Yesterday was 4 weeks & update

Sorry I haven't updated in a while. I've either been trying to keep myself busy or sitting on the couch. In other words I've just been kinda lazy and haven't been on the computer much at all.

Well yesterday was 4 weeks since Shawn has been gone. I pretty much had a shitty day all day. I woke up not feeling good at all, went back to sleep for a while then woke back up still feeling like poop. Finally around 11:00 I threw up and then felt a little bit better. Then the tears started a flowin.

On the way back from the bathroom I for some reason looked on my one bedroom wall, the wall I put up one of our wedding pictures. I totally lost it. I don't think I've cried that long or that hard since Shawn had died. I was home alone so I just sat in my big lonely bed and just cried. Then after about 20 minutes I felt a little better. I called and talked to one of the Coaches who has been great since losing Shawn and then was a little better yet. I still felt like crap, but I guess that is to be expected after losing the love of your life. I did also go back to the cemetery yesterday. I didn't stay for too long because it was cold and pouring rain. I went and talked to Shawn some more, told him that I miss him more than words can say, that I would give my left arm to give him just one more kiss, or to feel him give me a hug just one more time. I told him I picked out his headstone, and I also told him that I'm doing ok. That I have good days and bad. Then I kissed my hand, then placed my hand over where his heart would be, told him I loved him and missed him one more time. Walked away and told him I would be back next week. After that I felt better, still bawled, but felt a little better.

But I do have a question for you all. I'm wondering what you think of this situation.
Since I've been back home I have talked to the one Coach, that Shawn was close with every night before going to bed. We talk almost every night at 11:00, either he calls me or I call him. Either way we talk. Most of the time we talk about Shawn, sometimes we talk about Shawn for a while, then talk about either myself or what is going on with him. Other times we just talk about everything and anything. Sometimes we just call and say good night to each other, other nights we talk for hours before each falling asleep. What I was wondering from you all is this...Do you think it is an odd thing that we are each gaining so much comfort from each other?
In one aspect I think it is very healthy for us to be helping each other get through this horrible time. He was very close to Shawn, he was over at our house all the time, and was with Shawn in the office when he died, he watched the EMT's work on him. Then in another way I kind of feel bad about it. Kind of like in some odd way like I'm "cheating" on Shawn. I know deep down I shouldn't feel like this. But on another hand I feel like I'm doing something wrong because if Shawn was still here I know I wouldn't be talking to him like this. We are helping each other get through this and I think that is ok, but then again I don't know. But on nights like last night when we both fell asleep before talking I felt like I had missed something in my day, and he told me the same thing today when he called me at lunch time.
Every night we say "love you" before hanging up the phone. It's not the "I love you" like I told Shawn during the day. But it's the "I love you" that you tell a friend who is helping you through a difficult time. Which when I think about it is what we are doing for each other.
Please, please don't think this is in any way a "romantic" thing. That is the farthest thing from my mind right now. I just kind of think we are drawing some sort of comfort from each other. Is that an ok thing to do from a person of the opposite sex?

Now for the update:
Still nothing has happened with the miscarriage. I have to call the Dr. tomorrow to see what to do next. I still would like to wait a few more days before having the D&C depending on what the Dr. says. Most of what I've read has said that a natural m/c happens within 2 1/2 weeks from the time the baby has stopped growing (that would be the end of this week). I don't want to have the D&C on Thursday because that is exactly 30 days that Shawn has been gone(yesterday was 4 weeks) and I don't want it done on Friday b/c that is my sisters b-day and I don't want her day to be ruined with having this done. But if nothing has happened by Monday, then I'm willing to have the D&C done by that time. I'm kind of getting to the point where it needs to be over, so I can heal in all the ways I need to, both with the baby and with Shawn. But not to the point yet where I want to have the D&C tomorrow. I'm don't scared of the procedure, but I'm scared to death to be put under. I'm also very skittish around hospitals, especially after everything that happened with Shawn.

Anyways that is what has been going on with me the last few days. As always sorry this is so long, but I guess I had a lot to say. Maybe I should update everyday instead of every few, to prevent you from reading a long book.

Thank you all again for everything. You have been great to me.