I Cracked A Little

I took a bunch of pictures of Bo this weekend and today's post was originally going to be all about him and what he has been up to. However, life kind of smacked me in the face this weekend and I wanted to write about that instead. I have talked about so many of my feelings and emotions on this blog and through that I have gotten so much therapy out of writing. It feels good to get my thoughts and feelings out on "paper". I have also decided that if I'm going to be honest with the people reading my blog I need to write about the ups in my life as they happen, as well as the downs. Well my friends, this weekend hit a big down for me. It has been some time since I have had a night like last night. So if you all don't mind, I thought I'd share about my weekend today and write about Bo in a day or so.

Friday was a good day. It ended up being sunny and warm so I spent the afternoon at my friend Kim's house. We talked and caught up with each other sitting in her hot tub all while enjoying the nice weather...oh and a few Pina Colada's! Around 5:30 we left to go get Kim's baby from daycare and to pick up Bo from his first day at Puppy Camp. By the way he loved it! But more on that in a few days. After picking the "boys" up we went back to Kim's house and had a quick dinner. By 7:00 I was back at my parents house with really nothing to do. My mom and I took Bo out for a nice long walk and by 8:00 I was in my p.j's watching House Hunters (love that show) with my mom. It was actually a nice way to end a really good day.

Saturday my Mom, sister and I got up in the morning and went shopping at Old Navy. They were having great sales and I got a lot of nice clothes to wear this summer. Well if it ever stops raining here in Michigan and decides to warm up I will have nice cute clothes. After we got back from our shopping trip I decided I would go and visit a person I hadn't seen since Christmas time. This is when my weekend starts to go down hill. (At this point I'm not saying who I visited...it's a small world and I never know for sure who is reading this) Anyways the visit was going great until I heard the words..."Well the baby will be due right around Shawn's birthday" Insert knife in my heart right about here. I had NO idea that this person was pregnant...again and it came as a big shock to me. I instantly got angry and had tears in my eyes. I know this is a horrible and very selfish thing I'm about to say but I'm going to say it anyways, because it's what I'm feeling. I don't want this baby to be born on Shawn's birthday!! That was and will always be his day and I don't want people to forget that by another baby being born on what should have been his 33 birthday! I know it is a truly awful and horrible thing to even say, but I can't help it. I talked with this person for a while longer and then decided I needed to leave because I just couldn't hear any more about this, at this point I had the constant lump in the back of my throat.

I drove home having a complete out loud tear filled conversation with God. I told him I didn't understand why he would let this person be pregnant again. They are ok parents, but not great parents. Neither of them have jobs and so on and so on. I guess that's really not the point. I found myself telling God that life isn't fair and that I didn't and still don't understand how he "works" things. I told him I didn't understand why he would allow these two people to have yet another baby, when he wouldn't let me have the one that Shawn and I wanted and would have loved with all of our hearts. I told him I was mad at him for taking Shawn away from me and then for taking our baby as well. (Our baby should have been 1 week old on Saturday) I wanted our baby to love and take care of and help to grow into an adult, but I also wanted this baby because it was the last really good thing that Shawn and I did as "US", I wanted our baby to remind me of it's Daddy every time I looked into it's little face. I found myself asking God..."Why?" Why would you let these people have another baby and not let me have one! I just didn't and still don't understand why some things are allowed and not allowed to happen in life. I'm 100% sure, I will never really find out the answer either.

For the rest of the night I was in a funk. I sat at home once again watching TV and reading my book. All of that was nice and relaxing after being gone all day, but at the same time it just reminded me of what was missing in my life and what I no longer had and had wanted so desperately. I didn't want to be sitting on my parent's couch reading my book or watching TV up in my room. I wanted to be sitting on my couch with my husband and our baby...living our life as a new family. As Saturday night went on I couldn't help but feel sorry for myself and I hate when I get to feeling like that. However, the life I had dreamed of for so long was so so very far away from me at that moment and that hurt and stung like it hasn't in a long time. As I was getting around for bed I started to get mad feeling once again. This time I was getting mad at Shawn. I can honestly tell you that I have NEVER in the 8 months that Shawn has been gone been mad at him for leaving me, not even for one little second until Saturday night while I was brushing my teeth. I don't even know why I was mad at him. I know it wasn't his fault, I know he didn't want to leave me and I know that he wanted me to have our baby, but for some reason I was getting mad at him. As I was laying in bed curled up with one of Shawn's old shirts I realized I was getting mad at him and I realized I didn't like that. I felt horrible being mad at him. In a way I felt as though I was letting Shawn down as his wife by being mad at him. I was thinking to myself..."you can't be mad at Shawn, he would have never ever left you in a hundred years unless it was something way out of his control" So almost as quickly as it came I was no longer mad at Shawn. I was still angry however...angry at God. I still didn't understand why he had to make Shawn die. Why does my life have to be so drastic from what it was? I loved my life and to be honest was very happy. I didn't ask for this to happen to me...I didn't ask for a new life. I eventually fell asleep with happy thoughts of Shawn so that was good and made me smile.

On Sunday I went to church in the morning, but I must admit it was somewhat hard for me to walk into the sanctuary on Sunday. I was thinking "if you are so mad at God right now then why the hell are you here?" And again to be honest I really don't know why I went. I just had something inside of me telling me I needed to be there. I didn't really listen to the message on Sunday. Instead I sat there in the church and just kind of asked God to make things "right" again for me. Selfish I know, but it's what I did. I know I still have a lot of things to go through with losing Shawn and I know I will go through all of them. However, I still silently asked God to make all of this bad stuff turn back into something good one day down the road. I really am doing "well" and I rarely have bad days like this, but at the same time I wanted God to know that I want to be happy again, one day I want the hurt to go away and to feel true love and happiness again. I'm not sure if in the middle of the message was the appropriate time to be asking for these things, but that is what I did.

