More bad news

I had my follow up ultra sound today with my new Dr's office in Michigan and I'm afraid I have no good news to report.

It looks like I'm having a miscarriage. The ultra sound showed that the baby has stopped growing and still has no heartbeat. At last weeks ultra sound there was a fetal pole and the baby was measuring at 3.1mm, today there was no fetal pole, the yolk sac was gone and the measurement of the baby was 2.0. They also bummed me back even more with how far along I am. Today I measured in at 6 weeks 1 day instead of 6 weeks 5 days. Keep in mind that I know the day we conceived and I should be 7 weeks 5 days, so there is a lot of time that is missing in Little Coin's development.

The Dr. here in Michigan is hoping that since I'm so early I will have a natural miscarriage. If nothing happens by next week I will have to go back and have another ultrasound and then see where to go from there. Dr. said something about if nothing happens naturally in 2 weeks than I will have to have a D&C. As awful as it sounds I would rather have this happen as "natural" as possible. I'm scared out of my fucking mind to have a D&C.

Last week after my ultra sound I was worried but I kept the thought in the back of my mind that for sure this baby would be ok. After all what kind of person/god would make me lose my husband and then our baby within a few weeks of each other. Guess I was wrong in my thinking. I guess Shawn needed our baby more in heaven than I needed it here with me.

I know that the miscarriage isn't my fault but at the same time I feel that I let Shawn down. I wanted this baby so much for me, for my family and for his family. It was going to help us heal after losing Shawn. Everyone was already so excited. My mom and I even went out yesterday and got some baby clothes that were on sale. We were all going to be able to look into this babies eyes and see Shawn. Now we are all left to deal and cope with losing him, and then losing the baby. This all just seems so unfair to me. I don't understand how or why this is all happening. I really don't know how much more I can handle. Shawn told me I was a strong person and I've had several other people tell me that during the last few weeks, but I really don't know how much more I can possibly take right now. My heart is breaking in so many pieces right now.

So I guess for now I wait for the cramping and or bleeding to start and see what happens from there. I'm going to continue to take this one day at a time.

I'm going to keep this blog going, I just don't know when I will post again. It maybe soon, it may not be for a while. I'm thinking sooner than later, but then I'm not sure.

I will keep you all updated and thank you again for the kind words and thoughts you have shared with me over the last 2 weeks, it really has meant a lot.