I had a second Dr's apt. today with the Dr. here in my "new home" of Michigan. There has been no progress or development of the baby since Thursday's ultra sound. The fetal pole is still measuring at 2.0 down from 3.1 at my first apt. back in Ohio and there is still no heartbeat. Meaning that the pregnancy is for sure not a viable one. I was prepared for this, but it still stung when she told me. Dr. also told me today that it looks like the "cells" are starting to move to the center.
We talked about my options and what I wanted to happen. I still would like to see if I can do this as natural as possible on my own. She does feel comfortable with letting me go until the end of next week, and then if nothing has happened at that point and time then I will have to have a D&C. I also talked to her about what I read online about natural miscarriages, over the last week. Some of the stories I have read have been pretty horrible and kind of scared me as well. The Dr. told me there is no way of knowing how "bad" it will be, but she did kind of tell me that people who miscarry this early "typically" don't spend hours in the tub with blood dripping out of them. (sorry to be so graphic, and I don't mean any disrespect to anybody who has gone thru this) but it was just a question I had. She said that usually when the fetal pole is 2.0mm or less, then it is more times than not a bad period with heavier cramps. I told her that if it got to be something I couldn't handle I would go to the ER. So for now we are leaving it to see what my body will do on its own, and then if nothing, a D&C late next week.
Now for my favor, and I'm asking each and every one of you who reads this to please follow thru. With everything that has happened to me over the last 3 weeks and 3 days I have realized just how quickly and suddenly a person's life can be turned upside down.The way in which I have lived my life, and the person that I have lived my life with will never EVER be the same again. I would never have drempt in a million years that 3 Monday's ago when I kissed Shawn goodbye, that he would die in such a tragic way only 3 hours since kissing him at the doorway. Never would I have thought that in just two short weeks after his funeral would I be dealing with a miscarriage and with losing our baby we tried so hard for and wanted so much. But I'm here to tell you, that life is too short and unpredictable to take anything for granted, especially your husband.
I want each and every one of you to make a point tonight to tell your husband that you love him, spend some time with him just the two of you. Talk, enjoy your husband's company, cherish his touch, take time to smell him, and kiss him good night before going to sleep and again before he leaves for work tomorrow morning. These are all things that I can no longer do, and it breaks my heart into a million pieces everyday knowing that these are all things I will never ever get the chance to do again with my one and only true love. But in some way it makes me feel a little better knowing that each of you still have this opportunity. Please please do this, not only for me because it's what I'm asking, but for you, and for your husband. You never know when you won't have the chance to do it again. I'm not trying to scare/depress any of you, its just something I've been thinking about over the last few days.
I think that is all I have to write about for now. I have definitely decided that I'm going to keep this blog going, I don't even think I'm going to change the name of it. It's still my life and my story. I'm going to have to change my intro and my background and take off the ticker, but I think in some way being able to write my feelings down to people other than my family is helping me to heal in some small way. Your words of encouragement have also meant more to me than you know. If I could hug each and every one of you I would. So if you don't mind reading and getting thru some depressing stuff I will keep writing. There will be some happy posts, some mad posts, and I'm sure everything in between. But I think for now this blog is something that is making me feel better.
Please remember the favor I asked of you, it will really mean a lot to me.
43 comments:
I have spent the last several weeks full of complaints about my pregnancy...morning sickness, tired, back aches, you name it, I bitched about it.
But then you lost your husband, and I thought how lucky I was too still have mine..I held onto hope for you that your baby would help you get through this...and then you told us you lost that precious thing as well...from that moment on I vowed to myself and others that I was DONE complaining.
I will cherish the pains, the nights with no sleep, whatever comes my way..because you taught me that I NEED to.
I am so so very sorry you are going through this and wish I could help you.
Please know that I love my husband more today than yesterday because of your wonderful husband..and I love my baby more today than yesterday because of your angel...
My heart just breaks for you all over again with this latest news. I wish I had some words of comfort, but all I know to tell you is to never forget how much God loves you. Even when it seems like life is completely unfair and all that is dear to you has been ripped away, He holds you in the palm of His hand.
