Unexpected Guilt

Today I experienced a new emotion in the roller coaster of grief. An emotion at one year and three weeks I had not yet experienced. An emotion that came out of nowhere, and left me crying in my room missing and wanting Shawn, and then crying on the phone to Jennie. An emotion that I didn't even think about happening but yet ended up smacking me in the face. The emotion is that of guilt.

As I said before I don't think in the last year, or rather almost thirteen months I have ever felt guilty. I didn't feel guilty when I was seeing "T", I didn't feel guilty when I went out on a blind date a few weeks ago (yes, that was my first blind date, yes we had a great time and no I haven't really talked to him much sense...go figure), I didn't even feel guilty right after Shawn died and I donated some of his clothes to the football team. Hell I didn't even feel guilty a few weeks ago when I took Shawn's wedding ring in to get melted down into a ring for me. However, today a simple task left me feeling horribly guilty, and for a short time I felt like a horrible wife or horrible widow, however you want to look at it.

A little background here, both Shawn and I were/are very anal and OCD like when it comes to organization. Our CD/movie wrack was always organized in a particular way. CD's were organized by the singer's last name, or the name of the group. Whenever we got a new CD we would shuffle the CD's around to allow room for the new one where it 'belonged'. Movies were organized based on type and then alphabetical order. I know, I know we were a bit much. Most were CD's or movies that we got together, but others were some of each of ours before we got married. Organizing the CD/movie stand was always Shawn's job. When I left Youngstown I took a picture of the stand because when I set it up back in Michigan I wanted it exactly how Shawn had it. Once here, everything was put back on the shelves exactly how it was in Youngstown. During this last year when ever I bought a new CD or DVD I would just set it on the floor next to the stand because there wasn't anymore room left in the stand. Nobody would see the pile of CD's because I had the stand in a corner and the pile was behind that.

Last week I got a bigger desk for my room and since the desk was bigger than my old desk I had to rearrange some furniture around. The CD/DVD stand is no longer in the corner and now the new CD's and DVD's were just in a pile next to the stand up against another wall. Well today my organizational skills kicked in. I couldn't take the piles anymore. I had to put them in the stand. I tried to squeeze them in but I have gotten too many new ones this year and there was no way that they were fitting on the stand. So, I stared looking at the stand and realized that there were CD's in there that I never listen to and took those out of the stand. Although, that still didn't free up much room. As I sat on the floor staring at the shelf I realized that Shawn was never going to be watching his 'favorite' movies anymore, he was no longer going to be listening to the CD's. So I figured I would just take off the CD's that I never listen to, and the movies of his that I never really liked watching. At first I thought nothing of it. I didn't want to throw them away, they are a part of Shawn, some of his favorites. I was going to put them in a tub with other things of his I plan on keeping. I just simply wanted them off the stand to make room for the new things that I have bought this year.

Then just as I was taking The Mummy boxed set off of the stand I got this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. I looked at The Mummy and a few other of Shawn's movies sitting in a pile on the floor and I instantly got an enormous pain of guilt wash over me, I got all panicky feeling and out of nowhere the tears appeared. What was I doing!? I was taking things of Shawn's off the stand to make room for my things, no longer our things, but mine. In that instant when I removed his movies off the shelf it hit me that I was doing this because I'm still alive, I'm still living, I'm learning to live without him, I'm 'moving on'. It was the worst feeling of guilt I have ever experienced...it was truly awful. I felt like a horrible wife for doing that. In a way I felt like I was letting Shawn down by putting some of his things away, like I was pushing him under the rug. I know he doesn't think that. However, as his wife I can't help but feel those feelings as I boxed up some more of his things.

I know this 'organizational' task needed to be done. I couldn't take the piles anymore. On the same hand it hurt making room for the 'new' as well. I realize that Shawn was and will always be a huge important part of my life. He will ALWAYS be with me! I know that by putting some more of Shawn's things away it doesn't mean that I am forgetting him, because trust me I'm not. I still think about Shawn about a million times a day. However, it does mean that I am still living, I'm trying my damnedest to move forward in my life, and to make new memories for myself. I think this pain of guilt hit me today because it made me realize that putting more of Shawn's stuff away is another step in me moving forward, and it's another chapter in my new life. More than anything it means that I'm starting to put more of my old life away. I know I didn't need to feel guilty about any of this, but I did. Grief hits you with so many different emotions and you never know what is and isn't going to hit you ...it just does.

As usual Jennie was an amazing friend and listened to me cry. She told me not to feel guilty, that this was another step that I needed to take and that she was proud of me. I told her that for the most part I'm doing ok, that I still have bad days. I told her that even though I'm doing ok, I still hate this, I hate that I'm having to go through this and that I miss Shawn. Jennie told me that she hates it too, and she hates it for me and hates that I have to go through it. Then she told me, "Your memories aren't on your shelf, they are in your heart." You know what...she is right! In the future as I begin to pack up more of Shawn's things I'm going to remember that. My memories of Shawn, his favorite things, and my memories of us are in my heart and nobody can take those from me.