A Long Journey to a 'Peaceful' Feeling

As I mentioned in my last post the one year mark of Shawn's death is quickly approaching. In just 16 days I will be staring August 18, 2009 straight in the eye. I can not believe that one year has gone by so incredibly fast. As I've said many times before there is one half of me that feels like the events of August 18, 2008 happened just yesterday. While there is much of the time after Shawn's death that I do not remember, I do remember every detail of that day and I think I always will. Then there is the other half of me that feels like the events of August18, 2008 happened much much longer than one year ago. It is an odd feeling to feel both in my mind and in my heart. Another feeling that I have been experiencing the last few weeks is one of peace. Peace huh? Yes, in the last few weeks I have had a peaceful feeling come over me. In this post I'm going to try and explain this feeling. To get to this peaceful point I'm going to take you on my year journey. Stay with me, it may get long. Correction...I know it will get long, but I think it will be worth it in the end.

In the months immediately following Shawn's death and the miscarriage I had anything but a peaceful feeling stirring in me. I was sad, upset, angry, bitter, and very very lost feeling. I didn't know who I was without Shawn. I know all of these are very normal feelings to have following a death. For the first few months I would just sit either in my room or the living room in my P.J's and watch countless hours of "What Not To Wear" Although, I did learn a thing about fashion I really wasn't doing anything for myself. Again, taking that time was something I think I needed and I don't regret it. After all I wasn't only grieving for Shawn, but for our baby, and for my life how I once knew it. It was going to take time to get to that next stage.


At the end of December, four months after Shawn I did something that I had never in my life done before. Some of you may remember this, but for those who do not here is what happened. One night I was talking to a friend of both Shawn and I. This friend suggested meeting halfway between where they lived and where I lived for a night so we could hang out and talk. Are you kidding me?! I was supposed to drive in winter, in a car, by myself! What?! I know this sounds totally crazy to many of you. But it's true, I had never once in my 31 years of life driven anywhere over thirty minutes by myself. I had either been with a family member, a friend, or with Shawn. I was never what you would call the adventurous type. I told my friend that I would have to thing about it. That night I while in bed I began thinking that my mind set was just plain stupid. I wanted to see my friend, and I wanted to hang out with them. There was nothing preventing me from making the drive. If I ever wanted to go anywhere again, especially to see my friends in Youngstown I was going to have to suck it up, gain some independence and get behind the wheel. Once I made it to our meeting place I was so gosh darn proud of myself. I did it!! Alone!! That moment gave me the push that I greatly needed to make future drives. That is when I started making regular trips to see my friends in Youngstown. Although I still hadn't reached a feeling of peace by a long shot, I was figuring out who I was and who I wanted to become.


People told me that in months 6,7, 8, and 9 things would start to become 'easier'. Huh? I remember thinking...well ok when are things going to get easier...when? For me these were the worst months. I don't know if I felt like this because it was winter time or just what exactly but I cried more in these months than I did in the time right after Shawn's death. I cried A LOT mostly at night time, I was very short tempered, I was scared, and I hated what had happened to me. A 'good' thing that came to me during this time frame was the fact that I did realize that I wanted to be happy again. I realized after not thinking so that yes, I did eventually want to find love again. I realized that I wanted to have another chance at happiness and a family. During this time I also began to really question the 'whys' to all of this. Why me? Why was Shawn the one who had to die? Why did I have to lose our baby, when that was the one thing that would always be there to remind me of Shawn? Why did God 'make' Shawn die? So on top of really facing my grief I had all these questions floating around in my head. No wonder I was such a 'mess' during this time.


I'm getting to the peaceful feeling...I promise! Stay with me!


Finally summer hit...what a relief! If I saw snow or had to feel the cold air for one more day I swear to each of you I was getting on the plane to the next warm, sunny destination. Yes, Kristin I may have been moving in with you down there in Texas. June marked the ten month mark of Shawn being gone. I remember thinking to myself I can't believe that it has already been 10 months. You know what they say..."Time flies when you are having fun!" Yeah, right...it's been a blast!! (note the sarcasm) Anyways, around the end of June I was making another trip to Youngstown. While in the car I was talking to one of my best friends Meg. (the one who lives in Chicago) We started talking about church, about God,why things happen, and how God has helped Meg in her life. Well, our conversation got cut short, but it left me thinking many. many things. I had a great time in Youngstown as always, but was also kind of 'struggling' with these thoughts at the same time.


