Everyone at my house is starting to get back to normal within the last few weeks. My brother went back to work two and a half weeks ago, my sister went back 2 weeks ago, my dad went back to work last week, and my mom just went back today. Mom is working today and tomorrow, taking Wednesday off so she can be with me for the dreaded D&C. If I need her she will also take Thursday off as well, if I'm doing ok then my mother in law will come and"sit" with me. So for the most part everyone is starting to get back to some sort of normal schedule/life. Well, all except for me. I still have no schedule, I go to sleep when I want usually late around 12:30ish, get up when I want usually around 9:30 ish and spend the late morning/early afternoon watching The View and What Not To Wear. By the way Stacy and Clinton would NOT approve of what I've been wearing the last few weeks. I don't think they would like the bun on top of my head, really baggy sweats, Shawn's 2XL YSU shirt, glasses and no make up. O-well, there are some days when I do get dressed and put on some makeup if there is somewhere I need to go. That should count for something.
We still talk about Shawn every day, everyone in the family does. It's just that everyone has kind of gotten back to their "normal" lives. For me I just can't seem to figure out what normal should be. My entire life is so different now. I'm in now way ready for work, so I don't have that schedule to follow, I don't have any friends here so that way of life is out the window and this last Saturday I listened to the YSU game on the radio instead of being there and bawled like a baby at the end of the game when they won. It was a HUGE game, and they were such the underdog and were favored to lose and lose big. Instead they killed the opposing team the entire game. I've gone to a college football game every Saturday for the last 9 years, unless it was an away game. So that is something to get used to as well. It just wasn't the same listening to our team on the radio. I should have been there to hug Shawn and all the other coaches when they came off the field after winning such a big game. Instead I was home with my mom cheering them on in my living room.
I guess after the D&C (nothing has happened yet. Damn body) is done I need to take some time and figure out what my "new normal" will be. I'm sure it will take some time to figure out. I just need to figure out what it will be and how to go about achieving something normal again. You really don't realize how you lived your life on a daily basis until the one consistent thing in your life changes. A simple thing like watching a TV show isn't even the same anymore. We used to watch CSI:LV each night together, Shawn would sing the entire song, and I would sing the whoop whoop part. A silly little thing we did, but that is gone to, I now whoop whoop in my head. Then there is country radio. I can't even listen to the radio anymore, it seems like every song now a days reminds me about Shawn in some fashion. Even hearing Boot Scootin Boogey brought tears to my eyes yesterday. (Brooks and Dunn is Shawn's favorite group.)
So the new normal that is what I'm going to start to think about over the next few weeks and months. When I get it all figured out I will let you all know. But until then I going to hope this is all just a really really bad dream, and I will wake up and my normal and my husband who I miss more than the entire world will be there. (I guess this would only happen in a perfect world huh?) The new normal, that is what I need to start thinking about.
Maybe I will get a puppy. Yeah maybe a puppy. Any thoughts on a good small dog?
Talk more soon
19 comments:
I have no right to comment since you don't know me - but I've been reading your blog and simply have no words to say to express my sorrow at everything you are going through and have gone through. You are most definitely in my thoughts and prayers, for what that's worth. Two things - if you ever move South, I'm a HUGE college football with season tickets to my favorite school and would be honored to take you to a game with me. And, secondly, I have a silky terrier - 14 lbs, smart, beautiful, minimal shed. He's my second, and I highly recommend the breed. Not as fragile as a Yorkie, but looks the same. Wow - sorry to be so long-winded.
Good to hear from you!! I'm sorry about the D&C. That is such a bummer. I cannot even imagine.
I might suggest finding something to do outside of being in the house. I'm not sure about your finances, but even volunteering at a soup kitchen or something can help get you out of the house, meeting people and focusing on something else. I know it won't be easy and you definitely need your time to morn, but it might help be an outlet for you outside of your family and being in the house.
I would definitely think getting a dog is a great idea -- we got ours a year and a half ago and cannot imagine life without her. She's a little mutt (half chihuahua, half something) so she can fly on a plane, play ball, and curl up on your lap or under the covers like a cat.
I'll keep praying for you.
**HUGS**
Hey there. I hope that you can eventually get to some kind of new "normal" and in time I think you will. I watched that game this weekend too it was a good one! As for a dog I have a chihuahua which would be good for you if you only ever wanted to sleep I swear good for nothing dogs LOL but I have a minature daschund and she is wonderful. She is totally faithful and wants to spend all her time with me. That might be a good option for you. Shes not huge and shes smart. I hope everything goes ok, well it won't be ok but I hope you are ok after the D&C. Honestly I don't know what it is. I will keep you in my prayers. Good Luck & God Bless. Take one day at a time!
Hey Jenny,
I hear ya, I know exactly what you mean.
By the way, I love What Not To Wear! I'm actually jealous you get to watch it every day, how retarded is that?!
Take all the time in the world you need. You will know when you start to feel ready for life again. The only timetable you can use is your own, so don't worry about everyone else getting back to normal. It's easier for them because it was not their lives that changed.
