Memories of Us

I woke up this morning to Bo licking my face at 7:45. Sweet but kind of gross and way to early none the less. I woke up, gave Bo a little hug and then rolled back over and tried to close my eyes and fall back to sleep. However my brain had other ideas and for some reason out of the blue I began to think about some of the memories that Shawn and I had together. I thought about and remembered things I haven't thought about in years. It was a really nice feeling to be able to remember and think about some of the good things that Shawn and I shared. Some of the memories brought little tears to my eyes, many of them made me smile and all of them made me wish for Shawn to be back and made me wish for my old life in a way in that I have never wanted it back before. I thought that today I would share with you some of those memories that the two of us had...

After I closed my eyes the first memory that I had took me back to when the two of us were in college at Northern Michigan University. Pretty much the entire campus over looks lake Superior and it is absolutely beautiful. Anyways, my memory took me to the red light house that Shawn and I would always go to. We would go to our favorite Mexican restaurant, get our food and then go and eat it in on a picnic table along the shore of the beach. (Shawn HATED sand, so we would always pick a table in the grass.) Then we would sit and eat our food, looking out at the big open water of the lake and red lighthouse, while at the same time always having the most wonderful conversations. Sometimes we would talk about big important issues and other times we would just talk about little trivial things going on with in each of our lives. Whatever we talked about the conversation was always great and we enjoyed spending that time with each other. Ah...to have a moment back like that once again.

My second memory took me this time to the football field at NMU and the first time I got to watch Shawn out of the field coaching his position. I had seen him coach during practise but this was the first time I saw him during a game. He came running out onto the field in his green and gold coaching uniform, a NMU football hat, khaki pants and a pair of tennis shoes. I was so proud of him for getting to the point in his very early coaching career that he could finally run out on the field with the other coach's. My heart swelled for him that day, I never told him this but sitting up in the stands I had tears in my eyes because I was so happy for him and the fact that he finally had his foot in the door with regards to his coaching. I remember they lost that game, but throughout the entire game Shawn coached up his players to the best of his ability. Even when they were down by several touchdowns Shawn was always on the sidelines talking coaching his players. After the game all of the wives got to go out onto the field. I ran right up to him and gave him a huge hug and told him I was sorry that they had lost the game. He looked at me and said, "Well Babe, we knew this was going to be a hard game, my guys did played their best I coached them the best I could and for this game that is all I can ask for." Shawn wasn't typically ok with losing so I figured he would be upset. Instead I think that he was just so happy that he was finally coaching and doing what he loved the actual outcome of the game didn't really matter.

Care to join me on another memory? This one involves one of my all time favorite things shopping! Since Shawn was pretty much gone on the weekends from August to late November we didn't get to spend much time together then so during the off season we would just hang out and spend time with each other. Shawn knew I love to shop. Usually one weekend a month we would get up early on a Saturday morning, go out to breakfast and then hit the mall. We would always walk around the mall holding hands. Shawn would let me go into any store that I wanted to and he would even go in with me. He even would go into stores like Bath and Body Works and Victoria's Secret with me. I would in turn go into sporting/electronic stores like Finish Line, Dicks Sporting Goods or Best Buy. Sometimes we would buy things and sometimes we wouldn't. More times than not Shawn would "let" me get something and he would tell me that I deserve something nice for being such a great, understanding and supporting wife. Most every time we were at the mall Shawn would get me a soft pretzel. I love them dipped in cheese. We would usually end sitting on one of the benches eating the pretzel and observing people walking past us. Again going shopping was something simple but it was something fun that we did together.

The last time we were able to go shopping together was 10 days before Shawn died and the night I found out we were going to have a baby. I hadn't told Shawn yet, but we were looking at baby stuff anyways. Shawn picked out a little Winnie the Pooh outfit that said "My Best Friends" on it and there was a picture of Tigger, Eeyore and Piglet. Shawn picked up a size 3 month and asked me if I wanted to get this. (we had been buying baby on occasion since we had been trying) Remember I still hadn't told Shawn I was pregnant. I looked at Shawn and then looked at the size of the outfit and said, "Yeah sure, it's cute and the size will even be right." Oops...me and my big mouth! He looked at me and asked me to repeat what I had just said. So like a dummy I stood in the middle of the baby aisle in Target and told my husband that I was pregnant and that we were going to have a baby. Shawn had been telling me for days and days before that I was acting different and that he knew I was already pregnant. I told him to stop saying that because I didn't want to be disappointed as I had been for the last 14 months. He knew! I will never ever forget the look on his face when I told him we were going to be parents. He was in total shock, but at the same time smiling a smile like I had never seen before on his handsome face.

Of course the last memory I thought of this morning was of my last morning with Shawn. I was already having morning sickness and was dry heaving into the toilet. Even though Shawn himself didn't feel well he stood in the bathroom with me and rubbed my back. He looked at me and told me he hoped that this wouldn't last long because he hated seeing me sick. Shawn then went out to the kitchen got me a bag of Saltine crackers and some peppermints to take to work with me. I remember that he was wearing a red NIKE football t-shirt that said "Do what makes you happy...play football." and a black pair of YSU football shorts. I also remember I was having a difficult time picking out something to wear and he picked out my tank top for me that day. He told me it made my boobs look nice (men!) I went and got dressed and Shawn was standing in the kitchen drinking a glass of oj. He told me that he didn't feel good and wished that he could stay home and I remember telling him I wished we could both stay home and spend the day together. Oh I wish we were able to spend that day with each other curled up on our couch just the two of us. Then we walked to the door, gave each other our last kiss and I watched him walk to his car. Before he got into the car Shawn turned to me and said "I love you". I told him I loved him back and that I would see him later after work and then watched him get into his car and drive away. That is my last memory of seeing Shawn alive.

As I'm typing this tears are streaming down my face pooling at the keyboard as I remember the good times I had with Shawn and the good things that the two of us did as a couple. I'm remembering our marriage and how truly great and awesome it was and I'm remembering the deep love that we shared for each other. I'm remembering how great my old life was. I know that as I move forward in my future and move forward in finding the "New Jenny" that I will always have these memories with me. I know that they will never leave me and will always be in my heart as I begin to make new memories for myself. I really am looking forward and I want to start making new memories for myself but today when I tried to go back to sleep I was reminded of what was and even if for a brief few moments having all of those memories felt really really wonderful. Thank you for taking the time to share in our memories.