It's Been 14 Months and Getting "Easier"

Today is the 18th of the month, I don't know if I will ever be able to look at the 18th of a month and not count off a month or year in my head. August 18th marked one year, the 18th of last month marked 13 months, today marks 14 months since Shawn has passed away and Dec 18 will mark 16 months. It just keeps on going, I don't know if I will ever get to the point where I don't think of what the 18th of each month means to me.

Even though today marks 14 months since Shawn has passed away, I have to say things are starting to get a bit easier. I got through the "magical" first year. All of my "firsts" are over and in just two weeks I will be starting all of my seconds without Shawn. First is my birthday, then two weeks later his, then Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years. I'm still not looking forward to any of these things, especially Thanksgiving and Christmas (actually, I would like to skip over them both again this year), but things are getting easier. Just because it's getting easier doesn't mean that it no longer hurts, because trust me when I say it does. I still have that piece of my heart missing, my heart still aches for Shawn and I for sure still have off/hard days, but things are getting easier.

The last few months I have fallen into a new schedule. I'm no longer sitting in front of the TV all day long watching What Not to Wear. I'm gone a lot. I go to the gym and work out five days a week. I'm probably in the best shape of my life right now, other than right before I got married. A few months ago I picked up a part time job watching a four year old and two year old. I watch them two days a week. It was the perfect thing to get me back into the swing of working. The last several weeks I've been thinking it's now time to start working again. So last week I had an interview at a local floral shop. I thought it would be a fun job, taking orders, working on flower arrangements, and working in their gift shop. Hopefully, I will find out by the end of this week if I got the job or not. I'm looking at other option in case the flower shop falls through. I'm also thinking seriously about going back to school this winter. If not in the winter then for sure next summer or fall. I'm thinking of going to school for two different things, I just can't make up my mind for sure what one I want do do yet. (I will clue you into those two ideas in another post) Going back to work and getting into a schedule are pretty big things considering I really haven't done much of that for the last year. Things are getting easier.


When I first moved home I didn't do anything with anyone. On the rare occasion if I went someplace I would go with my mom or sister. I didn't want to be around lots of people because it was too hard to see all those "happy couples". It was too hard to see girls I went to high school with walking around wearing their wedding rings on their finger, while I had just taken mine off. Now however, I'm hardly ever home. I go back and forth to Ohio every few months. The last several months I have also started making some great friends here as well. A few times a month I go out with the other ladies in my "support group" We will go out to eat and go to a movie, or find something else to do around our town. A great "old friend" has also entered back into my life the last several months as well. Kim and I met in our Junior year in high school and we instantly became best friends. Kim was in my wedding and six months later I was in her wedding. After that we lost touch and didn't talk to let alone see each other. However, through my blog Kim and I were reunited this spring and we have been hanging out ever since. It is so great to have an old friend back in my life. Kim is trying her hardest to get me back into the dating game as well. Something I'm excited about but nervous at the same time. (Dating...that is a whole other post that will be coming soon!) Kim and her husband are having an awesome Halloween party this weekend and I will be going. Not only is it a Halloween party, but it is a costume party as well. I haven't dressed up for Halloween since I was about 10 years old. For all you wondering I will be dressing up! Kim and I went shopping earlier this week for our costumes. I'm not going to tell you what my costume is until after the party when I do my Halloween post. I'm going to keep you all in suspense until then. However, I will tell you my costume in NOTHING any of you would ever think of me being! I'm thinking you will be shocked when you see the pictures. It's so great to be going out and having fun once again, especially with the greatest friends ever. Things are getting easier.

Ok, so do you all get that things are getting easier for me? Well, now I'm going to confuse all of you. I'm not trying to confuse you on purpose, but it's just kind of how grief works. So even though things are getting easier, it's still so hard. It's hard because things getting easier for me means that I'm moving on with my life. Moving into my future without Shawn, and that is the difficult part. After months and months of grieving and being filled with the worst pain I have ever felt and still do feel at times I want to laugh again. I want new adventures. I want to find new happiness. I want to start dating again. I want all of those things. At times though it's hard to think about all of that, to think about my future without thinking about Shawn being part of it. Yet at the same time I am the one who is living, I'm the one who needs to find my "new normal", I'm the one who needs to move on. The truth of the matter is I'm doing good, not only o.k. but good. I still have more hurdles of grief to get through, but I'm doing good. I'm so grateful for that good feeling, but at the same time it feels really wrong to say I'm doing good without Shawn. In a weird way it's almost like I don't want things to get easier, because that means that Shawn is leaving me more and more every day. Even though I know that Shawn will ALWAYS be with me. When you are in the early stages of grief, you want nothing more than to have a good day, you dream of having a day without tears. Then many many months down the road when you start "living" again you almost feel guilty for being o.k. without the love of your life by your side. That is the thing about grief...you never know what emotion it is going to throw in your face. You just have to be ready for it, and feel whatever it sends your way. I'm really sorry if I confused all of you with the "things are getting easier but at the same time I don't want them to get easier" bit, I just wasn't sure how to describe it to you all in words.

I will sum it up by saying this. I am doing good, with every new day I look more and more forward to my future and all that it has to offer. I'm looking forward to my new adventures and what ever they may bring. At times I still wonder what my life would be like right now if Shawn would not have passed away. What we would be doing as a family? I think I may always wonder about that, I think that is just human nature. However, as I look forward to the future I will also say one more time, that yes 14 months after Shawn's death, things are starting to get easier and for that I'm grateful.