A puppy is a great idea, yorkies and maltese are awesome dogs. Mmaybe a class for fun at a local college or community center...like cooking or knitting. Cooking is really cathartic for me, I can lose myself in it for hours.
As always, I'm here, hun, whatever you need. Whenever you want to talk. I'm sorry you have to go through the d and c, I hope it all goes well for you. (((HUGS)))
I think a puppy would actually be a great idea for you. Maybe you should go to your local humane society and adopt a puppy or even a dog that needs a new home. Good luck with things and I hope you are able find a new normal for yourself. I'm thinking of you.
I think getting a dog is a wonderful idea. They are awesome. I've had dogs my entire life and couldn't image not having one. They help you through the toughest and worst of times, but they do require some work (puppies especially). If you can, adopt one from your local aspca (or whatever is around you). There are so many dogs in need of a good home and you can feel good about saving a dogs life.
There is a reason why they call them 'man's best friend'.
Take all the time you need to find your groove again- your whole world has been turned upside down.
I don't know anything about dogs, but my sister loves her chihuahua. A good friend got a St Bernard puppy last year and says it really distracted her from all the infertility pain she had. But that dog is MASSIVE now. Sweet, but slobbery and big.
Shi tzu's are supposed to be good. Also, if you can go bigger--labs are great companions.
I agree that getting out of the house would help.
You are in my prayers always.
Doggies are great for companionship. Even though it is considered a bully breed, the American Staffordshire is a great dog too. Mine is big, but strong and quite the baby.
I have a lab, and it is hard to find a better dog to cuddle with. They are not small, but they are all love.
I also second the previous comment about trying to get out of the house, just once in a while. Volunteer, take a class, exercise.... Anything to distract you for just a little bit. FWIW, when my son died, running was hands down my best therapy.
I'm just a stranger who thinks of you often. Sending love and lots of hugs...
Yes, a puppy would be nice. Maybe a Yorkie or Cocker?
A dog would be a great idea! I love my two dogs so much - they were a big part in my healing after Samuel's death.
Don't rush into finding that new normal - it will take time. But you will find it and when you do it will be okay. Okay to laugh again, okay to joke around again, and okay to not cry when you think of certain things. But all of that comes with time.
I will be thinking of you as your D&C approaches.
Hey jenny! I think a puppy would be agreat idea. I have a little peke-a-poo. She is such a lap dog and acts just like a child. I really hope you find your normal & things start looking up for you. A thousand million hugs.
I hope you find your new normal Jenny. I can only imagine how hard this all has been for you. You are in my thoughts daily though and it's always good to hear from you.
I will be thinking about you extra hard on Wednesday. {HUGS}
I have a female applehead Chihuahua http://www.flickr.com/photos/21612584@N06/2874818447/ (that's my dog). She is full grown and only weighs 3 lbs and she thinks I hung the moon. She rides in my lap when I go visit my parents. I can throw her in my purse if I need to sneak her in Wally World. Without sounding cheesy, she's the greatest dog ever. Chihuahuas normally will bond with ONE person and they will love you like no other dog. They are needy dogs. They need to be next to you. To sleep on you. They love to snuggle, don't shed, and they think they are 150lb mastiffs. My 40 lb mutt is afraid of my tiny little chihuahua. They aren't normally 3 lbs. I just have a tiny one. They are normally 5ish lbs and not as fragile as they look.
If I could hug you and cry with you I would. I thought about you all day Saturday while watching football on tv. I don't know you personally, but I think about you all the time. I hope you find a routine of normalcy soon.
Have you tried a local humane society? I know if you adopt a dog from one of the ones here, if for some reason it doesn't work out you can return it. I don't say that to sound heartless (I don't think I could return an animal for anything) but it is a nice cushion if it has behavioral issues.
My heart goes out to you and I think of you often. It will probably be a long time before you know what the new normal is. I hope you find comfort until then.
I hope your D&C goes smoothly and quickly. You will be in my thoughts.
Jen, I hope you don't mind me saying this, but you are living out my worst nightmare. The thought of loosing my husband absolutley terrifies me. I can only imagine how you must be feeling and what this must be like for you. I can so understand how difficult it must be to be trying to figure out what is normal and everyday for you now, when your entire world has been turned upside down. As for your miscarriage and pending D&C, all I can say is that its almost like some kind of extremely cruel and sick joke.
Just know that although we can't be there physically, everyone of us reading your blog has been touched and transformed in some way by your journey and we're all routing for you!
I think a puppy is a wonderful idea. Something small and cute and cuddly, what about a Griffon?
(((Hugs)))
Jenny, I'm so sorry. Take all the time you need to find your new normal. Try some new things, volunteering, classes, crafts, painting, anything you may have interest in. Spend time on finding yourself. I agree a puppy is a great idea. They are great companions and listeners. I would suggest adopting a pup from the humane society or another shelter. Maybe even spend some time volunteering there? We've always had mixbreed dogs and they are the best, just remember to look at the paws for insight into how big they are going to get.
(((HUGE HUGS))) And you continue to be in my prayers. God be with you.
What is "normal", you will find your way give yourself time. You sound like a very strong person and I will pray that you get through this to find a life that goes on even though you will never forget what you have lost. God Bless.
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