If Tomorrow Never Comes

This weekend I was catching up on some blog reading. I went to read my blogging friend Kristin's blog http://toddandkristin.blogspot.com/ Well, Kristin wanted to share this poem that she had with her blog readers. I read the poem and as I was reading it tears streamed down my face. While I was reading the poem I couldn't help but think how true the words were. After I was done crying I emailed Kristin and asked her if I could borrow this and post it on my blog. I knew the words touched me and thought they may touch some of you as well, especially those of you who have experienced any type of loss.

If Tomorrow Starts without Me

If tomorrow starts without me,
And I'm not here to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
All filled with tears for me;

I wish so much you wouldn't cry
The way you did today,
While thinking of the many things,
We didn't get to say.


I know how much you love me,
As much as I love you,
And each time that you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too;

But when tomorrow starts without me,
Please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name,
And took me by the hand,

And said my place was ready,
In heaven far above,
And that I'd have to leave behind
All those I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away,
A tear fell from my eye,
For all my life, I'd always thought,
I didn't want to die.

I had so much to live for,
So much left yet to do,
It seemed almost impossible,
That I was leaving you.

I thought of all the yesterdays,
The good ones and the bad,
I thought of all that we shared,
And all the fun we had.


If I could relive yesterday,
Just even for a while,
I'd say good-bye and kiss you
And maybe see you smile.


But then I fully realized,
That this could never be,
For emptiness and memories,
Would take the place of me.


And when I thought of worldly things,
I might miss some tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did,
My heart was filled with sorrow.


But when I walked through heaven's gates,
I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me,
From His great golden throne,


He said, "This is eternity,
And all I've promised you."
Today your life on earth is past,
But here life starts anew.


I promise no tomorrow,
But today will always last,
And since each day is the same way,
There's no longing for the past.


So when tomorrow starts without me,
Don't think we're far apart,
For every time you think of me,
I'm right here, in your heart "


Author Unknown

Even now as I'm reading this checking for typos, I have tears in my eyes. The words in this poem are so raw and true. When I read this poem I can't help but think of Shawn. So much of it sounds like something Shawn would say to me.

Even though I cry for him often, I know he wouldn't want me to cry as hard as I have. Shawn always hated when I cried, he said it made him feel bad that I was crying because he couldn't take my hurt away from me. I hurt now from missing him so much and the only thing I can do it to remember the good times that we had.

We would always joke around with each other when it came to saying we loved each other. One of us would always say "I love you more". We knew we both loved each other more than life itself, it was just a little form of silly satisfaction when one of us said "more" first. Just for the record, he usually beat me to it.

I haven't thought of this as much lately, but in the few weeks after Shawn died I couldn't help think of why. Why didn't Shawn fight harder to come back to me, to us, and to our baby. Why when he loved living so much didn't he fight harder? We finally had so many good things going for us. I couldn't understand why he had to go and why he just couldn't fight a little harder. Now that almost 8 months has passed I know it wasn't Shawn. I know he didn't want to leave me, I know Shawn didn't want to die, he loved me and our life more than anything. I know now that God had another plan for him, and for me, for us, and that it really was the angel's coming to get him...he wasn't leaving me. I also know that Shawn would have never ever in a million years of left me unless it was for something much more important that I. I however am still trying to figure out what that is, and that is what I ask why for.

I also know that if Shawn could come back to me or if we could get a chance to relive a moment of our life, I know he would do two things. One kiss me and two make me smile. He may also tell me that I'm doing well and that he is proud of me. He loved when I smiled and he loved making me smile. But how I know Shawn, I know he knows that coming back or reliving yesterday together isn't possible. He is in a much better place than I am. Shawn knows that every day I think of our life together and I think of the good times that the two of us shared. I'm now getting to the point where I can think about these times with a smile on my face. Well most of the time there is a smile, I still have lots and lots of tears when I think of him. However, those are selfish tears. Those are tears that miss him and that want him back. Those are tears that can't help but think what would have been. What our life would be like right now, two weeks from having what would have been our first baby. Oh how I wonder?!

Although, Shawn wasn't a very religious person I know he is happy in Heaven. He was more of a spiritual person instead of religious. I know when he got to Heaven he was happy to be there, even though he wasn't with me. I know he was happy to get to start a new life all over again, for he always told me if he could get the chance he would do so many things differently. He did get the chance to start a new life where each day is the same...no pain...no forgetting...no worries...no wondering "what if"...no longing for the past. How great would it be to live like that?

So after reading this wonderful poem I am reminded of one thing and that is this... When each of my tomorrow's starts without Shawn, I'm going to try not to think about how I miss him and about how much I want him back with me. Instead as hard as it is going to be I'm going to start each of my tomorrow's remembering the good times the two of us shared, and I know that every time I think of Shawn he is here with me, here in my heart with me all of the time.

I love you Shawn and I always will!! and just so that you know...I love you more!! and when I get to Heaven, whenever that will be, your arms will be the first arms that I jump right into.

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I would also like to encourage all of you who read my blog to go over to Angie Smith's blog. http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/ Today is Audrey's birthday. One year ago today Angie and Todd met and lost their sweet little daughter. I'm sure the Smith family would appreciate any extra prayers and thoughful words on this very difficult day.