I Still Miss Him

Ever since I have gotten back from visiting my friends in Youngstown I feel like I have been on "edge". I don't really know why I have felt this way. I don't know if my family and friends here have noticed or if my friends in Ohio have noticed while on the phone but I have for sure noticed the shortness in myself. Maybe it is more of an internal thing at this point. At first I thought I was feeling this way because I missed my friends and have been a little lonely feeling since being back. Then I thought maybe I was feeling this way because I'm trying to figure out what to do next with my life. I have been contemplating moving back to Youngstown. I have also been mulling over the idea about going back to school and getting a different degree perhaps in some sort of counseling. I already have a degree in Psychology, so it maybe a logical choice. I have began to embrace what is coming next for me and in one way that is a good feeling, but in another it is the scariest thing I have ever gone through in my life.

Basically the last several days my mind has been going about a trillion miles a minute with a trillion different thoughts as I try to figure out what to do next with my life. My mind hasn't raced like this in a few months. I have thought about "T" and where our relationship is going, about my friends, my old life, my new life, what my next move should be and most importantly I have been thinking A LOT about my Shawn.

Then today as I was sitting at a stop light after church it hit me. I miss Shawn and I miss him more than I ever have. I also realized that it is ok for me to feel this way. In all reality for the most part I'm doing really well, but on the same hand it has only been 6 months and I miss my husband more than ever before, more than I could have ever dreamed of missing him. It is truly a horrible empty feeling. Don't get me wrong I've known since that August morning that Shawn is gone and I have accepted that as best as I can. However for some reason the last few days it has been hitting me all over again. I haven't been crying or anything like that, but it's more of a feeling that has been washing over me. Like I said I know Shawn is gone but for some reason now 6 long months later it seems much more real to me. I guess FINAL would be the best word to use. I don't know really why that is or why these feelings have been flooding me the last few days. Maybe it is the fact that I've realized I want to be happy again in a relationship one day, maybe it's the fact that I'm starting to move forward with my life and beginning to say hello to my new one life as I begin to say good-bye to what was. What I think it boils down to is I miss Shawn and I miss my life.

I miss being a wife. I miss being able to take care of a person like I have never taken care of before. I LOVED being a wife and doing "wifely" things around the house for our small little family of 2. It was the two of us for so long and as much as I have always wanted children I loved it being just "us"..."The Two Coins". I miss coming home from work and immediately starting dinner so it would be ready almost as soon as Shawn would get home. I miss doing our laundry and putting our clothes away. I miss going to the grocery store and shopping for the food that we both liked. I miss baking chocolate chip cookies every Sunday for Shawn to take into work for the other coach's. I miss taking care of our house. I miss being Shawn Coin's wife, I LOVED being Shawn Coin's wife, I HATE being Shawn Coin's widow.

More than missing being Shawn's wife and taking care of our house I miss Shawn. It is as simple as that. I miss him! I miss his smile, the sound of his voice, the touch of his lips on my skin, his adorable red goatee. I miss the way he would pick on me in the nicest way possible, how he would make me laugh when I didn't feel like laughing, and how we would talk about nothing at all but have the best conversations at the same time. I miss crawling into our queen size bed with him at night, snuggling in the crook of his arm as I drift off to sleep, kissing him good night and good morning. I miss the way he would look at me at different times during the day, talking to him on lunch breaks, and riding in the car with him. I miss the way Shawn would smell after getting out of the shower, the smell of his cologne and just the smell of him. I miss sitting in our living room with Shawn, not talking but just being with each other. I miss watching sporting events such as football and NASCAR with him. I miss our lazy Sundays when we would watch movies together and just cuddle each other all day. I miss the way he would tell me that everything would be ok even when I doubted that it would. Oh what I would do to have Shawn tell me that things will be ok once again. I would hang onto those words forever. Even though I say it everyday I miss being able to tell Shawn that I love him. I miss hearing the words "I love you baby" from him, once again to hear those words would be music to my ears.

I could go on and on about what I miss about Shawn. I have no real words for how much I miss him and how much I miss being with Shawn and being his wife. There are no words to explain the feeling I have. Even though I have made the choice to be happy to embrace my new life as it is happening in front of me and be grateful for what my new life is going to be I can't help but wonder what would have been. I can't help but think that in only 40 days Shawn and I would be having our first child together. We were going to name the baby either Logan Robert if it was a boy or Rylee Ann if it was a girl. (That is a secret that only Shawn, I and our families had. NOBODY knew what were were naming the baby, so consider yourself lucky. I'm telling you because it doesn't matter now.) I can't help but think how Shawn would react to having a newborn at our house.

Even though my new life is off to a good start and I really do look forward to seeing where I will go in my new life I can't help but miss my first love and my first life more than I ever have before.

I miss my old life and I miss Shawn more than I could have ever imagined missing him.

I miss you and love you Shawn and I always always will!!
I love you!
(This was the last picture I have of Shawn and I. It was taken last summer on July 13, 2007 at Shawn's family reunion~almost 13 months before he died)