Then 11 months after Shawn's death I experienced yet another first. As most of you know I got in a plane and flew to Chicago by myself and spent a week with Megan and her family. I carried my own luggage, found baggage claim on my own, checked in by myself, found my way through a huge airport, and made my connecting flight. ALONE!! This is huge people...I'm telling you this is something that I never would have done before. I would have depended on Shawn to help with all of that. You know what? I wasn't even one bit nervous. It was the morning that I left for Chicago that I experienced my first sense of peace and I knew I could do it. I can honestly say that my visit with Megan and her family was one of the best weeks that I've had during this year.


One night Megan and I were driving home from her sister's house. As usual we were talking... I know right two best friends talking...amazing! However, this time we were talking about the baby. I told Megan that I really had come to terms with the miscarriage. I had come to terms with the fact that our baby just wasn't meant to be for whatever reason. I told her that I had accepted all of that, but what I didn't understand and was still trying to wrap my arms around where the whys. Why if all the people that told me they were praying for me and for the baby, why didn't their prayers work? Was it because in the moments after the doctor came in and told me about Shawn, I said that I didn't even want this baby. Gasp now! Yes I did say that, and if I could take back one action of that day it would be me saying those horrible words. That is what I didn't understand. Meg then looked at me and with tears in her eyes she told me that she couldn't explain that. What she did tell me was that she believes that God does have a plan for me. That one day I will find real happiness again. As far as the baby goes Meg again with tears, said she didn't have the answer. What she felt in her heart was that being a parent of a baby with a spouse was hard enough, the hardest job that she has ever had. She told me that she couldn't imagine raising an infant, alone, with no husband. She told me she couldn't begin to imagine grieving the loss of her husband while at the same time loving and taking care of their baby. Then on the other hand she told me what an amazing blessing it would be to have our child and to always see Shawn in them. It's kind of a catch 22 if you think about it. There is no right answer to why I had a miscarriage. There is no right answer to any of it. There is just acceptance and a sense of peace that I have been feeling about all of it. A peace that was finally beginning to come to me at 11 months.


The next morning Meg and I were talking once again. Remember this post: http://taleoftwocoins.blogspot.com/2009/06/deep-deep-thought-i-had.html. This was the post where I talked about the struggles that Shawn and I had. Not struggles with each other or our marriage but with just life in general and the many 'lows' the two of us faced. I asked Meg about it and I asked her this question, "Do you think that Shawn had to die, because the two of us were never going to be one hundred percent happy?" Not one hundred percent happy with each other, but happy with the direction that our life was possibly going. She looked at me and again with tears she told me that all Shawn ever wanted was for me to be happy. She was right...that was what Shawn always wanted and I was lucky enough to know that. Shawn loved me with his entire heart and only wanted the best for me. Anyways, Meg went onto say that over the years she saw my attitude start to change. She told me that when she first met me I was always happy, and upbeat. Then as time went on and as Shawn and I began to face those hard situations time after time, she saw my attitude change as well. She said I was no longer the 'happy' girl she had met in school, that I had happy moments but was also down a lot of the time. She was right. She told me that there is no reason why Shawn died, other than it was in God's plan and it really isn't for any of us to try to understand. She told me that she was grateful that Shawn had taught me so much in our life together. Meg told me that it was Shawn who helped instill the strength that I had been displaying for the last 11 months. She also told me that while this has been the hardest time of my entire life, she has started to see some of the happiness return in me. She told me she was so proud of me for doing things that I never would have done before. Later that night we all went to bed pretty early. It was then while I was laying in bed thinking about what to do on the one year mark of Shawn's death that I had a total sense of peace, comfort, and calmness come over me. It came out of no where and I was actually kind of shocked by the feeling.

This feeling has now been with me for about two and a half weeks. Does this new peaceful feeling mean I will no longer have bad days. Absolutely not! I could have a bad day at any given moment, and you know what, I think that is totally normal and to be expected. As a matter of fact the other day at the gym I found myself in tears out of no where. There was no trigger, just instant tears. I left the gym and found myself out at the cemetery. I think I just needed to be with Shawn for a while, I needed to 'talk' with him and to feel close to him. I had one heck of a good cry and then was 'ok' the rest of the day. What this peaceful feeling does mean is that I am no longer going to ask they why's to all of this. Asking these questions is not going to change one...single...thing. Asking the why's is not going to bring Shawn, our baby, or my old life back to me. All it is going to do is continue to make things harder for me in my healing process. I can no longer ask these questions. I have to accept what has happened and learn from them.

