Stupid Things People Have Said to Me...

I don't know what it is about being a widow but over the last year people have said some pretty stupid things to me. I mean things that I would never dream of saying to people. Let alone say to a person that just lost her husband and baby. I don't know if it is the fact that people don't know what to say to me, so they say the first thing that pops into their mind. Maybe I make people feel awkward and uncomfortable in turn making them nervous, allowing them to say stupid comments. I really don't know what it is, but I tell you over the last year I've heard some wonderfully stupid comments. I thought for this post I would share a few of the 'good ones' with you.

*Just minutes after I found out that Shawn had died the nurse that was "assigned" to me looked at me, put her hand on my shoulder, looked me straight in the eye and said, "I know this is awful right now, but you are going to be ok again one day."
O.k, I get that this is her job, especially in a situation where a sudden death has occurred. However this was NOT what I needed or wanted to hear at that particular moment. I especially didn't want to hear it from a person whom I didn't know. More than anything I didn't want to hear that I was going to be "ok" from a person who as far as I was concerned hadn't become a widow when they were only 30 years old. You know what...? Almost a year later I am 'ok' but I still don't think that was the right time to tell me that.

*On the day of Shawn's funeral I was coming out of the bathroom at the funeral home. Another lady was going into the bathroom. She looked at me and said, "I don't think I have ever seen you in your glasses before. Why did you decide to wear them today?"
To this day I'm not even all that sure who she is. Which probably explains why she had never seen me in my glasses before. I said nothing to her, I just looked at her and walked away. However, what I really wanted to say is, "Well you dumb ass, I'm wearing my glasses because I have been crying every day for a week straight and my eyes are swollen up and they hurt like hell. I thought my glasses were a better alternative to my contacts."

*A day or so after I found out about the baby a person actually said to me, "Well maybe you are having twins and the baby that isn't going to make it is just in front of the other one. Make sure you get another ultrasound before you have your D&C"
At this point I had already had blood work and about three different ultrasounds. I knew there was only one baby inside of me. I knew I was either going to miscarry on my own or have a D&C. I was in shock that somebody would even say such a thing to me.

*A few weeks after the funeral but still before my D&C (I think) I had decided to get out of the house for a short while. I ran into someone who asked me how I was doing. I responded with the usual "I'm ok" This person looked at me with this sad pathetic look on their face and said, "I have no idea how you feel. I've tried to imagine myself in your shoes and I just can't even begin."
To this person I responded, "Don't put yourself in them, they aren't good shoes to be in" Again I was baffled that a person would for one imagine what it was like, to imagine what I was going through and for two say that to me. I mean come on!

*During this same time somebody else asked me about getting out of the house and they were glad to see that I wasn't sitting at home and was starting to venture out. They asked me if it was easy for me to be going out again.
I told this person that I knew getting out of the house is what I needed to start doing. What I really wanted to tell her was that my husband died six weeks ago, and no it's not easy going out. Everywhere I go I see happy married couples, or happy married couples with a baby. I hated going out then. At a year later I go out all of the time, but there are still those times when seeing those happy couples sting a little.

*Hang on to your seats for this one! I still see red when I think about this! A month after Shawn had died I called the hospital because I was requesting his medical records. I told the lady what had happened and that I was no longer living in Ohio. She asked if I had received Shawn's death certificate yet. I told her no I had not that I was told it was going to take a few months. She told me that without the death certificate listing me as his wife they could not release the records to me. When I asked why she said, "Well you are telling me you are his wife, but how do I know that for sure. Yes you maybe his wife, but how am I supposed to know you didn't kill him without the proper documentation?"
Yes, you read that right, a lady in Medical Records was saying that the records couldn't be released to me because they weren't sure yet if I had killed him. I will not repeat to you how I handled this situation. Lets just say I was not nice, polite, or shy in any way shape or form.

*Ok, this is one of my personal "favorites" I think I've mentioned this before but I'll share it again anyways. One of the days that I had begun to venture out after the D&C I ran into someone at the mall who I didn't really know. They said they knew me through so and so. Anyways they asked me how I was doing. I gave my usual "ok" Then this person had the nerve to ask me, "If you could chose to have one back what would you pick? Your baby or your husband?"
Huh? What? I couldn't even respond to this question. I just looked at her and shook my head. What in the hell would allow that though to enter into your mind? Let alone ask it to a person who in the last month buried her husband and had a miscarriage. I swear to you people don't have a filter on their mouth.

*This one is also a personal favorite of mine. Around Christmas time I went to a dinner at my Mom's church with her. There wasn't a lot of room left so we sat with some of the older ladies in the church. My mom and sister had to do something for a few minutes so I just sat at the table. One of the ladies asked me if I was Beth's daughter. I said yes I was. She asked me my name and I told her. She then said, "Are you her oldest daughter whose husband died and had lost their baby?" I responded with shaking my head yes and saying, "Yes, that is me." She then looked at me and said, "Well you look really good, I wouldn't think someone who has gone through all of that would look so good."
This actually made me laugh a little. What the hell did she expect? My hair to be sticking straight up, miss matched clothes and me dragging a keg behind me? I know this nice old lady didn't mean anything harmful by it, but it really did strike me as funny.

I've been told by people that I was too skinny. That because I typically have my hair and make-up done that I must be doing really well. (This is what I look like when I'm out...people would be shocked to see what I look like on days I sit at home) I've been told that I'm doing too well, that I look like I bounced back to quick. Last week I was at Target and the lady at the checkout asked me if I was married to Chris somebody. I told her no, I wasn't. She asked me if I was sure. I said yes I was sure. Once again she asked me, "are you sure you aren't married to Chris?" I was getting a little irritated so I responded with "Yes, I'm a hundred percent positive I'm not married to Chris" Then she looked at me and realized I didn't have a wedding ring on and says, "Well I guess you are right, you don't even have a ring. It's a shame you are such a pretty lady" Ok...I couldn't take it any more and said, "Well I was married for almost eight years to a great guy, but he passed away last summer." Without skipping a beat she said, "Oh my you must me joking, you are way to young!"

See? Over the year a lot of stupid things have been said to me. I would like to think that people really aren't this clueless, this rude, or this thoughtless. But then again who knows. I think what it comes down to is that people just don't know how to respond, they don't know what to say or how to act. So in turn they say the first thing that comes to their mouth without really thinking about what they are saying. Instead of saying all of these stupid things I wish sometimes that people would just say that they are sorry.