On The Road Again

For a person who was scared to drive alone in her own town for fear of getting lost I sure have been on the road a lot the last few months. Seven months ago I would have never even of thought to get in the car and take a 5 hour trip by myself. My how time flies! Now I have done it twice in 2 months. Yes...I'm back in Youngstown!!! Yay!!!!

I left Michigan Wednesday morning a little after 8:00 a.m. and arrived in Youngstown a little after 1:00 p.m. Not bad time if I do say so myself. Originally I was only going to stay for a long weekend arriving on Thursday and leaving to go back to Michigan on Monday. I was going to come and say a quick "Hi" to everyone and then head back. However my friends need me so I'm staying longer and well that is just fine with me. Both Jennie and Lora needed/wanted me to watch their kids on different days while I was here.

The center where Jennie, Lora and I all used to work has closed so Jennie needed me to watch her youngest son for her both yesterday and today. Since I was already home with one of them I decided I would keep her other son as well. I have had two fun filled days of playing trucks, riding bikes, and chasing the little monkeys around the house. I also took Peyton to visit his new child care center. The three of us and Bo have had lots of fun the last few days. It is kind of crazy around here though with having an almost 2 year old, a 3 year old and a 5 month old puppy all running around the house at the same time, but fun none the less. The boys don't call me Jenny, instead they walk around the house calling me Coin and I just love it. I'm not even sure that Peyton (Jennie's youngest) even knows that my name is Jenny. The rest of today is going to be devoted to cleaning Jennie's house and getting ready for Christopher's 3rd birthday party tomorrow afternoon. I think we are all going to pile in the car again tonight and go car hunting for me as well.

Tomorrow is Christopher's birthday party and that should be fun. Family functions at Jennie's house are always the best. I'm sure there will be a few different stories to report on. Then on Sunday I will be leaving Jennie's house and going to my other friend Lora's. I will be staying with Lora, her husband, and little boy Luca until Thursday. Lora has an all day out of town meeting on Thursday so I will be staying with Luca. Luca and I are very close and I imagine that we will be having lots of fun as well. I'm not sure what Lora and I will be doing the rest of the week, but I imagine that we will be having a good time too. I always have the best of time with Jennie, Lora and their families when I come for a visit. We all laugh so much. Laughing is starting to feel really good once again.

I was going to leave next Friday to head back to Michigan, but I'm guessing that Chris and I may need another weekend to car shop. It is proving to be harder than we originally thought to find the car that I "want" and we both want to make sure I get the car that is right for me so we may need a little more time to shop around. If that is the case then I will leave to go back to Michigan on Monday. Hopefully driving back in a brand new spankin car! I will keep you all updated on the car shopping.

On a more somber note Wednesday marked 7 months that Shawn has been gone. I'm now "officially" over the half way point of all the first year of firsts. Only 5 months to go until the one year mark. Ugh...in one way that makes me so sick to my stomach to think that, then in another way I want it to get here so all the first's will be behind me. I know I've said it many many times before, but I'm going to say it again. In some aspects it feels as if it Shawn just died yesterday and in other ways it feels as if it has been much longer than even seven months. I remember everything about that day and that is the part that makes it feel like it just happened. All the details of the day are still so fresh in my mind. Then there is the part of me that feels like it has been much longer than seven months. That is the part of me that wants and needs Shawn like I have never needed him or wanted him before. It is the part of me that misses being a wife...misses being his wife. The part of me that misses the touch of his hands, the feel of his hugs, the feel of his lips. The part of me that misses the life that the two of us shared and that was so so good. I will forever and ever miss all of those things about Shawn. I think that makes me the most sad right now is the fact that I'm almost in a way starting to forget the sound of his voice. I mean I remember it but I guess it is just starting to fade a little in my mind. I still remember everything of how he looked...the moles, the scars, his hair, his smile, and his eyes. I remember all of that but his voice for some reason is starting to fade and that makes me want to cry. I really don't have anything to remind me of that. I don't have any voice mails from him, the only thing I have with his voice is our wedding video and I'm not sure I'm ready to watch that just yet. For now I just try everyday to remember the sound of his voice....I try to remember the sound of him calling my name.

It also occurred to me while I was driving on Wednesday that I should now be 8 months pregnant and very quickly approaching my due date of April 18. The time is quickly approaching when Shawn and I were going to become a Mommy and a Daddy and we would have the perfect little family. Instead of a perfect little family it is now just me...no husband and no baby. It is just me...only one Coin who is now finding her way through an unfamiliar life. For the most part I'm doing well I have my days, but I really am doing ok. I'm learning to find my new normal and I know I will find more of that within the next several months. For now I'm still taking things a day at a time and learning about me as I go. I'm starting to embrace my new life and even starting to look forward to the new things that I will be doing in my life. My family and the best group of friends that a girl could ask for are helping me every step of the way and I will never be able to thank them all enough for their help and encouragement. THANK-YOU!!! you all know who you are!!

Ok...it is time to get lunch for the boys..I must go, but I will be back again very soon.