A few nights ago I had a dream about Shawn. I shared it with the ladies in "my group" but I've been thinking a lot about this dream, so I thought I'd share it with you all as well and see what you all thought about it. I've had a few different dreams about Shawn, but somehow this one was different and I can't really explain how, it just was.
Here is what happened in the dream:
I was our house. The type of house that Shawn and I always dreamed of having, a big log cabin home. I was sitting on the couch reading a book when all of a sudden I heard our baby cry. (Yes, in my dream I had a baby, our baby) I got up to get the baby out of his crib. When I got to the baby, I realized the baby looked just like Shawn did when he was an infant. I put the baby in the high chair to feed him lunch, then the baby started talking. However, it wasn't a baby voice, it was Shawn's voice. The voice I heard that the day he passed away. After I fed the baby lunch he started crying. I picked him up and was able to console him right away. Here is where the dream gets really strange. The next day I woke up and went to get the baby. The baby was bigger and by bigger I mean by a few years. The baby was growing before my eyes. As the baby was getting bigger it was getting harder and harder for me to console him and to make him feel better when he was crying. As the baby was growing he started to look more and more like Shawn did, but in the dream the baby always sounded like Shawn, he had his voice. It was very strange. The the last thing I remember in the dream was this. The baby had grown to be about 10 years old. One afternoon I went to sit down on the couch next to him and when I started talking to him once again it was Shawn's voice, it was not the voice of a ten year old little boy. It was like he was a little boy's body, but had a man's voice. Then he (the child) told me he didn't feel good and wanted me to make him feel better because that was a Mom's job. I went to give the little boy a hug and before my eyes he turned into Shawn...the adult version of Shawn...my husband Shawn, and no longer my child. Except when he was the adult version I could no longer touch him. Every time I tried to get close to him he would move farther and farther away from me. I kept trying to get closer to him and he kept backing up until he was pressed against the back door of our house. The next thing I know he says to me that he loves me, thanks me for taking such good care of him and our baby, tells me he loves me again, blows me a kiss and then disappears.
See I told you a strange dream. It wasn't the usual dream I've had about Shawn in the past. Usually those dreams leave me sad feeling when I wake up because I roll over and realize I'm still alone and he isn't in my bed, he is still dead. However, at the same time those dreams are nice in a way because it is kind of like I got to be with Shawn once again. I usually chalk those dreams up Shawn's way of being with me when he knows I'm needing him. This dream left me totally stumped. The only thing I can think of is a few days ago I was thinking that the year anniversary of my D&C is next week. I wonder if this dream was a reflection of those thoughts? I just don't know why the baby never sounded like a baby and only sounded like Shawn? Why as the baby got older could I no longer console him? Why did my child turn into my husband? Why could I not touch Shawn?
Who knows what this dream means. Maybe it means nothing and I'm just totally over analyzing it. It just wasn't the "typical" Shawn dream. It didn't really bother or disturb me, but it just got me thinking of what the dream could mean. Maybe it is something as simple as I miss my husband and baby, and want that life. I really don't know what it means.
What do you all think?
5 comments:
Jen,
I have followed your story for a few months, somehow came across your blog and feel that I have to come "check" on you now and then. Have not posted before but want to now.
I am by no means a psychologist, dream reader or anything of that nature, but maybe it was your minds way of telling you that whe you and Shawn were together you DID take wonderful care of him. I think the "baby" in the dream has something to do with the timing with next week and all, but you rmind and heart knows you did take wonderful care of Shawn and yet in the end there was NOTHING you could do to save him. Maybe your mind and heart realize this(?)
I don't know, I am no expert by any means in anything.
Just want you to know you are a very strong woman and I hope and pray for you day by day. Take care of yourself now and in the future.
Renee
Hello Jen~
I found your blog from the webmd boards a while back. i too have been following them as i have sort of the similar situation. My father passed away almost 2 years ago next month. My mom, is haveing the hardest time dealing with it to this day. My father passed away from a heart attach also and we (my mom and i) found him in his recliner "sleeping". She has had alot of the same emotions that you are having and i try to take some of the things you say about not liking the situation but need to learn to live your life this new way etc, she gets angry that she is too young to be a widow, she is 54, and should be having to deal with this till she is old and gray. She is struggleing being alone and doesn't like to be in "thier" house. I just wish there was a way that she could somehow connect with you. I don't know if it would help her to write her feelings out like you have with this blog or what. HELP!
Take care,
Patti
I am not sure what to think. Maybe that since you lost your baby that was one of the last real parts you had of Shawn and maybe in your mind you wonder and worry about that. Then it comes into your dream and Shawn is letting you know it is okay and that you will be a wonderful Mom some day. Like I said I really do not know.
Even though they are dreams and we realize that, those dreams leave us with feelings and questions almsot every time. I think Shawn was just telling you that everything is okay. There is nothing you could have done to save him or to save your baby. Shawn knows how those thoughts worry you and upset you. (and with good reason) Maybe he just wants to make sure that you know that it's okay. Both Shawn and your baby are okay and always in your heart.
Wow, Jen. That is quite a dream. I'm not sure what it means either, but I do think it's a way of letting you know Shaun loves you still, and that you did take good care of him (as one of the other commenters mentioned). I hope it brings you some comfort.
Lauren
Post a Comment