Three Days Into Year Two...and Doing O.K.

Well I'm three days into year two and I'm doing ok. Kind of funny how I'm still counting huh? I think I will always be counting now.

Before I get to the 'meat' of the post I want to thank each and every one of you. Thank you for all the comments left on my blog, they were all so sweet, touching and caring. Thank you as well for all of the prayer for both myself and for Shawn, that really meant a lot to me. During the last few days I have also received countless emails asking how I'm doing and people telling me that I have been in their thoughts and prayers. If you are somebody who has emailed me I will be getting back to you in the next few days. A year later it still amazes me the love and support I have gotten from people I have never met. You guys are awesome and I'm happy to call you all my friends.

I stared writing this post on Wednesday but didn't have the words for some reason. The last few days I have been just plain TIRED! I think with all the excitement and emotions that went with Sarah's wedding on Saturday, then leading up to Tuesday, and the day itself I'm just plain wore out. It has been an emotional last few days, heck, it has been an emotional last year and I think the last few days it all caught back up with me. I have been explaining the way I feel to people is kind of like when you were a kid the day after Christmas. You spend several weeks looking forward to something, then the day happens, and then the next day there is a let down and the day is no different. Not that I was looking forward to Tuesday, because trust me when I say, I was NOT, but I had been gearing myself up for it for the last year, and even more so for the last month. I made it through Tuesday ok, but then Wednesday I woke up and my life was no different. I woke up with the feeling of, "ok..you made it through the last year, now this is your life" that in itself was emotional. However, three days into year two I'm doing ok. I know this year will have lots of first as well, first time going back to work, possibly the first time going back to school, possible the first place of my own, the first year of really trying to start living my life again. Again, overwhelming, exciting and scary all at the same time. See lots of emotions I still get to deal with! I know though that I will get through this year with my family, friends, and all of you just as I have this past year.



Many of you have asked how I spent the day on Tuesday, so as with everything else I'm going to share with you what I did on the one year anniversary of Shawn's death. I knew for me to get through the day I needed it to be as 'normal' of a day as possible.



Actually it started on Monday afternoon. I received a card in the mail from one of my best friends Meg. She wanted to tell me that she was thinking about me and praying for me and that if I needed her to give her a call. The card had the best message in it and note from her. Monday night my cell phone began to ring about 6:00 p.m from some of my friends letting me know that they would be there for me all day if I needed or wanted them. Well most of my friends gave me the option. Jennie just informed me that she was going to be calling all day long whether I wanted her to or not. (gotta love her!) Anyways, before I went to bed on Monday night both my parents and my sister got me some beautiful flowers to brighten up my day a bit. These were from my parents and the single rose was from my sister. Pretty huh?

Just before I fell asleep on Monday night I realized that one year that night was the last night that I got to sleep with Shawn in our bed, it was the last night that I got to curl up into his arms and fall asleep, it was the last time that I got to kiss him good night. That brought a few tears to my eyes but I managed not to all out lose it. Then on Tuesday morning I woke up for some reason at 6:30, I never wake up that early unless I have to, but then I remembered that a year ago that morning at that exact same time I gave Shawn his last kiss before he went to work. I'm not sure if that was really the reason I woke up but it was another memory, and a few more tears.

Then at promptly 8:30 just like she said she would Jennie started calling me. Then from there on out Jennie called me every hour on the hour. Her calling actually made me laugh. I would answer the phone and she would say, "Whatcha doin now?" Then we would talk for a few minutes until the next time. She is seriously one of the greatest friends ever!

After my wake up call I decided to get up and go to the gym. I work out every day and I knew that was something I wanted to do on Tuesday. I just feel so much less stress and feel much better after I work out. I had a great work out. I did my usual two mile run and then lifted. All things considered I had a great workout, I really pushed myself that day. At one point during my workout I looked at the clock and realized that it was only one hour until the time of Shawn's death. That left me worked up and with a big lump in my throat. A few minutes after that I left the gym. I wanted to go get flowers to take out to Shawn's grave. I don't know why but I needed to be out at his grave at the time of his death. When I got to my car I kid you not I had about 10 text messages and voice mails from my friends. Have I mentioned I have the best friends ever?!

One of the messages was from a florist. There was a delivery for me and she wondered when I could come pick it up or it could be dropped off. I thought a delivery for me huh? Since I wanted to get flowers for Shawn I decided to pick them up. This beautiful arrangement was from my friend Lora, another amazing friend who was with me at the hospital the day Shawn died. Lora had meeting on and off most of the day, but she told me that if I needed anything, to text her and she would be able to text back and if she really needed to she would leave the meeting to call me. Again, a great friend.

