Two and a Half Years

Dang! I was on such a roll blogging there the end of January and the beginning of February, and then it all just tanked and I have not written in two weeks. Damn! I hate it when I do that, just ran out of time and a few nights last week I just didn't feel like posting. Oh-well, there is nothing I can do about it now besides to post now, so read on for an update on the latest.

Overall things are good. Actually, things are really, really good and I really could not be happier right now. Life in general is good, much, much better than it had been that is for damn sure. I'm happy, smiling, going out with friends, having fun, living life, being loved again and in love again. All of which I'm so incredibly grateful for you have no idea. Then one night last week while I was at home alone I went to pay a bill and looked at the date. Then a small little "wave" of emotion hit me. It was February 20, a date that has no specific meaning to me. Then, all of a sudden it dawned on me, February 18, 2011 had come and gone without me even noticing, without me even giving the date a second thought. My stomach hit the floor, February 18, 2011 marked two and a half years since Shawn's death and I didn't even realize that it had passed. I felt awful. When Shawn first died I counted every hour, then every day, then every week. It moved onto me counting months, then years. At every six month mark I remembered the day and then at this last six month mark, I did nothing. I didn't even realize that it had passes. It made me mad feeling, a little guilty feeling, and a little ashamed feeling. I sat on the couch and talked myself out of a major meltdown. I turned on the T.V and watched some major trash to get my mind off of the fact that I did not acknowledge the two and a half year mark. I went to bed later that night and told myself that it was "okay" that I had not acknowledged the day.

The next morning I woke up and was in a great mood. I went to work and did my day to day routine. I got in my car on my lunch break, turned on the radio and heard the song by Faith Hill from the Pearl Harbor Soundtrack, "There You'll Be" That song totally reminds me of Shawn, the lyrics are my life. I then sat in my car and bawled. I was missing Shawn plain and simple. Don't get me wrong. I think about Shawn every. single. day. I repeat...every single day I think about him. I will always, til the day I die think about Shawn every single day. But for some reason that day I was thinking a lot about him, even more than I normally do. It was a feeling that I just could not shake for some reason.

I got back from my lunch break and got back into my classroom where I proceed to feed a few babies, put a few babies to sleep and then rock another one to sleep. While rocking her I sat in the chair with a few left over tears streaming down my face. I was wishing that I could see or talk to Shawn again. If even for one minute I wanted to have Shawn wrap his arms around me. I wanted him to hold me, just for one more time and tell me that everything was going to be okay. I wanted to be able to smell his skin, feel his skin. I wanted to be able to look into his eyes and hear his voice. I just wanted to be with him. I know this will happen from time to time and I'm guessing it probably always will. No matter what happens in my life, or how happy I am, I know that I will always miss Shawn. I also know that sometimes the grief and sad feelings will hit me when I least expect it.

People around me had no idea of my feelings. I have gotten really good at being "strong" and not letting on to people when something is bothering me. Only two people knew that day that I was off feeling and they were Jennie and Meg. I ended up texting both of them because I was just that sad feeling. As usually both of them were 100% supportive and understanding. They both told me that days like that would still happen. Which I know, and I have also come to accept that waves of emotions come when you least expect them too. I have learned that grief hits you when you don't really think it will. I've also learned that is when grief likes to take a bit out of you...when things are going good. I think it does that just to mess with you. Not like becoming a widow at 30 doesn't mess with you enough. Grief sucks! It always will!

I really only felt like this for a day and a half. It wasn't like I was constantly sad, or crying, or in a funk. It was more like I was sad in the back of my mind if that makes any sense at all. I still went about my day to day life and like I said, nobody even noticed.

I have also learned that it the two and a half years since Shawn has been gone that life does get better. That is something I for sure did not believe in the beginning. It's something I did not even want to believe. However, it has and I'm so blessed and grateful for that. I'm so happy that I have found Ry and that I have him and his two amazing children in my life. I'm happy that we have made our own little family even though it's not the "traditional" family. I'm happy that I have met an amazing group of new friends. I'm happy that I can now once again look forward to my future and what it has in store for me. I have also realized that I'm incredibly lucky to be able to love two great men. Two great men who also love me, two great men who have each taught me different things about life. I love each Ry and Shawn so so much.

I have also learned that even though I love Ry and my "new life" and "new normal" it does not mean that I will EVER stop loving Shawn. At two and a half years I've realized that it is okay and will always be okay to miss Shawn and to have days where I want him back.

Two and a half years has gone by. I still remember the day of August 18, 2008 like it was yesterday. Details of that day are forever etched in my mind, they will always be with me. Even though it feels like yesterday in another way it feels like way more than two and a half years. In many ways it feels like 100 years. So much of my life has changed, nothing is the same in my life as it was that day. A lot has changed for the better and I'm so grateful for that.

Two and a half years has gone by since I have lost the one and only man I thought I would ever love. But because of his love and what he taught me during our time together and the type of relationship that Shawn and I had I am able to now love another amazing man again. Loving another man is something I never thought would be possible.

Two and a half years...seems like yesterday...seems like a lifetime ago...