I've seen "Thinking Thursday"on a few blogs and thought that I would go ahead and give it a try, that is of course if I can keep thinking of ~interesting~ questions.
The very first Thinking Thursday question is.....
If you could change just one thing in your life what would it be?
I'm asking this question today because someone asked me what I would rather have back in my life. Our unborn baby that I miscarried 4 weeks after Shawn's funeral or Shawn back? Woa, can we say deep question. I didn't even really have to think about it, my answer is as follows.
My answer:
As most of you know (unless somebody new is reading today) my world has been turned upside down in the last 7 weeks. If I could change just one thing in my life it would be to have Shawn back with me and sitting next to me, so I could kiss, feel and smell him anytime I wanted. Plane and simple that is what I want to have my husband back with me, so I can go to bed with him and wake up next to him every day. I miss him more and more every day. I think whoever said it gets easier with time, must be lying. Maybe some days are better, but in no way does everyday get better. At least for me now.
Some of you maybe asking why I didn't pick the baby. My answer to that (and I hope nobody is offended) I have always wanted to be a mommy, ever since I was a little girl. Then when it took us 14 months to get pregnant I never thought I was going to get the chance and it was starting to tear me apart. Finally it happened!!! Then Shawn died 10 days later. My entire world changed., thoughts, feelings, emotions, and the way I now look at life. I then knew that the baby that I had inside of me was going to allow Shawn to live on and I was so glad I was given that gift. I was going to be able to look into the babies eyes and see Shawn every day. Then for whatever reason (I try not to ask myself why)I had misscarried and a few days later that person asked me the question.
PLEASE PLEASE don't get me wrong, I wanted and already loved this baby (I still do), and even more in the few days before I found out there was no heartbeat after I had already lost Shawn. But, honestly somewhere deep down I would rather have Shawn back. Again, not that I didn't want the baby, because I did and still do. But it is so extremely difficult and aganizing to live without somebody that you have had in your life every moment of every day for the last 12 years. Shawn was my entire world, I gave him my heart that first day he told me he loved me all those years ago and it is so hard not to see him, hear him, smell him and have him with me every day just to talk about the simple things. I miss him more than words to express. I hope it's not horrible for me to say, but yes, I would rather have Shawn that my unborn baby that I lost at 6weeks pregnant. Does that make me a bad person? I haven't thought about the answer to this question if I was still pregnante today and if I had maybe my answer would be different, maybe not, like I said I haven't let myself think about it.
Ok, I didn't really mean for this to get so deep, but I guess why the hell not jump right in with a tough question. However, your answers don't ~need~ to be so deep...unless of course you want them to be.
Thank you for reading and I will be looking forward to reading your responses.
21 comments:
Wow, Jenny, that's a tough question. The first thing that comes to mind would be losing my father....but then even if I didn't lose him when I did, I still would have to lose him sometime, because nobody lives forever. Some people who have lost a loved one wish they would have said I Love You more, or shown that person how much they meant. But I did all of that. And then when I think about all the things in my life, every experience, whether painful or joyous, has made me the person I am today. It has made me a better person, a wiser person, a person unwilling to compromise my beliefs for anything. I guess what I'm saying is that I wouldn't change one single thing, because then the "me" I am today, I just wouldn't be.
Interesting question...I would say that if I could change anything it would be having to go to work. Since having my daughter I've gained a new appreciation for life. I've lost my drive to be the best at my job because taking care of her is the most fulfilling job I could ask for.
And I don't think you wanting Shawn back rather than your baby makes you a bad person at all. If I had to make that choice I would choose my husband as well.
Thinking of you.
First - I have been lurking here for the past few weeks, and please know you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Second - don't ever question your choice between Shawn or the baby. When I found out I was pregnant with my first child, my father was diagnosed with brain cancer. I can remember making deals with God that if He had to take one, to please take the baby. I knew my father, I didn't know the baby yet. Of course, I didn't get to choose, we never get to choose.
Hi Jenny
I don't think its a tough question at all, for me personally, the answer is obvious, I'd also pick my husband time and time again.
If I could change one single thing about me, I'd love to say I'd change my infertility because it sucks hair balls, but if I did that I wouldn't be the person I am today. I wish I could change the end date of my infertlity, I wish I didn'thave to loose 6 babies on this journey, I guess I'd change those things!
Not talking my son out of marrying the girl he got pregnant and then divorcing her. She has since left with the baby - my grand daughter (well she's 3 now so not much of a baby) and I am resigned to the fact that I will never see her again.
If they had just never gotten married, things would be different. I wont go into how I know his cause I think it would hurt you too much to hear the reasons, but suffice to say, they would be different.
For me, it would be a heartbreaking question to answer but a no-brainer at the same time. I too would pick my husband.
It does not make you a bad person in any way - the question isn't really fare unless you don’t mind pondering and answering it. But really there should be no guilt.
I think if I were to change anything - like if I had to - Gosh, I don’t know because the things I think I would change would have changed my life so dramatically that I wouldn’t have the family or life I have now.
OH, I would have changed my 401K the day I was about to but felt "Nah- the market will recover" I've lost an embarrassing amount of money lately but I'm still hoping the market isn't as nasty as my fertility and I'll have a nice retirement in about 30 more years.
A loaded question if ever I heard one. I'm with you though. Of course, my first reaction is to have my Emma back, but who knows what that would mean. The if-thens are just too much and after eight years my life could be so vastly different.
