Horrible Thought

I had this thought go through my mind earlier in the day, and now I can't get the thought to leave me alone. It is really starting to bother me.

I was putting some stuff away in my room when I came a crossed a pile of letters that Shawn wrote to me over the last several years. I had forgotten that I had put them on my dresser so I could re-read them when I felt ready. I didn't really want to read them at that moment, but yet I couldn't put them down either. So I started to read them. The first letter I read was the letter that he gave me with my first anniversary gift. In the letter he said that the last several years of his life and especially the last since marrying me was the best year of his life. Shawn was sweet like that and always told me his feelings about me and about marrying me.

Anyways as I continued to read the letter it went on to say that because he loved me so much he couldn't ever imagine living his life without me and that if anything ever happened to me he would die because he would miss me so much. (Insert knife in my gut here) My stomach totally sank when I read those words. After all, I had written similar words to him in letters I had written over the years. Here I am now still living without him for the first time in 12 years and missing him so much and actually missing him more and more everyday. This is when I started to think...

I miss Shawn every second of everyday, but I also have my family, friends and the Coach's to help me deal with my feelings. They are there to help me remember the good times and I'm forever grateful for them for helping me. They are there for a hug when I need it. However, this made me think this thought: I know Shawn is in a "better" place (even though I think he should still be here with me!) but who is there to comfort him when he is missing me? I was always the one who took care of him. I took care of him when he was sick, having a bad day, and I was there everyday for him no matter what. Who is there for him now? Who is there taking care of him now since I can't be with him? Who does he hug when he misses me? Who does he get to talk about his feelings with? What if he is sad and lonely and missing me just like I'm missing him? My heart actually hurt more after thinking all these things, I was kind of actually starting to feel anxiety thinking about this because I know I can't really "be" there for Shawn when he might really need it the most. For those of you who don't "know" me I like or rather "need" to take care of people, it's what I do. I've always been that way. So for me not to be able to help somebody really bothers me.

Shawn is buried right next to his Grandpa who he was very close with. Actually they are touching in the cemetery. So I know his Grandpa is there for him, but is one person enough? I have needed and leaned on so many different people in the last 2 months. It makes me sad for Shawn knowing that he only has one person to gain comfort from. I am comforted by the thought of Shawn being with his Grandpa, but it still makes me feel sad/upset that I can't be the one to help him for the first time in our life together. But then again I guess I can "talk" to him from down here and try to give him strength that was as well. Maybe that will make us both feel better.

Alright, it's late enough of the deep thinking. It was just a thought I had during the day and it was bothering me enough that I had to get it off my chest. I feel better now.

~Good night everybody and thank you all once again~
I'll write more soon