I decided to get Shawn a dozen yellow roses to put at his grave. Well that and an awful tacky looking balloon that was in the shape of a heart and had lips all over it and said "I love you!" Shawn would have hated it, but it made me laugh so I got that to go along with the flowers. I made it out to the cemetery a few minutes before his time of death and arraigned the flowers and balloon. I did my usual...I talked to him and told him I missed him so very much. Then I just kind of sat there for a while and kind of took everything in. I told Shawn that I have no idea what my future hold but whatever happens not to worry because I will always love him, and that there will always be an empty spot in my heart where he belongs. Then I told him thank you for being my Guardian Angel and that I couldn't imagine a better person to watch over me. Then I told him I loved him and left.

I am not kidding you when I say my phone rang non-stop on Tuesday. I seriously think I talked to every single person that I know, some of them multiple times. Three of the Coach's even called me several different times of the day. Those guys have been great as well, and I'm so glad that they are all still in my life. Have I mentioned that I have the greatest friends? I even received a text from some of my friends husbands. How sweet is that? Sarah even called me from her honeymoon two different times to see how I was doing.

Tuesday after the gym my mom and I went out with one of my friends Collette. The three of us just sat and talked about Sarah's wedding while we ate lunch. Collette 'blocked' out the whole day for me just in case I needed something. After lunch I came home and tried to take a nap but my phone just kept ringing. I finally realized I was really tired and I put my phone on vibrate for a while so I could take a quick nap. After a half hour doze I had 5 texts from people. Great friends once again.

Tuesday night I had already planned to go watch The Time Traveler's Wife with one of my new friends who lost her husband this year as well. Yes, two new widows decided to watch that movie. I'm not going to talk about the movie here, I'm saving that for another post. All I will say is that we both cried...right along with the entire theater. Patty gave me the biggest hug ever in the parking lot after the movie. We both stood there hugging each other and crying our eyes out...people must have thought we were a little crazy. However, it's a strange comfort you get from somebody who knows exactly what you are going through.

Before I went to the movie I decided to go to the mall. I know...shopping. A few weeks ago I saw one of the cutest UofM t-shirts I have seen in a long time at Victoria's Secret. It was way too expensive and I would never spend that much money on a T-shirt. Then the more I thought about it the more I thought I should get it. A year ago, I bought a UofM t-shirt to wear to Shawn's funeral, so I thought why not get one as a way to mark the one year anniversary of his death. Actually, as I'm typing this I think I may have just stared a new tradition for myself. I think every year on August 18 I will buy some sort of UofM t-shirt. I think Shawn would LOVE that!

When I got home from the movie I again had more emails from people. Kristin who has become a great blogging and facebook friend left me a very nice email. I think Kristin summed it up best when she said, "You know that you will never get over losing Shawn. You are getting through it but never over it. No matter what your future becomes from here, Shawn will always be a part of you. Some might say he’s a part of your past, but honey, he’s a part of your future too. Your years with him have shaped you into who you are now and who you will continue to grow to be." When I read that I got tears in my eyes, she is right...I will NEVER get over the loss of Shawn. Shawn will ALWAYS be a part of me and he helped to make me who I am today. Thank you Kristin!

Right around midnight was the last time I talked to Jennie. Well actually it was around 1:00 am when we stopped talking to each other. We talked some about the day, some about Shawn, about me, and we talked about other things. She went and got in the shower, but then she came back and we talked some more. Jennie, who is usually the funny non serious one of the bunch had some really sweet things to tell me. She is one of my 'sticks' and one of my best friends. She has been sleeping with her phone every night this week just in case I need something. I have the best friends ever!

Tuesday was hard, but not as hard as I thought it was going to be. Just like with Christmas, Shawn's birthday and all the other firsts the days leading up to it were worse. I got through the day with the strength that Shawn instilled in me and with the support of my family and the best friends ever.

Before I finally went to sleep on Tuesday I pulled out the huge envelope of letters that the Coach's and players had written me the day after Shawn died. I read their words and how they remembered Shawn. I also looked at a few pictures that I have of the two of us. I remembered the good times that the two of us had. The very last thing I did Tuesday night before I went to sleep was go to my dresser and pull out the shirt that Shawn had on the day he died. I still sleep with two of his other shirts he wore the day before (I have never washed them), but this was the shirt he had on when he died. I still have it in the plastic bag that it came in from the coroner's office. I took the shirt out of the bag and snuggled with it for a few minutes. Then I smelled it and there are parts of the shirt that still smell like him. It was so nice to be able to smell that. The shirt is a red Nike football shirt and it says "Fear Nothing...Dominate everything" I looked at the the shirt and got a smile on my face. Shawn never feared anything, he knew what he wanted and he went for it with all of his might. Maybe by wearing that shirt the day he died and me looking at it a year later Shawn is trying to tell me something. Maybe I need to start living the rest of my life like that. My greatest fear as a wife and in life has come true...my husband is no longer with me. However, I still have life to live and even though I will still have hard days maybe Shawn wants me to start living life that way...to..."Fear Nothing and to Dominate everything."