I just know I am grateful that circustance didn't crush me into oblivion (or you for that matter) and I have re-built my inner self to be a stronger and more developed soul (also - as you are doing!)
Hang in....we are here whenever you need us.
Hands down, I would have my son with me. If I could change anything, it would be to have carried Samuel longer than 26 weeks and to have him here with me and my husband.
I miss him.
If I were posed with the same question, I would choose my husband hands down. I lean on him so much. I don't think anyone would look down on you for choosing Shawn over your baby. I am in awe of your strength and everything you have accomplished since losing him. You have my complete admiration.
If I could change one thing, it would be marrying my ex-husband, well, that and staying married to him for 13 years.
First of all, I would have chosen my husband just as you did.
If I could change anything--hmm..that would be so hard to choose what thing to change, what thing would change our life more...
I guess it would be that my husband's father would not have died (age 51 heart attack). Without him, I am not really a part of my husband's family--he was the welcoming element. Without him, my children don't have a playful grandfather. On the other hand, my son is name after him, and I can't imagine him being named anything else. And our impetus to have children stemmed from the loss of him. So, I don't know what would have happened.
Other things I would change--
That my son did not have ADHD; that we had not waited so long to go to a fertility clinic.
However, in the end, these things are what makes us who we are.
I think your answer is very Biblical; rooted in covenant marriage. Kids grow up. They leave. But your spouse is there - always. You two have become one.
Although I don't think choosing either one of them is a good option, I think I would my husband too.
I'm still praying for you.
**HUGS**
Jenny,
Like you, I would chose my husband over a baby. It doesn't make you terrible at all.
It took me a while to figure out what I would change since so much of our lives determines who we are. If I could change anything it would be my ability to forgive. I would like it to come more easily. It's not that I hold grudges forever, it's just that I it doesn't necessarily come easy at times.
Good question. Thanks for posting. My thoughts are with you.
Ok...you had to throw out a toughy. At first I thought it might be nice to have a wiener for one day. Just to see what all the jazz is all about.
But seriously, if I could change one thing, I would have to say that I would have nursed my oldest son as I did my other two so that he might have reaped the benefits of the oh so nutritious breast milk.
I totally understand you're answer Jenny. I would have probably picked the same thing..
My answer would be not finishing college. I like my job but I dont want to be there forever. I really want to work w/animals but there is no way we could afford me to go back to school full time. I should have listend to my parents and finsihed college THAN got married!
Wow, your question really struck a cord with me - I'm in a relationship with a man who doesn't want kids and I deseparately want a baby. Would I give this wonderful man up to become a mommy? That's what I need to determine.
And you are not horrible for choosing Shawn over the baby. I'm still so sorry that you lost them both.
Jen, I came across from "Bring the Rain".
There's so much more to losing a husband than losing a baby you never knew. Everything familiar is gone, your life is turned upside down. Of course you'd choose Shawn - if there was a choice.
Thankfully you don't have to choose and they are both together, joyfully waiting to welcome you when you go to heaven.
My heart goes out to you as you face this new road you are travelling on. It has many ups and downs, and it doesn't get easier for a while. In some ways it does get harder.
As someone who is walking through grief myself though, I can tell you that time does knock the edges off the pain a bit. The times when your life feels almost normal again will get longer and more frequent, and the pain will visit you only once in a while.
MANY HUGS....
I am just reading your blog tonight for the first time. I came across it while reading Bring the Rain. I hope it is okay to say, that although I do not know you, I am saying an extra prayer for you. I cannot even begin to imagine what you are having to endure emotionally, physically, mentally. Please take a little peace in knowing that you are being herld within the Lord's hands.
Kimberly
I'm new to your blog after having read your comment on Angie Smith's blog. I want to say that I think your answer to the tough question was heartfelt and the way I would have answered the question. Losing your baby was a terrible loss but dealing with the loss of something you never knew is a bit easier than dealing with the loss of what you do know. Does that make sense? Maybe my experience will make it a little clearer. My first child was born with Down Syndrome. I was okay with that. I could live with that. It wasn't a catastrophic disease. My child will live a full life. I of course felt a loss but I knew life held great promise for my child. Since that time - ten years later - I gave birth to twin daughters and strangly enough that has begun an entirely new cycle of grieving for my son because I know now what has been lost both for my child and myself and husband. Before I knew the joys of a "typical" child I could only imagine that situation but once I actually EXPERIENCED and have helped nurture "typical" children I recognize the actual loss and feel the pain more. Not that it makes me love my son any less it just makes it a little bit harder to cope with the reality.
I hope that makes sense.
I would have to agree with Road Blocks and Roller Coasters - I went back to work after being "off" for 15 months due to financial reasons. I miss being with my girls 24/7 as I was before. They've adjusted well - but oh how I wish they were with me instead of at a daycare!
I also do not think you wanting Shawn back makes you a bad person!
Thinking of you and I will check back often, hope that's ok!
I think the person who asked you that question should be slapped, but people say a lot of dumb strange things in an effort to help or just make conversation. I don't think in any way you are wrong for your answer, being honest with yourself is more important than anything else and wanting Shawn back is probably the most natural response in the world.
If I could change anything...there is a lot I want to change about the past but if any of it changed I wouldn't be who I am today. The pain will always linger and suck at times but tears bring healing even if it is slow.
I will pray for you. God Bless You and may He be holding Shawn and your baby tightly in His arms.
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