Sometimes It's the Small Things

Eight months and one week later it is the small things that hurts my heart and takes my breath away for a brief few seconds and makes me miss Shawn more than ever!

I woke up early today and in a great mood. It was going to be a beautiful day and I knew I was going to be spending the afternoon with an old friend laying in the sun and catching up. (she was in my wedding and 6 months later I was in hers, then we lost touch, but have since started talking once again) As I woke up this morning I was very much looking forward to my day. I got up and got ready and woke Bo up as well. He was a sleepy little puppy this morning. I was going to be dropping him off at Puppy Camp today since I was going to be gone most of the day. Yes...I said Puppy Camp! I know you are all probably laughing hysterically at me right now but my 'perfect" little Bo needs some extra training and he loves to play with other dogs. So I figured what the heck, I would drop him off for the day and see what happens. By the way, when I left he cried for me and ran to the door after me. It was about the worst thing ever and I darn near had tears in my eyes for leaving him and even felt a twinge of guilt for dropping him off to go lay in the sun with a friend. (Am I a bad puppy mommy?) I will go back to pick him up around 5:00. Are you all done laughing yet?

Anyways, after I dropped Bo off I decided to hit Target for a few minutes. I was browsing around looking at this and that. Then I decided to walk over by the shoes and see if they had anything cute (like I even need another pair of shoes) As I neared the shoe aisle I saw a big sale sign for men's Levi's blue jean shorts. The exact shorts that Shawn would always wear during the summer. For just a second I thought to myself..."man, that is a good deal. You should buy a few pairs for Shawn, he needs knew shorts this summer" Then just as quick as the thought entered my mind, reality reached up and slapped me in the face and I knew I wouldn't be buying any type of shorts for Shawn this summer because he is no longer with me on earth. Instead of standing in Target buying shorts for my husband, I was reminded of the fact that I was standing in the middle of Target as Shawn's widow not needing to buy him anything. I didn't break down and cry or anything like that. All I did was stand there for a minute or so and look at the rack of shorts. At first I kind of started to get a little bit mad. Then I stood there thinking that even though I know I'm doing "well" and I am really starting to look forward to what new will be happening to me, I still miss what was. I stood there thinking, that even though I'm trying to move on with my life I still HATE what happened to me and I HATE the fact that Shawn had to die. I thought about how great it was being Shawn's wife and how great our relationship was and I thought about how much I miss him, his smell, his voice, his touch and having his arms around me. When I saw the rack of shorts it took my breath away for a few seconds, and that hasn't happened in quite a while. I also noticed that as I was standing there "thinking" my heart was hurting. Not like chest pain or anything like that, but an actual physical ache from missing Shawn. I have talked about this ache before and I often wonder if it will ever go away. I feel it everyday, some days it is very noticeable and other days not so much at all. I wonder as time goes on and as I find happiness once again if I will still feel the ache. I almost believe that a little bit of it will always be there regardless of what happens in my future. After a minute or so I walked away from the shorts and went on my way in Target getting what I needed to get. I was 'ok' and I knew that I would be "good" as the rest of the day went on.

As I was getting in my car to leave Target our wedding song was blaring on my radio. Are you kidding me? Again, this didn't make me cry, it just made me kind of laugh and remember our wedding and all the fun that we had while we were together. I was driving down the road thinking about Shawn, my life and my future when a truck pulled out in front of me. I looked at the truck and realized it was a company truck of a lawn care company that Shawn worked for the summer we started dating. Again really? How many small things can pop up in one day?

Maybe things things appeared today because I needed to be reminded of the good times we had. I really don't know. That is all great and I can finally smile without breaking down and crying now when thinking of the good times we had. Well most of the time I can do this. I like remembering our good times, but at the same time it still leaves me with a big empty void in my heart. It still hurts my heart, takes my breath away, gives me anxiety and makes me wish that it wasn't "me" having to go through all of this and the many different emotions I can feel on any given day. However, I know to "completely heal" (if there is even such a thing) I need to be able to feel all of these things and emotions, so as things happen I try to roll with the punches and deal with them. As I sit here and type it just makes me feel kind of grateful for the small things in my life that make me think of Shawn. The three small things that happened today, while they made me miss Shawn more than ever and wish that he was still here with me, they still made me remember good times as well and being able to remember those times brings a smile to my face. I love and will always love Shawn and our life we had with each other and when I see or hear something that reminds me of Shawn, while it hurts, I'm still grateful for that.

It is now almost 1:30, I have a few things to put away and then I'm off to meet Kim. If the sun appears we will be sitting by the pool drinking Pina Colada's and catching up. If there is no sun...well then we will still be drinking Pina Colada's and catching up. Oh...and don't worry, I won't forget about Bo, I will be picking him up around 5:30 or so and I will let you all know how he did at his first day at Puppy Camp.

I miss you Shawn, but thank you for the "small things" today!