Puppy Shopping

My family and I are going puppy shopping tonight! I'm really excited!! Well actually we are going to go and see a litter of puppies that were born last Friday. They are Boston Terrier puppies. At first I was just going to go and look at them, but now the whole family is on board with the puppy thing and we are all going to go look at them tonight. If there is one that I want then I will put the deposit down on it tonight. They will be ready to go home on October 30. That is two days before my 31st birthday, so I figure it will be a nice birthday gift to myself. Plus Shawn always made a big deal about my birthday and we always wanted to get a dog, but couldn't where we lived. So I think this might be fate telling me that this is the puppy for me.

Over the last few days I've done a lot of research on the different breed of dogs. The Boston Terrier is a very nice breed of dog, that loves people and loves to be loved. Just the type of dog that I need. Also shedding is minimal, and they usually only bark when someone pulls into the driveway. They are also a very smart dog and train easily. My brother has one and he is a great little dog. So maybe Porter will be getting a cousin to play with soon. I will keep you all updated.

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Today is 6 weeks since Shawn has been gone, 42 days. In one aspect it feels like it was yesterday and in another it feels like it was forever ago. I think it feels like that because I miss him so much. I feel empty I miss him so much. Nancy said something one day last week on her blog about how and why a person's heart hurts. I always kind of thought a "heart ache" was a made up type of thing, like when you are a teenager and break up with your first boyfriend and you think your heart is breaking. But after losing Shawn I'm here to tell you that a heart break/ache is a very real thing. I miss him so much my heart actually hurts. Sometimes it hurts like an empty feeling, sometimes it actually aches, and sometimes it feels like somebody is squeezing my heart, that is usually the feeling I get right before I cry about missing him. I now know that a breaking/aching heart is real, and I don't like it. It sucks and I hate the feeling. It hurts the most at night when I'm trying to go to sleep and I'm in our bed all by myself. Then I roll over smell the shirt Shawn had on the day before he died, and I'm usually ok then. I hope and pray you all never ever have to experience an aching heart like this.

I guess I'm doing ok. I'm taking it a day at a time. Some days are good and some days are bad. I went shopping on Friday night and for the most part had a good time. Then we went to Wal-Mart (family central) and it really started to bother me. I was starting to have a hard time seeing all the cute perfect couples together and was actually starting to feel mad that they were happy together, and I wasn't so happy and was by "myself" (I was with my mom and sister but you get what I mean). That night I went home and I think I had the hardest cry I've had since Shawn died. I cried so hard my shirt looked like I had ran a marathon my shirt was so wet with tears. I cried for almost 2 hours, crying myself to sleep with Shawn's t-shirt wrapped around me. During my crying spell our friend the Coach called me, he tried his hardest to make me feel better, and told me it was ok to cry that hard. He was great, he just sat on the phone and listed to me cry and said he felt bad that he wasnt' there with me. When I woke up I did feel better, eyes were crazy puffy, but I felt better. Maybe I had to just get it out.

While I was at the funeral home making all the arrangements I ordered a necklace. At first it was something I was going to give to the baby, so the baby always had a part of their daddy, but now the necklace is something I'm wearing. The necklace is a pendant of Shawn's thumb print. They took an impression of Shawn's thumb print, then they casted it in gold and at the very top of the print they put Shawn's birth stone (same as mine we were both born in Nov). On the back of the print they engraved it with "A touch of Shawn forever" I wear it next to the journey pendant Shawn gave me last year for my birthday. When I feel like I'm missing him a lot I can touch the pendant and kind of get to feel him at the same time. At first I thought it was kind of creepy, but now I'm really glad I have it and love wearing it.
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I'm feeling better since having the D&C. I woke up on Thursday morning and actually felt "good". This was the best I have felt in over a month. It was the first day I didn't throw up in a month. I still don't feel "normal" or "right", but I think I'm getting there. I don't really know what normal will be anymore. I took it really easy over the weekend. I can't start working out again until I get the all clear from the Dr. next week. But then I'm going to start hitting my elliptical machine, and lifting weights again. I've lost almost 20 pounds in the last 6 weeks. My clothes are huge and I actually had to go buy new clothes. I haven't worn a size 7 jeans in years. So I figure I might as well start working out and try to continue the "healthy life style" Shawn and I had started the month before he died.

Gosh, I'm soo sorry this got so long, but I wanted to update you all since I haven't posted in a few days. I will try not to write so much in every post. I think I should post everyday instead of posting a book every few days.

Thank you all for everything, you are great. I will update about the puppy soon.