Last Night

Well tonight I'm laying in my bed typing this post and it is the last night I get to have in the house that Shawn and I started so much together in. I didn't think leaving this town would bother me so much.

Neither of us really liked it here, but now that I'm hours away from leaving I feel like I don't want to go. Everything is packed up and ready to go in the moving van. All of Shawn's stuff is packed away in boxes that will be going back to my parents house with me. All of my stuff is packed away as well. There is also 2 boxes full of baby stuff that Shawn and I got together between the week we found out that I was pregnant, and the week he died.

We don't live in the best town. It's kinda rough around here. But I'm finding myself sad to leave. Tonight I had to say good bye to my two best friends and both their kids. They came over and spent most of the evening with me. Finally the little ones needed to go to bed so they left. It was hard, I hate leaving my friends. Then around 10:00 four of the football coaches came over and finished loading the heavy stuff for me. It was soon time for them to leave as well. I walked them all out to their cars, hugged them each and told them how great they were to me the last few weeks. They are 4 great guys and each of them have called me every day since Shawn has died. They mean so much to me, and I feel by leaving here, I'm leaving them and it makes me sad.

I also feel like by leaving here I'm also leaving behind a huge part of my life with Shawn. We were together for 12 years and only in Ohio for 3 of them, but I feel like we made so many life altering decisions while living here. We made so many great memories while living here, and I feel like I'm walking out on my friends, my guys (coaches) and our memories. I guess what is bothering me the most is that I feel like I'm leaving Shawn. I know that this feeling is silly, his grave is at home in Michigan, and I know he is with me all the time, but I feel like I'm leaving the life we had just begun to start here. I also know Shawn wouldn't want me to be here by myself, and he would want me to move in with my family, but I still feel very sad at the same time for moving.

So on the last night of being here in our home I have one more task to do. That is to erase off the bathroom mirror the note that I wrote 3 weeks ago this Friday, and that is the note telling Shawn that he was going to be a daddy. I told you all earlier that I would tell you what the note said, it reads as follows:
"As usual you were right (shocking).......
We are going to have a baby!!!!
Please don't freak out, we will
figure everything out and be fine"

And guess what he didn't freak out, he was very excited to become a daddy. He even picked out the first outfit that night while we were at the mall. So now, before I go to sleep, I'm going to take it off the mirror. I'm going to do it tonight, in case I have problems in the morning.

So tomorrow I will be starting my "new" life by moving back into my parents house with them and my sister. I will be moving into the largest bedroom in the house, so there will be room for a crib and other baby belongings. It won't be the same, and it for sure isn't how I thought my life would happen or how Shawn or I thought our family was going to start. But deep down, I think going back with them is the best decision for me and the baby. It's just going to take some time getting used to. I think all of this is going to take some time getting used to. Like I've done for the last 2 weeks, I will take it one day at a time, and see where that takes me. Like I've said before Shawn is with me every second of the day and I'm sure he will lead me in the right direction and he will be the one to continue to give me the strength to go on every day.

It maybe a few days before I update as I will be unpacking as much of our stuff as I can fit into my room. But I promise I will be back in a few days.

Thank you again everyone for the support you have all given me over the last few weeks. You have all meant so much to me.

Talk more soon

Jenny