Dear Shawn

Bub~



On August 23, 2008 I wrote you a letter, this was the night before your funeral and I wanted to write you a letter to go with you in your casket. The first paragraph said,
" I never in a million years thought I would be writing you this letter. It is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my entire life, but I wanted to write this for you, so you knew my thoughts and feelings."

Well, this is the second hardest letter I have ever written. As I write you this letter I can't believe it's only thirteen hours away from the one year anniversary of your death. I can't begin to describe to you the amount of emotions that I have right now. I've had this overwhelming sense of peace in me the last month or so and I'm so grateful for that. However, at the same time I have a slightly anxious feeling. I'm also sad because I miss you like I have never missed anyone before. My heart still hurts for you, and it always will, there will always be an empty space in my heart just for you. It's an odd feeling to finally have a sense of peace about losing you but also anxious and sad as well, it's really kind of overwhelming. However, like the letter I wrote you on last August I again write you this letter...I want you to know my thoughts and feelings one long hard year later.

In the letter I wrote you last year I told you that I wasn't mad at you for leaving me. I told you I know you would have never left me unless you absolutely had to. Well, a year later I want you to know I'm still not mad at you. I think there was only one day where I was a little upset, but not mad. I think that one day I just didn't understand why you didn't fight harder to come back to me. I now understand and have accepted the fact that it wasn't up to you. For whatever reason God had a much different plan for you and I than we had in our heads. So I just wanted you to know that I have never really been mad at you for leaving. I have said many times throughout this year that I would marry you all over again even if I knew this was going to happen. I got to spend twelve amazing years with you and those were the best twelve years of my entire life. We did so much together and were so happy. Even if I knew this would have been the outcome I would not have changed one minute of our life together. I loved being your wife, and I loved our small little family of two. I've said over and over again this year, 'Tis better have loved and lost than never have loved at all." I'm grateful for every moment I got to spend with you, even though our moments were cut way to short.

Before you died you always told me how strong I was. You always told me I was stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. You were right...I never really believed you when you told me that. At your funeral and in the days and weeks following several people commented on how strong I was, and that this was the strongest that they had ever seen me. When people told me that all I could think of is what you had told me...that I was a strong person. For that I need to thank you. Before I met you, I was a little flower blowing and bending in the wind. You taught me to stand up for myself, you taught me how to be strong and I think some of your stubbornness rubbed off on me. Because of you I know stand up for what I believe in. I don't think I could have gotten through this year without the strength that you instilled in me. You were my Coach, and throughout our life together you 'coached' me to be the strong woman that I am today. One day this fall I even kind of told off your mom. (I think you would have been proud of me that day!) I know you are still giving me the strength that I need to go forward every single day. For the strength that you gave me when you were alive and for the strength that you are still giving me I thank you so so very much.

Another thing that I have learned over the past year is that you were loved by more people than you could ever imagine. I know things weren't 'ideal' for you at YSU and I know at times it really didn't seem like it, but the Coach's and players really did love and respect you. You made a huge impact on several of the players lives. You mattered to the team. The YSU football family has been a huge form of support for me. Earlier this fall Coach told me that at every one of his speaking engagements he tells the "Shawn Coin Story" he shares with the public what he learned from you. You really did make an impact on that staff. I want you to know one more thing, I'm sure you already know, but I want to tell you anyways. You made some awesome friends while at YSU and those guys have been there for me every step of the way. A year later I still talk to Jones, Holmes, and Smith all the time. Those three guys have been huge for me. They have been there for me when I have needed them the most. They each have told me that they will always be there for me and that we will always be there for each other. The one year isn't officially for a few more hours, and they have all already called to check on me. You picked out some awesome friends for me to lean on. Just so that you know, Jones, Holmes, and Smith love you and miss you more than anything, they tell me that all of the time.

