much because I would forget something, but because it wasn't just "me" anymore, I had things that needed to be done for Shawn as well. The lists helped me keep track of things and I would check things off of as I went. I liked the idea of checking something off because it made me feel as though I had accomplished something. Life was simple then, I was happy, we were happy, things were going along great with my list making. That was life before Shawn died and life before grief took control of my mind.

As I have said before, I am doing "well" I have more good days than bad and I'm starting to look forward to life once again. For the most part I'm over the constant state of "fog" I was in for the first few months after Shawn died and I lost our baby. I can honestly tell you that while I remember all of Shawn's death, there is a lot of September-November that I really don't remember. However things are getting better now but I'm still going through A LOT and there isn't one hour of one day that doesn't go by when I don't think about Shawn, my old life, or my life as it stands now. This is where the grief comes into play and the state of constant thinking that I often find myself in.


There have been many, many times during the last 8 months where I have been talking to somebody and while I'm listening to them, I have no idea what they are saying. I guess I hear them, but I don't comprehend everything that they are saying. (to my friends reading this don't think I don't listen to you because I do) I've had times where somebody will ask me to do something, I say ok and then completely forget what they have asked me to do. I have been told by other widows that they have experienced the same thing. That they want to get back to thinking "normally" again. It kind of feels like my brain is fuzzy at times. My friend Sarah's husband has been gone for 18 months and she has told me that she still has troubles with remembering things. She has told me that "losing your mind" is part of the grief process. This is the part that nobody tells you about. I really think it's because I have a very short attention span for things now and I'm trying so hard to take everything all in and to come to terms with everything while at the same time trying to figure out my future, that sometimes it just gets to be too much for my little brain and I do stupid things. I thought that this post I would share with you some of the silly things I have done over the last 8 months.

*In February I had to take Sarah's daughter to the doctor. It was really cold out that day so I went out to start my car so it would warm up. I came back in, put Bo in his cage and brushed my teeth. I looked at the clock and realized it was time to leave. I went to the stand where I put my keys and they were gone. I couldn't find them anywhere. I went up to my room and looked there not finding them, all the while time was ticking away on the clock. I thought to myself don't panic and just take Shawn's keys and use those. However, I couldn't remember what unpacked box those were in. My bedroom overlooks the driveway and while I was ripping my room apart looking for my keys I heard a car running. I remember thinking who could possibly be here at 9:00 in the morning. So I went to my window to look. Only to find that it was my car running in the driveway. Remember....I had started my car about thirty minutes before!!! I have never felt so dumb in my entire life!!

*A while back I was talking to my mom. Apparently she had asked me to do something and I had told her us. I remember leaving to go to the store and when I got back my mom asked me if I had gotten her what she needed. I looked at her and told her "No, you didn't ask me to get that." She looked at me and said, "Jen, I asked you about 2 hours ago and you said that you would get it for me" Uhh...who knew.

*About three weeks ago I was getting ready to leave and run into town for a while. As usual I was on my cell phone talking to my friend Lora. I remember looking in my purse to make sure my cell phone was there, and it wasn't. I went up to my room thinking I left it on my bed. Obviously it wasn't there either. Just as I was starting to get a little pissed because I couldn't find my phone, I realized that it was in my hand and I was talking on it! Can we say DUH!!!!

*Right after I had lost all of my weight I was at the mall shopping alone and trying on clothes. Without even looking at the sign I walked right into the Men's dressing room at Target. OOPS!

*Yesterday I had to go to the Secretary of State to get the plates for my new car. When you walk in you walk into a little cube like area then straight in front is the exit door and off to the right is the door that you are supposed to walk into the actual waiting area. Well again, I didn't read the sign on the door because I had about a bazillion thoughts in my mind. Yup you guessed it I walked straight into the glass door with the words EXIT on the glass. Only to turn around walk in the correct door and see two dumb ass kids about 17 laughing their asses off at me. I looked at them and said "stop laughing at me...it's been a hard few months"

*This one made me laugh out loud and it again happened just last night. I was talking to "T" on facebook. I told him I was hungry and I would be back. I wanted to put some toast into the toaster. I got the bread out and put it in the toaster (or so I thought) I then went back to the computer and talked to "T" some more. After a few minutes I could have sworn I was smelling my yummy toast toasting away. I once again left the computer to go and butter my toast. Only to find that the toast wasn't toasted at all because I had taken it out of the bag, but set it on top of the toaster. Nope...I hadn't even put the bread in the slots, just placed the two pieces on top of the toaster! I mean come on who does that? I really have no idea what I was smelling, but it was most definitely not my toast toasting away.

So there you have it. Just think, these are only a few of the silly things that I have done in the last 8 months since I have been living with grief. I can't wait for better more normal times, so I will stop doing such dumb things.