Sending hugs and prayers your way today and in the days to come ...
Consider it done.
A million times.
My heart goes out to you.
I'm so sorry for all of your losses. I have no other words that could make you feel better but know you are in my thoughts.
You don't know me-I don't really know you other than online--but the past couple of weeks I have thought of you multiple times--while watching OSU and Youngstown--when I get frustrated with dh--when I look at my IVF miracle--and after reading this blog I'm sure I will think of you many more times--please know that people are thinking of you and praying for you! And I will say a pray for you--every time I follow through with your favor. Words can't express what my heart feels for you--but hopefully you will feel God's grace wrapped around you!
I am so sorry that all of this has happened to you. You are in my thoughts and prayers, and I wish you peace. Please take care of yourself........Laura
All I can say is thank you again to you all for your kind words. Thank you even more for loving your husbands and family more today than yesterday. Live every day that way.
Thank you again, your words are comforting to me.
Jenny
You will get through this. It sucks and it's awful and it shouldn't be this way. But you will get through this. I know this as sure as I'm sitting here typing this, having not lost a husband, but having been through my own personal hell. And whatever you write about, I will be here to read...and offer whatever little comfort I can through the magic of the blogosphere. Please take care of yourself and know that we think of you often...strangers in the computer...and hope you find some peace on this journey.
I just want you to know that you're in my thoughts and prayers. And I'll follow through on the favor, too.
He's upstairs zoning out in front of the tv, and I am downstairs zoning out in front of the computer. I am going to take your advice now. :)
I am so sorry for your losses. Even through your pain you have the kindness of heart to think of us with your "favor."
Will do. Husband should be home soon and I will be sure to hold him tight tonight and every day that I am blessed to be with him.
I'll be praying for you.
Sending many, many hugs your way.
This is only the second time I've read your blog today and both times I've cried my eyes out. Please know that I am here to hold you up if you need it.
My husband and I are also big UM football fans and knowing that we have that in common just makes me feel that much closer to you.
I'm going to be praying very hard for you ... and right now, I'm going to do exactly what you wanted us to do...
HUGS
you are in my thoughts. my heart breaks for you, but you are already showing a great deal of strength as you try to wade through.
i don't have many words of wisdom but will tell you the blog and the support you may find from it could be a great outlet for you in the coming months. i wish you peace and continued strength.
(((hugs)))
I'm going to go grad onto my hubby right now.
I will also go give my husband a hug and kiss. I cant help but wonder...arent you so glad that you did give him a kiss that morning? you were leading by example. I am so sorry that you are going through this hell. but I promise to learn from you, please continue to share. I check your blog a few times a day and think of you even more. Amazing how we can care for someone we only know through words.
I hope you are able to continue to take one step at a time, knowing that there are so many people "out here" walking beside you~
I am so sorry for your losses. There are just no words. I have had 3 miscarriages, but even so my heart is just heavy thinking of the magnitude of your two losses together so I can only begin to imagine what you must be going through. You will be in my thoughts.
And when my husband gets home from a work trip tomorrow, I will take your advice to heart and let him know how glad I am to have him in my arms. I am so sorry you can't do the same with your husband and your baby. I wish there was something to say to take even a tiny grain of your pain away, but I know there isn't. ((hugs))
Jen, I stumbled across your blog from L&F. I'm so so so sorry for your losses. My heart breaks for you having to cope with so much all at once and at the same time I'm filled with admiration that you can write such a beautiful post in the midst of so much heartache and loss.
Thank you for this posting, it has helped clear up something I questioned on my blog yesterday. Thank and strongs to you girl!
((((Hugs))))
Just one of your losses seems as if it would be too much to bear.
But you are managing. Loving your dear husband and baby, living the life you never expected to have to live with grace and dignity.
I wish with all my heart this had never happened to you. I don't know you but I feel like we would be friends if I did.
I will continue to visit and my prayers will be with you.