After church I did the usual Sunday grocery shopping with my mom and sister. It had been raining for the last two day so everything was soaked and I was in desperate need of some sunshine. As we were shopping I could kind of feel myself getting a little moody. Still sometimes when I get around a lot of people I get anxious feeling for some reason. I think it's because I sometimes wonder who I will run into and who I will have to explain things to when I'm out in town. Anyways we got home from the store and we ate dinner and I played with Bo. He was so crazy with not being able to go outside for the last 2 days he was bouncing off the walls. Later Sunday night I was on the computer and there was a little "incident" with Bo. It was really no big deal, but I think I totally took it the wrong way. Needless to say Bo and I went for a nice long walk Sunday night in the rain. As we were walking I could feel the tears a comin. I didn't want to cry because I didn't want everyone at home to see me crying. (I don't know why but I HATE crying in front of my family and certain other people) As I was walking I started talking to Shawn. I asked him to please help me out, I was missing him so much at that moment and all I wanted was to have him back. I needed him so much right then and I just wanted him plain and simple. I wanted him back!! I told him I needed him to help me to be strong once again. Once Bo and I got home is when the tears really started to flow.

We got back home and I was trying to take Bo's walking collar off of him. Well he didn't want me to take his collar off and was starting to get a little mean and running away from me. I tried everything but he just thought it was a game. Needless to say after about 10 minutes of this I was sitting in the middle of the kitchen floor bawling my eyes out. For whatever reason it was just too much and I had had it! I was done for. That was at 9:00 and I think I cried all the way up until I woke up this morning and then some.

I went up to my room rather early last night because I just needed some alone time. I called and talked to Sarah for a little while and she really did make me feel better. She gets it...she knows exactly how this whole thing feels. She knows the emptiness you feel when you are a young widow. She knows how your heart hurts...one minute you are fine and the next a blubbering snotty mess. So I talked with her for a while, she told me it was ok to feel these things, to be upset about the baby, to be mad at Shawn and she told me it was even ok for me to be mad at God. We talked for a while more, then she prayed for me and told me that even though I was having a difficult day, I was doing really really well for it only being a little over eight months. She also told me that one day I too will be happy again like she is with Practise and she told me not to give up hope and she told me to cry it out because that is the one thing that will make you feel better.

After getting off the phone with Sarah I crawled into my big bed. I got Shawn's t-shirt (the one from the day before he died) out of my pillow case and I cried like I haven't cried since the day after he died. It wasn't the type of cry where there are just a few tears. It wasn't the type of cry where they just keep streaming down your face. No this was the type of cry that I have never experienced before in my life until Shawn died. It was the type of cry where your whole body shakes as you cry, the type where you can hardly catch your breath and your insides hurt, the type where there are so many tears your pillow is soaking wet. That is the type of crying I did last night while falling asleep. Sarah calls it weeping, not crying. Whatever you want to call it, it sucks and I hate it. I know there are times when I need to cry like that, but at the same time I hate it. Crying like that wears me out and makes me so tired the next day. I have really only cried like that two or three times since Shawn has died so maybe last night was just about time again. Maybe I just needed to get it all out again. The entire time I was crying though, sweet little Bo was curled right up next to me. The last few weeks he has been sleeping by my feet. He started out there last night but as I began to cry harder and harder he moved up near my face, licked my tears and snuggled in right next to my neck.

Today I was better when I woke up. However, I did look like someone kicked the shit out of me...puffy swollen eyes and make-up smeared all over my face. I was doing good until I went to the dentist office for my cracked tooth. I hadn't been to this dentist in several years so I had a bunch of paperwork to fill out. I had to fill out the usual name, birth date, ssnumber and so on. Then I saw it the question that asked if you were...married, single, divorced, separated, or widowed. Are you kidding me just when I was starting to perk up I had to be reminded yet again that Shawn is dead and I'm a widow. I checked the damn box and finished filling out the form. Then at the bottom there was a question asking who to contact in case of an emergency. Once again, this is where I should be putting my husband's name...not the name of my parents. (although I'm blessed and grateful that they are here for me) Then the form asked for my medical history. You guessed it any surgeries within the last year. So I had to give the date of my D&C. Too much again...I was sitting in the waiting room with eyes full of tears. I composed myself rather quickly but thought to myself, "Ok this is enough for one 72 hour period"

So there you have it the weekend where I cracked a little. Don't worry about me...I have picked myself up and have put myself back together again and tonight I'm doing well again. I'm not even sure why all of the above effected me like it did. Maybe it's because I miss my friends, coach's and "T", maybe it was PMS, maybe the crappy weather or just maybe it was because I needed to have a day like this. No one thing was anything MAJOR to set me off but I think it was just a lot of little things all at once that for some reason was just too much for me to deal with last night making me crack. The one thing I have learned in the last eight months is that no matter how small something appears to be it can still make me cry. In turn every time this happens it makes me think of Shawn and want him back more than ever. It all goes back to Shawn. As I've said before I really am doing well and I don't have many days like this but when I do they are usually bad. However, I also try to learn from these days as well. I tell myself that it only has been eight months and it is still ok to feel these things. I also try to remember Shawn and remember the strength that he gave me to help me through for the next time. It's also kind of funny as well because my bad days is usually when I end up remembering all of the good times that Shawn and I shared. I remember our life and the way we loved each other and I remember so much about who Shawn was as a man. I also try to tell myself that I need to have these days, I have to allow myself to feel all of these things and emotions, because if I don't then I won't really ever heal. (that's not to say that I will ever get over Shawn or loving him) These are things I must feel and must do as I climb to the top of the grief mountain. One day I will see the other side of the mountain and will be happy again.

I love ya Shawn!