This peaceful feeling also doesn't mean that I have to like what happened to me. To be one hundred percent honest with you all, I still hate it! I hate that I no longer get to see Shawn every day, I hate the fact that I can no longer smell him, talk to him, feel his arms around me, or hear Shawn say he loves me and that everything will be ok. I hate all of that, but at the same time I have to start living my new life, the life I never thought I would be living. As my friend Sarah says, "This isn't the life I would have chosen for myself, however, this is the life that God has chosen for me, and I have to walk in it the best way I know how" That is what this peaceful feeling has meant to me. I don't have to like it, but I need to take what I have learned from the loss of Shawn and start applying it to my life. Over the last year I have learned so much about myself, things I don't know if I would have figured out before. I also know that I have a lot more to figure out yet, but I think that is going to be an ongoing process.

For the last several weeks I have really been thinking and praying about what to do on the one year of Shawn's death. I have a few ideas but I still don't know exactly what I want to do on this day. I'm guessing as the day draws closer the perfect way will come to me. When I packed up our house in Youngstown I donated most of Shawn's clothes to the football team. I kept some of my favorite items of Shawn's and put them in my closet here at home. As I was going through our closet in Yougstown I took all of Shawn's T-shirts. There was A LOT of them. I picked out my favorite ones and set them aside. My mom told me she would make a quilt of of these t-shirts for me. When my mom was off of work during Christmas time she wanted to know if I was ready to cut up the shirts so she could start the quilt. At that moment the thought of cutting up his shirts put me in tears. At that time I was NOT ready to cut up his clothes. However, with this new feeling of peace I am now ready. It dawned on me that it is kind of silly to keep a big Rubbermaid tub in my closet filled with Shawn's shirts. It is only taking up room. Keeping the shirts doesn't mean Shawn is coming back to wear them. They no longer smell like Shawn, they smell like plastic. So sometime in the next few weeks I'm going to start cutting them up and laying them out how I would like the quilt to look, so my mom can begin sewing it. Then after it is finished I will put it on my bed. Does this mean I will not cry when I begin to cut them? I'm totally expecting to have tears as I start to cut up the shirts, but again that is ok.

Two more things and then I'm done with this post...I promise. If you made it this far I'm about sure you are ready to dig your eyes out. If you have made it this far...I thank you.

This peaceful feeling has also helped me to realize that I will always and forever be effected by Shawn's death, but in a much greater way than losing the love of my life. Shawn and I grew up together, we learned a lot from each other, we went through a lot together, and Shawn instilled in me the strength that I didn't even know I had. For his love and for his gift of strength I will be forever grateful to him. I will love him for ever and ever, nothing and nobody will ever change that. However, by living through this last year I have also realized that Shawn's death has helped to define who I am and who I will be in the future. I look so many things differently now than I did almost a year ago. I've learned to enjoy life a bit more and to not take it for granted. I try really hard not to sweat the small stuff, I try to go with the flow a little bit more than I once did. At the end of every day I try to remind myself to be thankful for at least one thing.

Ok, last thing and them I'm done. Again, as many of you know before Shawn died I never went to church. I mean never! I can't begin to tell you the last time I was in a church. Since his death I will tell you that with the help of my friend Sarah, and her friends that are now my friends as well, Marnie, Collette and Sandy I have now started attending a church. Do I go every Sunday...no I don't, but I would say I go on a regular basis now and if I were a beating person I would have to say that this is where some of this peaceful feeling has come from as well. There have been times that I have been brought to tears when listening to the message for the day and other times where I listen and take in the message but it doesn't really 'hit' me like others have. Today however was a message that really spoke to me. Today the Pastor began a six week series on "How to Live Life Through Troubled Times" This could really be any problem in your life, not just death. Today's message really touched me. He said sometimes in life there are no answers, that things just happen. Sometimes we are left with no answers and these are the times when we need to put our trust in God and that is what will help you through that difficult time, this is where the peace and comfort will assist you.

Thank you for reading this, I know it got really long, but I wanted to share this with you, as you have all been there every step of the way. At the end of today's message the Pastor put up the following set of words on the screen. As I read these words I again felt that feeling of peace and calmness. I'm going to end this post by leaving these words for you all to read and for you all to take your own meaning from.

"Some things in life you can not escape, but you will live through them and become better because of them."