In the last letter I wrote you I also told you I would raise our baby how you and I said we wanted to raise our child. That letter was written just one week before I found out that I was going to have a miscarriage. I still don't understand the why's to that either, but for whatever reason I know it wasn't in God's plan for me to have our child. At first I was really angry about that. I wanted to have our baby so bad, I already loved our baby. I was going to be able to look into our babies eyes and see you every single day and that was going to be amazing. However, after I had the surgery I realized that our baby was now with you in Heaven and I felt really good about that. I knew at that moment I had two of the best most special Guardian Angels watching over me, and that gave me a peaceful feeling as well.

I know this is getting really long, and I know how you love to read long letters (NOT!) so I'm going to wrap this up, but I have a few more things I need to tell you first.

I want you to know that I really am 'ok'. I mean I have my days where I want this all to stop, days where I want my old life back...our old life back. Although for the most part I think I'm doing really well. I have learned so much through not only your life, but your death as well. I think you would be really proud of me. I think I've become a much stronger, more independent woman throughout the year. I'm starting to figure out who "Jenny" is, and I know that is what you wanted more than anything. I think I'm even well on my way to figuring out what I want to do with my life in terms of a career. In the last year I've become a "Big Girl" I've done several things that I never used to do. I now go on road trips in the car alone. I even bought a new car...the one we were just starting to look at a 2009 Saturn Vue and I love it! I think you would approve of the car, it has all the latest safety bells and whistles on it. A few weeks ago I went to see Meg and I flew alone on a plane...I know big deal right? You were with me every step of the way. In October I also got a puppy. I love him probably more than I should, but he really has helped me through a lot. I named him Bo, you guessed it, after your favorite football coach of all time. I took this year to figure out who I was and who I want to be. I know it will take some more time, but I think I'm on my way to figuring it out. Just remember you are helping to mold me into the person I am becoming. I wouldn't be 'me' without you!

I think whoever said this gets easier with time was lying. It for sure doesn't get easier. I think as time goes on I just find ways to deal with it in better. I miss you more and more every single day. I think about you all the time, there hasn't been one hour since you left that I have not thought about you. Not one day has passed where I haven't wanted to tell you something. Like the other day Brooks and Dunn announced they were breaking up. I literally almost picked up the phone to call you. Yes, your phone numbers are still in my phone...I can't take them out. I still go to bed thinking about you and still wake up thinking about you. I miss you more than you know. I miss the touch of your hands, the smell of your skin after you get out of the shower, the feel of your lips, the way we would just talk and talk for hours in our living room, the sound of your voice. More than anything I miss hearing you tell me that "everything will be ok" Even when things were rough I believed you when you told me that. I would love for you to tell me that everything will be ok again. There isn't one thing about you that I don't miss. I would give anything just to have one more minute with you.

I mentioned earlier that I have a peaceful feeling now after a year. I think this feeling comes from the fact that I now know that you are in an amazing place. You are not hurting anymore, you have no stress, you are happy and your life is good. You and our baby our together, the two of you are watching over me every single day. How lucky am I to have two Guardian Angels? Please don't think that just because I'm at peace means that I like this because I don't...I would give anything to have you back. However, I know that isn't possible, so I rest and find peace knowing that you and our baby are truly in an amazing, wonderful, and in a much better place than I am in.

These are my feelings and thoughts over the last year...the hardest year of my life. I wanted and needed you to know how I felt. So I guess this isn't the end, it's just another part of our life together but in a different way than we thought. Whatever happens in my future, YOU will always be a part of me, YOU will always be with me and I will ALWAYS love you! I'm so grateful that every so often I can have a dream about you. Sometimes I wake up sad from them, but at the same time I'm so excited because I got to see and touch you again. I'm so grateful that I can still "feel" you around me, I know you are with me every single day.


I love and miss you more than you know! I can't wait to be with you again one day...your arms will be the first arms I run to.

Love,
Your Angel

P.S~
You jump, I jump

and just so that you know I'm now ready to watch the last few episodes of the West Wing that we have left and I promise you over the next few days I will watch them.