Trying to Figure Me Out

As many of you know I have been trying to find my "new life", my "new normal" and the "New Jenny"since Shawn has died. What a project that has been and still is! I can very easily say that finding the "New Jenny" has been one of the most difficult things I have ever done in my entire life. Well other than losing Shawn, but nothing and I mean nothing compares to that type of pain and grief. The day he died I knew that my life was going to be drastically different that I had imagined it being. Almost 7 months later I now know I am not the same person I was on August 17, I am a very very different person that I ever thought I would be.

On August 17 just one day before Shawn died I had everything I ever wanted and thought I had my life all figured out. My life changed in a blink of an eye. Shawn wasn't happy in his job, but it was ok, because we knew after that season we would be moving. I had a job that I enjoyed going to, I had a great group of friends, we didn't own a house, but we had an extremely nice apartment, we had two running cars, great health insurance, and families who loved us. Most importantly we had each other and that was all that mattered. We were there for each other when we needed it the most. Just ten days before Shawn died we found out I was pregnant. Life was good, life was really really good and for a whopping 10 days before Shawn died we were both extremely happy in the direction our life was headed. Then on August 18 everything that I knew my life to be changed! In the weeks following Shawn's death I packed up our apartment and put most of everything we owned into a storage shed, I left my job, I left all of my friends, I moved out of our apartment and moved back to Michigan and moved back in with my parents. One week after that is when I found out about the baby. NOTHING in my life is the same as it was on August 17. I have often joked saying that the only thing that has remained the same in my life is the car I drive, but it is true. Every aspect of my life has changed...everything.

During all of this I have also changed as is to be expected when you face something like I have faced. I have changed in more ways than I can count and I won't go all into them here because good lord it would take me all day! However, the one thing that I will say is that I know I'm a much stronger person now than I was on August 17. I have had to be, without this strength I don't think I would be today where I am at in terms of my life and attitude. Well my strength, and the support of my family and friends. As I have said before, Shawn always told me that I was a stronger person than I ever gave myself credit for. Maybe he was right. (After all Shawn did have a knack for being right about a lot of stuff) During the last 7 months I have done things that I never thought I would have done for myself, some of them have been simple things but things that I have never had to do for myself and have had to figure out how to do them. I have also come to realize that I'm a much more independent person and somewhere deep down inside of me starting to surface I know that I will be "ok".

I'm now getting to the point where I am starting to want to figure out more of "me". Who I am and what I want to do with myself. These are very big things and questions to ask of oneself especially when I thought I had them all figured out. I have always known I wanted to be a wife and mom more than anything in the world. I was married to a great great man and was pregnant with our baby, I couldn't have asked for more. Seven months later I am now a widow and not a mom. As I ask myself these questions on a daily basis I realize I may not end up with very clear answers or at least for now they may be unclear. Many of the questions I think I'm having will be answered in time and as I figure more of me out. I have always been a pretty big planner, I'm the type of person who has lived by the time on their calender and if something gets messed up it had the potential to ruin the rest of the day. I'm learning not to live like this because I know all to well that life doesn't follow the schedule posted on the refrigerator and things can happen that will allow and require that your life must change. Don't get me wrong I still need to plan things, but I try not to look too far into the future. I'm more of a day to day planner now instead of looking at something months or even years into the future.

The next few months are going to be "big" months for me. I am now over the half way point of the first year of firsts. It will be 7 months on Wednesday since Shawn has been gone. I have been told by people in similar situations as mine that months 7-10 things really start coming together in relation to where life will take me. I have been told that this is the time where you start to make new memories for yourself. The initial shock of Shawn's death now starting to wear off. I still have times when I can't believe that he is gone and that I'm a widow and I hate when these feelings sneak up on me. I still miss Shawn every single day like I have never missed him before and I want him back with me every day. To be very honest I don't know if those thoughts and feelings will ever go away. Bottom line is my life with Shawn ended way to soon and I think I will always wonder "what if" and think of the "what would have bens" However, I'm starting to get to the place where I don't want to feel sorry for myself anymore either. I have realize that I do want to be happy again one day.

I say that the next few months are going to be "big" for me because I currently have a TON of thoughts roaming around in my brain during any given minute about what direction I want to take with my life and exactly who the New Jenny is going to become. I have thoughts about going back to school and moving back to Youngstown, thoughts about when I should return back to work and to what type of job. I'm also thinking about a time frame for all of this. I don't want to do anything too fast and stress myself out but I don't want to miss opportunities as well. In the next few weeks I will actually be making my first big purchase since Shawn has died. With the help of Jennie's fiancee Chris (shout out and HUGE thank you to Chris!!) I will be buying my first brand new car!! I'm extremely excited about this but a little nervous all at the same time. Buying a car may not seem like a big deal to other people, but it is huge for me. (I'm looking at the Saturn Vue's for those of you who are wondering)

So in the last 7 months I have changed in more ways that I could have imagined. I know the next 5 months will be no exception. I'm also thinking that the next several months maybe more important to my new life and to my new normal than the last 6 months. I think the choices I make in the next several months will directly affect the New Jenny and will help to form the New Jenny into what ever it is that I become. Like I said earlier....I know only time will tell what I will or will not be doing and where I will or will not be going, but for a person who still likes to "plan" it is still a little unnerving to say the least. I do think I'm up for the challenge of finding the new me. As always I know with the support of my family and friends I will make the right choices and follow the right path to finding the new me.

All that being said I would greatly appreciate any extra thoughts and or prayers from you all as I try to maneuver the road to finding the New Jenny.

Thank you all!!