I'll hug my husband tonight and tell him about you. Know that tonight we'll both be praying for you.
I will do what you say...I hate that you have to go through what you are going through in order to "remind" people of this. No one should have to be as brave as you are being forced to be. Sending you nonstop hugs and prayers and peace.
Jenny ... you don't know me from a bar of soap, but I have been thinking of you.
I will do what you asked ..... my husband is in the middle of chemo treatment for cancer, and sleeps upstairs now, but I WILL snuggle up with him and smell him and kiss him goodnight.
I am utterly terrified of losing him.
I wish you peace, and strength in your spirit, as you walk forward. Keep blogging - the good, the bad, the ugly, all of it. We hear you, and you are not alone.
XOXO
I just wanted to share my story with you - I had a natural miscarriage at 3 months. Its not pleasant - its just like regular labor & delivery - but its not as horrible as you may think. If you want to know more, I'll be more than happy to share with you!
Keep being strong!
You are so right. I don't have a baby & never will, but I still have my dh & I am so thankful for that. But these last 10 years or so have taught me that we never know what the day has in store for us, so we'd better make it a good one. Wishing you continued strength for the days ahead. (((hugs)))
Thank you, for asking this favor of me - of all of us.
Know that there are many, many hands here, doing our best to lift you up. Many hearts, wishing only the best for you. Many souls sending up prayers for you to find peace.
Hi, I'm here from L&F, sending hugs and prayers for your emotional and physical healing. I will definitely take your advice about my DH as soon as he gets home from work.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Thank you for asking us to acknowledge and appreciate our blessings in the face of your losses... Consider it done on my side - for myself and for you in memory of your Shaun and your baby...
xxx
i do and will continue. Your an inspiration Jenny. Truly an inspiration.
Thank you for this post. I love and appreciate my husband so much and I definitely don't tell him enough. My heart goes out to you. Thank you for thinking about us during your time of need.
My miscarriage was similar to yours. There was a fetal pole, but never a heart beat. I was scared to go through with the D&C so I didn't schedule it until two weeks after it was confirmed that my baby was not viable. I started to miscarry at home the night before and the cramps were tougher than I expected but the whole thing was over in about eight hours. It's probably different for everyone, though.
I would highly recommend keeping your blog. After my miscarriage, I wasn't prepared for the hormone changes and I felt like I was going crazy at times. And I hadn't been through half as much as you have. I was able to come here, pour my heart out and it was so comforting to have strangers tell me I would be okay.
I am here for you if you need anything. We all are!
I'm so so SO sorry for your losses. Life is precious; even more so when we lose those we love.
Regarding your miscarriage, and whether or not to let it occur naturally - I have had two miscarriages, and both went naturally. Both times the miscarriage was not diagnosed until at least 3 weeks after development stopped and both times I passed the majority of the tissue within 4 days of the diagnosis. This last time, just two weeks ago, I was told by the perinatologist that it could take up to a month for the tissue to expel, and not to worry about it.
For me, the cramping is uncomfortable, but not painful. I was able to continue with all daily activities. The heavy bleeding is like the mother of all periods and lasts about a week, with spotting for another week.
My recent miscarriage occurred 8 months after my son was stillborn. I've struggled with how something like this can happen. After losing my son, I figured that there was no way that I could have to go through another loss. Luck had to be on my side. I was wrong. But, I know I will get through this loss, and I know a day is coming when I won't feel so bad. I just have to hang in there.
You hang in there too. There are many many people thinking of you, and hanging on to their husbands a little tighter.
I promise.
I am so, so sorry for these absolutely tragic events in your life. I am speechless. I am so sorry. Millions of virtual hugs to you.
You are in my prayers today. I'm amazed at your strength and courage. Thank you for sharing even the horrible stuff.
I'm not here to give any unwanted advice but just wanted you to know that out of 6 miscarriages, I've experienced 3 natural and 3 D&C. In fact, with my first m/c someone urged me to make one choice and I really regretted it later. There's no guarantee that our losses will be at all similar, but if I can answer any question you have I would be glad to help, whichever decision you make.
