A Deep Deep Thought I Had

Ok, this post may be a bit jumbled up and may not make a lot of sense to some of you, hell it may not make sense to any of you. I have had this thought roaming around inside of my head for a few weeks now. I have thought about this thought nearly everyday sometimes multiple times a day since it entered into my mind a few weeks back. I'm trying to wrap my arms and thoughts around this but it still isn't making any sense to me at all. So I'm going to try and explain it the best I can here and see what you all have to say about it, or not say about it for that matter.

A few weeks ago I was sitting at a red light just watching people walk past my car, thinking nothing. I mean seriously I didn't have a single little thought in my head. The light turned green, I pulled away from the light and then out of nowhere like a ball bat hitting me upside my head I had this thought... Did God allow Shawn die because Shawn or I may never have been truly happy? Sounds strange right? It sounds even stranger to me, because we WERE happy. Let me try to explain a little.

First do not think that in anyway my thought referees to my marriage with Shawn. We were amazingly happy together and our marriage was rock solid and was awesome. Our marriage and relationship is NOT what I am questioning. However, Shawn and I struggled for just about everything. Nothing ever came easy to us. Our family always said that if the two of us didn't have bad luck we wouldn't have any luck at all.

The main struggle in our life was Shawn's job. He wanted more than anything in the entire world to be a College Football Coach. I remember Shawn telling me that he wanted to be a Football Coach since he was 7 years old. As Shawn was growing up he told his friends and family this and very few people actually believed him or even worse, few believed in him. Many of his family members and friends even laughed in his face when he told them he was going to school for Coaching. I even remember a few people laughing at his face as they gave him a sorry 'good luck' Well, Shawn was an extremely stubborn person, the doubts of others just made him work even harder for his dream. Shawn was going to be a College Football Coach, it was his dream. Well because of our incredibly bad luck it never failed that Shawn's opportunities got messed up. Shawn constantly went above and beyond his job responsibilities of being a Graduate Assistant on two different football teams. Shawn didn't ever give 100% when it came to his job he gave 200%. There were many nights when we would have something planned and Shawn would call and ask me if we could push them back because he needed to be in the office. Even though those times I was disappointed I understood he needed to do that and to be in the office. He needed to have the other Coach's see how dedicated he was to the game. I knew going into our marriage that this was going to happen and as Shawn's wife I supported all of those decisions. It just always seemed that no matter how hard or how dedicated Shawn was to his job another guy would always get the opportunity when it came up. There were many times when other Coach's would tell Shawn, "Why do you want to be on the field when you are so good at all the behind the scenes details?" That killed Shawn when other Coach's told him that. Yes, he was good at the behind the scenes stuff, but he only did those things to get closer to the game, to get closer to the field and to get closer to his ultimate dream of Coaching. At the end of every season Shawn would always send out countless resumes to college teams that were looking to fill positions. This was a huge form of stress for us because we really never knew where we were going next and that was so scary for me. I didn't want to move far away from my family, but then again I knew I had to to support Shawn and his dream and at the end of the night I was happy to do that as Shawn's wife.

The last year got extremely tough for Shawn. Things were not going well with his job and he wasn't even really sure if he was even going to have a job at the start of the season because there was talk about eliminating his position. Shawn was stressed out, frustrated, and upset. He had started Coaching nearly 7 years ago and was no closer to a full time coaching job than he was the day he started. Many times during that last year Shawn would come home exhausted from work, he would hold me while sitting on the couch and just tell me how much he wanted everything to happen for him and for us. He always told me that because his job wasn't 'stable' he felt that he couldn't support us and he felt that he was constantly letting me down. I always reassured him while yes it was stressful to live that way he was under no circumstances letting me down. I always told him I would support him in all of the choices he made and that I would be there for him through all of it and I was. Even looking back at it now I wouldn't have changed a minute of it. Well maybe the part where Shawn finally got the break he deserved. Two weeks before Shawn died we found out that he was going to have a job during the season, although it was going to be severely altered, making it almost impossible for Shawn to do his job the way he had the two years before. One night after getting home really late Shawn crawled into bed and told me that he was going to throw the towel in on Coaching. He told me that he would work out the rest of the season and then he was going to go back to school and get a degree that he could actually use and get a job with. He went on to tell me that he wasn't being fair to me anymore, that I had already given up so much to support his dream. Next it was going to be his turn to allow some of my dreams to happen by having a baby and starting our family. I remember I cried when he told me this. Even though he put on a good face I could tell that Shawn was crushed by the choice he had made. I told him that I wouldn't let him do that. I told him I was fine by sticking by him until he got the dream job he wanted and I told him never to give up on that dream and that we would make it work no matter how hard we could get through anything with each other by our side. With tears in his eyes he looked at me and told me he loved me more than anything in the entire world, he told me it was time to work on my dreams for a change and he would support my dreams just as I had supported his. He also told me he was looking forward to going back to school...I knew he wasn't, he was upset and he was hurt. All I could do that night was hold him and tell him I loved him and that is exactly what I did.

I guess that is a really really long way of getting to the "meat" of my thought...Did God allow Shawn to die because Shawn or I may never be truly happy? I've tried and tried to come up with an answer for that and I just can't, I come up empty every time. I mean we were happy and our marriage was great but in some way did either God or Shawn know that Shawn was never going to be truly happy because of his career so it was easier to let him die. Shawn wouldn't be upset or hurt anymore and I could get another chance to live life again and be happy. It makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about that as an answer. I mean come on!!! Shawn and I ALWAYS ALWAYS told each other that as long as we had one another we would make it through anything. Except, now I'm here all alone trying to get through the most difficult thing I have ever gone through in my entire life without the one person I want to get through it with and the only person I want to be with. Oh how I hate this!!!

I'm trying and I'm trying really hard to understand and believe that God has a plan for me. I'm trying to understand that God's plan for me is obviously very different that the plan I wanted. I also know that God's plan for me and the why's to this happening may not become clear to me for several several years. I'm also trying really really hard everyday to believe that there is some sort of purpose for the pain that I have been in since losing Shawn and our baby. I believe that I will once again find love and happiness, I think I have to believe that otherwise I'm sure I would go crazy. Then again, I know if the right man doesn't appear before me, I will be just fine by myself as I will not settle just so that I won't be alone. All that being said, at the same time I would love to yell up at God and tell him that I would have been totally happy for the rest of my life living, loving, and being Shawn's wife...even if we were living in a cardboard box under a bridge somewhere. I would love to tell God that the other "stuff" didn't matter to me. What mattered to me was Shawn and the love we had for each other and I miss him and wish like I have never wished before that Shawn could be back with me.