My First "First"

I'm gearing up for my first "first" since losing Shawn. Sunday is my birthday-31. It will be the first "big" day since he has been gone. Ugh!

Birthdays were always a big deal in my house growing up. Each of us kids had a birthday candle that we would burn down every year, my mom always made or got us a cake that we would have to have our picture taken with. Then we would open up our gifts from family and friends and eat our cake and ice cream.

Shawn and I moved away from home 9 years ago when we went to school. We moved 7 hours away and I knew there was no way that my family would be there for my birthday. Shawn made my first birthday away from home so special for me. The night before my birthday he was really really late getting home from work. I was made because it was almost midnight and he wasn't home yet and I wanted to go to bed. I called him and asked him where he was at, he told me that he had to work over and he wouldn't be home until around 1:oo am, and that I was to go to bed. At 11:30 I went to bed, mad as heck. Around midnight I thought I heard something in the kitchen, but figured it was just the wind, so I rolled back over. Just then Shawn came thru the bedroom door, with a big bowl of ice cream, and a cake with 22 candle's on it. He also sang "Happy Birthday Miss Jenny" to me. (He called me Miss. Jenny because I've always worked with kids and that is what they called me) He went on to tell me that he didn't have to work late, but that he had really went to one of my friends house after work to bake a cake for my birthday. He wanted my first birthday away from my family to be special for me. That it was! All day he told me happy birthday and would give me my birthday kisses.

Later that night he gave me my gifts. Even though it was 9 years ago I still remember what my gift was. I got a hat, mittens, and scarf to go with my coat. I also got a stuffed animal and a Disney movie. Even though we were adults we loved watching Disney movies. That was the first year of our little tradition. Every year for the last 11 years I have gotten a Disney movie for my birthday, from Shawn, usually with a note tucked inside the sleeve saying something about this movie will be for us to watch with our kids one day. There will be no Disney movie this year...at least not from Shawn.

Shawn made every birthday speical for me. Every year I got a cake with a candle in it, and every year I got a special note with my gifts.

Last year for my birthday Shawn was gone at an away game, he gave me my my cake and gift early in the morning before he left. Yup, we ate cake and ice cream at 6:00 in the morning before he left. He got me the Journey Diamond Necklace, it was beautiful. (I think you can see it on some of the pic's in other posts.) I still wear it every day. The best part of the gift was the letter that he wrote to go with the necklace. I think I'm going to type that letter and it will be my post on Sunday. Would you all like to read one of the many many letters I have from Shawn?...A birthday letter.

A big part of me doesn't even really want acknowledge the fact that it's my birthday. It's just not going to be the same. It will be my first birthday without Shawn and back home with my family. I think I just kinda want to skip over the day, and pretend like it's not my birthday, but just a regular ole boring day. I really don't want people to make a big deal about the day just because he is gone. I just want a regular day...we shall see.

After my birthday is Shawn's in a few weeks, then Thanksgiving, then Christmas. The next 2 months are going to have lots of 'firsts' for me. Ugh!! Once again.

Talk more soon