Praying for comfort and peace.
This morning I woke up with the pain of heartburn and rush of nausea, and for some reason, I thought about you...I had clicked over to your blog from Lost and Found a couple weeks back but I can't recall if I actually posted or not. For whatever reason, I awoke today and thought that I really needed to look up your blog and come and check on you. I also thought that your story was such a great reminder to me to be grateful for what I have, instead of focusing on the challenges, to focus on all I do have.
So when I come to my reader and see your update in today's Lost and Found...I was shocked. I'm so sorry for how things have been happening in your life these last few weeks. I don't know how you are managing, you are indeed very strong to have made it this far.
Thank you for reminding us to be grateful, to appreciate our husbands and families. I'm away from mine for another week, but when we are together again, I will be appreciating and loving him more than ever.
I'm thinking of you and praying for you.
I am so very very sorry for your losses. I cannot imagine the pain you are feeling and wish you peace and comfort at home.
I am originally from Michigan and was touched by the funeral description.
Please know that what you said here about husbands has made me re-appreciate my own. Thank you.
I'm not married anymore, but if I were I would do just as you asked.
I hope you keep on blogging, it's a great way to get out emotions that you otherwise might keep inside.
One foot in front of the other, Jen. That's all you can do right now. We'll be here, every step of the way, with our collective arms around you.
My heart just breaks for you.
I will follow through with what you have asked. I need to. You are so right - you just don't know what is going to happen one minute to the next.
Praying for you.
I don't kiss him before I go to bed or when we leave in the morning, but I will definitly start doing that every day. I am so sorry for your losses. Hugs!
Oh sweetie, when I read what was happening with the bean I literally think my heart started to ache for you. Sometimes sorry just can't say enough. If you need someone to talk to about your m/c...questions, experiences, please let me know, and I will be glad to share with you.
As for your request, consider it done. I know there are days when I take for granted my family and especially my husband,and although I feel guilty for those times I always think "well, I will make up for it tomorrow"...the truth is, no one ever knows if that tomorrow is going to come. You said it beautifully....((hugs))
That is a favor I will gladly do. We've never spoken before, but I've been following your story and it just breaks my heart. I am so sorry for your losses.
I will honor your favor. My heart continues to go out to you, and I will continue to pray for God to comfort you.
**HUGS**
A few days late, but I'm honoring your request. You have made me so much more appreciative these last few weeks. Thank you.
Stay strong and keep writing.
I just came across you blog today (through Bring the Rain) and just wanted to say how much my heart goes out to you.
My Stepdad passed away on Sep. 3rd and my Mom has shared your similar thoughts with me in regards to appreciating my husband.
Thank you for your blog and for your insight.
I am so so sorry for your loss. I just came across your blog and I just want to say what an amazing woman you are and that you have really changed how I am going to live my life going forward. I can't thank you enough for writing this.
I clicked on your blog link from "Missing Cooper," and if you want to know a little more about me and how I ended up in this blog loop, if you want it's posted on her blog, and it's a little long to even remember again.
When I scrolled down the 1st page of your blog I read your husband's last letter to you.
I knew immediately that I was led here after reading what he said about your struggles as a couple and how proud he was to be going through them with you. That really touched my heart, and helps me to appreciate more the bad days that me and my husband have had, some which have been very bad emotionally...that caused me to become emotionally detached, which wasn't a comfort, and the bad days we will continue to have as a couple.
After reading and thanks for sharing such a personal letter from your husband, and after scrolling back in your blog to here this post of "Please do me a favor" was already working and helped to reinforce what your husband said in his last letter too you, and also helped me to reinforce more what I have actually thought about in the last few weeks off/on.
You and your husband have also helped me to feel even emotionally closer to my husband than I already have begun again.
I appreciate your willingness to share so openly and honestly and candidly from the heart more than you know.
I will return to your blog and visit again.
Thank You!
Heartfelt Blessings,
amanda
MB, SC
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