So What's So Special About The One Year Mark?

At Shawn's funeral I remember a number of people telling me, "You will be ok, you just need to get through the first year." At that moment in time I was thinking the same thing. Well actually I was thinking just hurry up and get the first year over with. I wasn't so sure about the 'ok' part right then. With the one year anniversary of Shawn's death just five short days away I have been asking myself the following question... What's so special about the one year anniversary?

There have been periods of time throughout this last year that I wanted time to fly by. I needed time to go by faster than it was, because the days were just too painful without Shawn. My heart hurt from missing him. To quote one of Sarah's songs I was "wishing time away". I needed the time to go by faster so I could get to the "magical one year" quicker. I think I felt this way until I reached the sixth month point. Then at six months I realized, "Oh my gosh!! Shawn has been gone for six months, time needs to slow down a little" Although, I didn't want it to slow down too much. Have I totally confused you now?

I will relate it to the post I did about New Years Eve in a small way. http://taleoftwocoins.blogspot.com/2009/01/good-bye-2008.html Remember how in that post I talked about not wanting 2008 to come to an end because that was another end to "JennyandShawn"? Well now at the one year mark I feel the same way but for a slightly different reason. The part of me that doesn't want this horrible first year to end is the part of me that doesn't want people to start forgetting Shawn. I have a fear (I know a probably irrational one) that now that the one year is just about here that people will slowly start to forget about Shawn, who he was, and what a great husband he was to me. That thought breaks my heart. It seriously makes me want to cry. I will ALWAYS remember and love Shawn and I want others to always remember him as well. Is that selfish of me? I also have to say that I'm a little afraid of what crossing into year two means for me. Are people going to automatically assume that my life is all great and good because I made it through the one year? I think some will and some will not. Are people going to understand that in year two I'm still going to have bad days? Again, I think some people will understand, but I think some will not as well. In year two are my friends going to get sick of me having 'bad' days? I highly doubt it because I have the best friends ever, but I also wonder if they ever get 'sick' of me calling crying. I know and I really do believe that this year is going to be better. I know I have big things in store for me. I'm still trying to figure me out and I also now that I deserve happiness once again. I also however know that bad days will sneak up on me during this second year.

Several people have told me that year two is in many ways harder than the first year because the shock has totally worn off and reality has set it. Well, I'm choosing not to believe that! What an awful thought! I may eat my words later this year but other than being lonely I really don't see how it could get worse. Reality set in for me the second the doctor told me that Shawn didn't make it. Reality was going to say good-bye to Shawn in the hospital room, still attached the the amboo bag. Reality was going to bed that first night without him, waking up the next morning alone in our bed, and doing that every morning and night sense. Reality was picking out his favorite UofM jersey and jeans so he could be buried in it. Reality was kissing his casket before it was buried in the earth. Reality has been living each and everyday of this year without him. Reality will be going to the cemetary on Tuesday to put flowers on his grave and see his name staring back at me. I can't imagine the second year being anymore real. Like I said I may eat my words, but for now I have to believe that year two will be much better.

So before I stare year two into the face I ask myself again..."What's so special about the one year mark?

To be honest with you, I really don't know what makes the one year so "special". Is it the fact that I've....
-gotten through all of the "firsts",
-lived 365 days without Shawn when I was used to living every day with Shawn,
-started to find my "new normal",
-begun to smile, and make new memories,
-realized I want to again be happy one day,
-been blessed with several amazing friends that I would have never of met had Shawn not died,
-that I still think about Shawn every single day through all the great memories I had with him,
-made it through the worst two things events in my entire life.

Is it the fact that Shawn...
-is in a much better place right now than I am,
-and our baby are together in heaven,
-and our baby are now my two Guardian Angels
-our baby and I will all see each other again one day
These are the things that I'm deciding makes the one year special. I don't think it's so much about me as it is about Shawn. The one year mark is about remembering him, and how great he was. I'm still not a hundred percent sure how I will spend Tuesday. I think for me in a totally selfish way I need to make it as "normal" of a day as possible, but at the same time I want to spend some time remembering him, what he did, what he enjoyed, and what he loved. Last summer we bought and watched the entire season of the West Wing. The day Shawn died, we had only four episodes left...I may just watch the remaining four. I think he would be happy if I was finally able to watch and finish our favorite show.

As this first year without Shawn comes to an end I know it does not mean that I will ever stop missing or loving him. I miss Shawn so so much...I miss him more now then the very first night without him. Everyday I miss him more. My heart still aches for him and still has a very empty feeling, that part of my heart will always belong to Shawn. I will ALWAYS love Shawn, he will always be my one and only first love, he will always be the person I wanted to grow old and gray with, I will love him every single minute of my life, I will love him until the day that I die and we are reunited again.

I think more importantly at five days shy of one year since the day my entire life drastically changed I have come to feel a peaceful feeling. Does this feeling mean that I like any of this? No absolutely not. I still HATE the fact that this is my life and that Shawn is no longer here on earth with me. I will still have bad days. What it does mean is that I have accepted what has happened. I am no longer asking the why's to this. There is no reason to ask these questions any more. There are no answers to any of the questions. As my friend Sarah says, "This isn't the life I would have chosen for myself, however, this is the life that God has chosen for me, and I have to walk in it the best way I know how" That is what this peaceful feeling has meant to me. I don't have to like it, but I need to take what I have learned from the loss of Shawn and start applying it to my life. Over the last year I have learned so much about myself, things I don't know if I would have figured out before. I also know that I have a lot more to figure out yet, but I think that is going to be an ongoing process.

And you know what else...at almost a year I can now say that the days are starting to get better, that I am smiling a bit more, and that I am looking forward to living my 'new life'.